Streaks broken, vengeance earned, bullshit luckiness collisions, ded footballers everywhere.  Let’s dive right in!

Death #1 came in the Meadowlands, where the “visiting” Jest collided with the Vertically Enhanced Persons foj Jersey supremacy.  Unsurprisingly, it was a prize that neither seemed to want.  But would they draw?  Noooooo.  Tyrod Taylor got what must have been a pretty serious rib injury, since he not only left the game but also the stadium (i.e., went to hospital).  Enter third stringer Dr. Mantis Toboggan, who “led” a comeback from 7-3 down at the half.  He was on track to get this win without completing a single forward pass in the 2nd half.  His final passing line would be – no bullshit – 2 of 7, for -1 yard.

Tyrod had been a robust 4 of 7, for POSITIVE 8 yards.  Still, the DeVito rushing TD held up under 40 seconds to play.  4th and 1, and you have Saquon Barkley.  Do you go for it, and kill the game?  Not if you’re Brian Daboll.  You kick a FG for some strange reason, which risks losing 8 yards of field position – when NYJ had to be looking at a Hail Mary attempt anyway (in which case 13 or 10 points doesn’t much fucking matter).  And of course…they missed it.  And of course, despite maybe having 2-3 first downs all half, MILF-hunter Z does hit two passes against soft coverage, spikes it with 1 second to play, and Zeuerlein hits a short (35 yards) FG to tie it.  How?  Why?  What???

The VEP “win” the toss, predictably go backwards and then punt.  Saquon in the wildcat was their 4th string QB, and maybe they should have given it a go.  Wilson throws it high (on 3rd and 5) for the PI, gets it, and the Jest are 4-3 with a maniacal 13-10 win.

It is a good thing poor scotchy drinks, innit?

Death #2 came in the Metroplex, where the N-GCp ran out to a 33-3 Q2 lead over poor, hapless RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!  The Gospel According to Fatthew smacked his fat fucking thumb against a defender’s helmet, played a few more series, then allowed himself to be pulled.  A trash bag of popcorn was likely offered.  Final score ends up 43-20 Dallas, as they consider their mercurial (some would say schizo) existence on our FITBAW planet.

Death #3?  ANOTHER rib injury!  Having done this myself (albeit in embarrassing old man fashion), rib injuries suck – assuming you want to continue breathing, and/or change bodily position every few hours or so.  It was Uncle Jack’s turn in the barrel, which also gifted us some Bollo del Verdad.  It’s always nice to see an old friend again!  But he hasn’t really improved any, and the Yinzers hung around like the collective dingleberry they sort of are (on the NFL’s hairy arse).  But they never really threatened to take the lead, with the visiting Jaguras maintaining a 2-score cushion much of the end half.  It ended 20-10, DUUUUUVVVVVAAAALLLL.  Did you know they’s all the way up to 6-2 on the season?  And it seems like they’ve only hit 3rd gear (at most).

Oy.  Speaking of berries, poor Captain Dingleberry.  He blew out a tire just like Q-aron did Week One, but because he’s tougher than he is SMRT…he finished the play out, scrambling for an extra yard or two and getting absolutely hammered.  He left with a 2-score lead, and despite trying their best – Jordan Love and his Pack of Packers would not take the gifts on offer and make a game of it.  Think GB is legitimately a bottom-5 team now, they don’t really do anything well at all.  24-10 to the visiting Vikes, on a 3-game heater, back to .500…and as ded in the water as ded can be.  Life comes at you fast sometimes.

Fret not, we got a 5th death, at least of sorts – that’s 5 of 9 in the early window alone!  Desmond Ridder got evaluated for a concback strain – but he was cleared (no brains, no headache).  He stayed out of the game, though.  Heinecke was significantly better, but the Falcons’ curious decision to…not cover ThAndre Hopkins came back to bit them.  THREE long TDs from Levis to Nuk, with a 4th to some other asshole late.  That’s a mighty impressive debut for the rookie, who still needs to show a fuller arsenal beyond the deep ball he had even coming out of Kenfucky (Arthur Smith likely thinks scouting is nerd shit).  But he sure as fuck didn’t fall on his face like I expected.  You did indeed see a handful of snaps for Malik Willis, who has shell shock reminiscent of a “Quantum Leap’d” World War I trench veteran or some shit.  It’s uncomfortable to watch, truly.  Tits win, 28-23.  In magnificent Luv Ya Blue Oilers’ throwbacks.

The top two QBs from this past draft class faced off, and surprisingly Bryce Young won – both on the stat sheet and the scoreboard.  Black Panthers get a short FG at the gun, to win 15-13 before hundreds of relieved Charlotteans.  So much for the 500s boomlet in my head, as they fall to 3-4.  No MOAR winless teams in the NFL, which I guess is kind of nice for everyone.

The Redemption of White Mac storyline, cancelled after just one week.  He wasn’t as horrid as he had been before the BUF game, but he was plenty bad.  Nowhere near enough to hang with Miami, even playing like they were badly hungover.  P*ts had an early 7-nil lead, but it was quickly wiped out and never again replicated.  Much like JAX/PIT, but with more points and slightly higher margin.  LOLfins win, 31-17.  Most weeks, they are basically just playing with their food.I still have no idea how their group will perform come January.

It’s safe to stay Nick Sirianni doesn’t like playing the Commies.  It’s safe to say that Rebecca Malone would be an all-pro if playing the Iggles on a weekly basis.  But hey, to be 2-0 against – and done playing your bogey team?  That’s not a bad place to be, is it?  Especially at 7-1 overall.  Philly seemingly played from behind all game, catching up to go level – but then falling behind again.  They even fumbled a snap on their Rolling Tank play (any play is stoppable if the center exchange gets goofed up, nothing has been “solved”).  But Mrs. Malone made the key Q4 error yet again, tossing a pick in his own red zone and allowing Philly to pull ahead 31-24.  Swift (not TayTay) would run in a garbage time score, before the Commies responded in kind.  38-31, fin.

Lastly, the unfathomable Saints won a 38-27 shootout in the Gravy Boat.  Admittedly, I noticed very little about this, despite all the scoring plays.  Emo Carr was hyper efficient, Minshew Mania was…not, Taysom Hill did Taysom Hill things.  Humps were probably lucky to have kept it relatively close.  They’re not particularly good, just spunky.  Whereas the Saints are a stereotypical “flat track bully” (look it up, Philistines).

Why do you get the Xmas Hippo pic?  Because NC State beat Clemson, U*NC lost again, Everton won away to Rum Ham…and FINALLY the Donks beat the motherfucking Chefs!!  Really, today is like Ten Christmases at once.  Without even having to go to church!  Russ came out cooking, and built a 14-3 lead that somehow didn’t seem illusory.  KC trimmed it to 8, but Denver was on the precipice of FG range just before the half…when a strip sack turned it over at midfield.  KC had time for one play, 12 yards, stop the clock, long FG for 14-9 at the half.  It felt like we had not just shout ourselves in the dick, but blown our bollocks off.

Denver’s defense would pitch a shutout in the 2nd half, and Wilson’s Q4 scoring toss to Cort Sutton eliminated all doubt.  Add a garbage time FG for a 24-9 margin, that felt very, VERY good.  Mahomes had NEVAR lost a divisional road game.  That streak started with a Week 17 win his rookie year, playing with the KC backups as they rested for the playoffs (and still won at Mile High).  Somehow Denver had lost sixteen in a row to KC, almost unheard of for a professional franchise.  Donks may be playing for pride, but FUCK OFF.  I’ll take what I can get.

WKRP has learned how to win games in multiple ways, with Burrow limited.  And now Burrow is no longer limited.  Be afraid, be very afraid.  Bengals go into Santa Clara and absolutely manhandle the Tomsulas, 31-17.  Multiple Wolven Sort had crucial 2nd half turnovers (Pratt INT, BJ Hill fumble recovery), because it was all coming up Hippo.  That’s 3 losses on the spin for the home side – remember when Baby Shanny’s crew seemed invincible?  The only constant is change.

Well no, I take that back.  Seattle continues to ride its wave of bullshit luck.  This week, something had to give – as Believeland had been riding a very similar wave.  They had no business beating the Humps last week, and they’d take their eyes off the ball early (spotting the Truthers 17 early points) and late (dropping a sure pick six and then turning the ball over near midfield up 3 late, setting up the game-winning TD drive on a short field).  #ThePauls lose, 24-20 in the Pacific NW.  One suspects a reckoning will eventually come for Seattle, but who knows.  They have started to put together a halfway-decent running game, if only they’d stick with it.  5-2 is good for first, with Santa Clara losing.

Baltimore went to the desert for a very sloppy affair against the Qards.  Methinks we will surely see Wee Kyler next week, the book is out on Black Powder, who had an absolute ‘mare on Sunday.  It was 21-7 heading into Q4, when everything went plaid late.  Ratbirds led 24-7, then 31-15, before it somehow ended up 31-24 (an onside kick must have been involved, but I had quit paying attention).  Still, good teams find ways to win without playing their A-game, and Balmer won fairly easily playing maybe a C-minus game.  On the road, across 2+ time zones.

Whew.  Didja get all that?  Me neither.  Don’t expect much insight on the giant, chocolate-covered turd that is Bearistocrats! away to the Clippers du Merde.  I didn’t even plan to watch this garbage, but my Donks afterglow carried me through.

I mean, until it got to 14-nil, Clips.  The Tyson Bagent Bearistocrats! aren’t exactly built to come back from that.  I will laugh in the morning if they do, though.