Your Saturday AM Lesser Footy Thread

Good morning Lesser Footy fans!

We’re at match day 34 and there are some key fixtures occurring today. First, here’s what you might have. . .

*The screen goes all blurry and the sound of white noise can be heard. The camera is now clear and all you can see is a courthouse. A nearby door opens and a man in a prison jumpsuit walks in-front of the camera*

Aaron Hernandez: iHola putos! My name es Aaron Hernandez and I would like to take time out of my busy schedule to discuss something serious with joo. It breaks my heart to hear that recently,more cheeldren and teens are Aving sueecidal tots and eggsperts cannot peenpoint why.   Dis es truly deesturbeeng and just another reason why China keeps surpassing us.

Do you think those kids over in China just quote unquote tink about sooeecide? No, they keel themselves as if their appeal to get out of murder Juan es going to be rejected. That adds up to  287000 jooths per year. That’s more than the cities of Newark or Orlando. Personally, I blame L’il Xanax.  He gets you depressed, but his music isn’t eneryetico enough to go hang around until somebody finds your body a few horas later. At best, his music makes joo want to cross da street, which is some tooty fruity bullshit. Mami and I used to do that for fun on a Domingo evening.

So reemember keeds, don’t cross da street or go down da highway. Cut your troat or hang around. Muchas gracias. Now eef you excuse me, I got a pina to shove up mi culo. If you seen that pina video floating around on da twitter, joo no wat I’m talking about. PAZ!

/the feed goes back to Wakezilla

Wakezilla: Here are today’s fixtures.

2 Key games:

A) Hot Sperms vs Highlighters

Hot Sperms have been blessed with a cup cake game against the Human Highlighters. This should be an easy win for them, resulting in the Sperms being (temporairly) in 3rd place.

The main even fixture today is West Ham

vs United

Thoughts: Ole and his in-game management have been very questionable over the past 5 or so matches. It has cost United a lot of points and I’m starting to wonder if teams have figured him out. Pogba has been playing CDM lately because the rest of the team of midfielders have been as the French say, les incompetent. As a result, United hasn’t been scoring as much. Funnily enough, a lot of United fans have been criticizing Pogba for not scoring, despite being a CDM and you know, not a striker.

Over in la Liga there’s nothing much happening today. If you want to witness a blood bath, Huesca is playing Barcelona.

Meanwhile, over in Serie A, all three matches are YUGE

1) SPAL vs Juventus

Thoughts: Juventus needs a draw and they will clinch their 8th straight Serie A title. Meanwhile SPAL is in danger of being relegated.

2) Udinese vs Roma

Thoughts: Currently 6th and in a Europa Group League Qualifier position, Roma needs to get a win as teams below them are breathing down their neck.

3) Lazio vs AC Milan

Thoughts: Three points separate 4th place AC Milan and 7th place Lazio. A win by Lazio would put them in a Champions League spot.

If you want an interesting, albeit depressing read about racism in Lesser Footy, check this article out that was released yesterday.

Enjoy the games!

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

GOOOOOOO NEEEEETTTTTSSSSS!!!

[meant to sound like goooonaaaads]

King Hippo

that really was quite enjoyable, yeah? They impressed me with their tenacity, creativity, and intelligence on the floor. Philly was just a bunch of guys out there. BO-RING. Methinks I might stick around with their wild ride.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Is it time for the 76ers to rebuild?

MY COLUMN

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am enjoying Adam Duritz’s second act in life as a professional basketball player.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Here’s your hockey gif for tonight or whenever.

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scotchnaut

Whore-key?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This coconut oil extract I made seems to be quite concentrated.

Dunstan
Dunstan

Oh sure. “Coconut oil”. I’m not falling for THAT again.

scotchnaut

-Dunstan’s anus, several months after ‘The Kenneth Pinyan Experiment’ and intensive therapy.

scotchnaut

Golf ball makers are among the most en-Titleist people I’ve ever met.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

But they’re good at their core.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy crap, Chris Davis just got another hit.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

That contract is going to pay for itself by the all star break!

theeWeeBabySeamus

HEY!!!! He’s up to .079.

scotchnaut

Wife or pregnant mistress?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Pretty wild to watch the Nets blow their lead for the first time just like Ian warned us all year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Right? It’s like, I was well prepared for it to happen, but it was still intriguing to watch.

theeWeeBabySeamus

When your relief pitcher is number 66, it’s not a good sign.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

The fake bird chirps at The Masters are not even trying. They’re not even randomized. It’s the same computer-generated chirps over and over and over . . .

Also, how is there a chick announcer on the TV set? I didn’t think women were allowed there.

Between the birds and the chick I may have to watch hockey. Or maybe catch an episode of Mannix on MeTV.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Sherman’s March should’ve never ended. The Army should be setting all of these fuckers in Augusta on fire instead of calling in air strikes on Nissans.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Good and sturdy fencing.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

I miss my skateboard.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Another very nice potted plant.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

No one who looks like this ever has to walk.
I call Shenanigans.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Might need a good waxing.
/volunteers
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Tiger Woods is still alive? Who knew.

scotchnaut

Down and out waitresses at 24 hour truck stops? Just an educated guess.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Very well made cabinetry.
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scotchnaut

My ‘TongueBot’ app tells me that her belly button needs a good licking. Well, duh… I paid $69 for you? smgdh…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice potted plant.
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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Three cheers for polka dots

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a nice stump.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Listen, it might be a little shorter than average, but…oh. Uh, yeah, the tree stump. I agree, it’s nice.”

scotchnaut

“I might not hit bottom, but I will stretch out the sides.”

/stolen

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Andy Reid, when ordering the “bottomless” bucket of chicken wings

scotchnaut

If you look at the rings on her butt after the shoot, you’ll be able to tell exactly how old she is.

/and whether or not she had a tough winter in ’06.

Gratliff

Putting my money on 15

scotchnaut

-Mary Kay Letourneau

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a nice tree.
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scotchnaut

Someone is thinking about what it would be like hanging out with the Blackwood tree just out of frame…

King Hippo

2 TD lead for the hoopsball Jets

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“N-E-T-S NETS NETS NETS!”

– motivational chant at an accounting conference

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a nice chair.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey Look!!! The Orioles about to blow this!!!
(no one is surprised)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Re: the cartoon below – people that are as intelligent and as much of an asshole as Ben Shapiro are a rare breed, primarily because they have trouble reproducing.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He’s intelligent?

Horatio Cornblower

Yankees…scored a run…on a bunt?

THEY CAN DO THAT!?!?

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

If you will it, Dude, it is no dream!

Horatio Cornblower

Bases are loaded and nobody out.

Let’s see how the Yankees fuck this one up. My money’s on a K, followed by a DP.

And on cue Boone sends Voit up for the initial K.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh! Voit went for the double play off a broken bat but just dumped it 3′ into the OF for an RBI.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy Crap. The Baltimore Orioles actually look like a AA ballclub today.
Next stop…AAA.

Horatio Cornblower

“Aww!”/kicks rocks
-Hagerstown Suns

King Hippo

the Nets BY FAR have the better hair in this here match

scotchnaut

/watching Jays pre-game

The only thing more boring than a baseball game is an interview with a baseball player.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Horatio Cornblower

Did I walk into a bookstore with the intention of buying one book and walk out with three even though I have a pile of 7 already in the house?

Yes. Yes I did.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nerd.

Horatio Cornblower

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scotchnaut

Can’t tell you how many tomes I’ve done that very same thing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nerd Part II

Horatio Cornblower

That’s a great typo, unless you did it on purpose, in which case you can take your puns and get out.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I thought he did it on purpose.

Horatio Cornblower

Wouldn’t put it past him. He’s a sly one.

scotchnaut

It was intentional. As far as I’m concerned, typos are those storms that hit Asian countries.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

God, can we have ONE open thread where Horatio doesn’t talk about his issue with piles?

Horatio Cornblower

Just need more preparation…
/whips off sunglasses
H

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!