What can be said about the 2023 Indianapolis Colts that couldn’t also be said in the form of a gravy fart? I’m not sure, but we’ll try to make words go together to form sentences anyway. After all, that’s what literaturists do, and this site is nothing if not literatureful.

So we begin at the beginning. Of this season. Not time. Because I don’t know what happened back then other than a Big Bang which took place in some kind of bus. There were plants and birds and rocks and things, then football started. Back to the lecture at hand, the Colts came into this season looking like a mediocre-at-best team, and boy howdy have they ever delivered on that promise. They enter the break 5-5 with a total scoring differential of -6. AGGRESIVELY MEDIOCRE! This Colts team is perfect for the state of Indiana, in that no one would notice if they suddenly didn’t exist. (If you’re in Indiana reading this, well…that’s not really something we have to worry about. Enjoy the pictures!)

The Colts got a nice high first round draft pick in 2023 (due to the previous year’s suckitude), and they used it on quarterback Anthony Richardson. This young man is a huge strong fast dude with an arm that can throw a football through an Indianan’s four stomachs. He’s an exciting player that can really make a difference! Naturally, he hurt his shoulder and is out for the year. So the Colts turned to backup Gardner Minshew, who’s got a killer porn ‘stache and is otherwise an average quarterback. But look at this guy!

The team has other players like running backs and offensive linemen and inoffensive linemen. They mostly keep to themselves, whiling away at their craft or crafts, counting the minutes until sweet oblivion when the CTE kicks in. As for the rest of this season? Well, the Colts will probably finish at 8-9. And Indiana will continue to be flyover country. Maybe we can trade Indiana to Canada for a future volcanic island.