[INT. A dark, depressing living room. The curtains are drawn. TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE lies facedown, forlornly, on a couch. The overwhelming stench of Sam Adams, cigarette smoke, and despair lingers all around him. He moans, then, with his face muffled by a pillow, begins to sing.]
This is thah end, beautiful friendThis is thah end, my only friendThah end of our-ahh elab’rate plansThah end of everything that stands
Thah endNo wideouts oah QBThah end
We’ll nevah win the Supah Bowl ahgain
Can you pickchah what will be?So weak an’ right shittyDesp’rately in need of some future-ah Brady’s handFrom a desperate fan
Lawst in an Eastahn wildahness of painAnd all thah fanbase gone insaneAll the fanbase gone insaneWaiting for-ah thah coachin’ change
There’s danger-ah on thah sidelinesRide thah 95Weird scenes ’round each gametimeRide thah 95 south, baby
Call Bill fakeCall Bill fakeFah Gawd’s sakeThah ancient fake, baby
Thah coach is now a fake Six rings but none no more
Fire that fakeHe’s oldAnd his mood is cold
Thah Dolphins is thah bestThah Dolphins is thah bestGet us a QB an’ we’ll do thah restThah first pick is callin’ usThah first pick is callin’ usBob Kraft, where ahh you takin’ us?
Mac Jones awoke before-ah dawnHe put his helmet onHe took a ball from thah snapAnd his throw was total crap
He threw anothah shitty pickAnd we yelled at him to suck ah dickAnd then he, he walked down thah tunnelAnd he came to a doorAnd he looked inside
“Coach?”“Yes, Mac?”“I want to die now”“Kraft, I want to…”Come on, yeah
Come on, baby, take a chance with usCome on, baby, take a chance with usCome on, baby, take a chance with usAn’ meet me at thah back of thah team busDoin’ a death drive on a team busDoin’ a death drive, c’mon yeah!
Fack, fack-ah, yeahFack, fackFack, fackFack, fack, fack, yeahC’mon baby, c’monFack me, morons, fack off!
Fack, fack, fack, fack, shit!Goddamnit! C’mon asshole!Fack me, moron, fack, fack noWhoa, whoa, shit, fack, shitC’mon, dudeChrist
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill…
This is thah end, beautiful friendThis is thah end, my only friendThah end
It hurts to set you freeBut you’ll never-ah let me beThah end of laughter-ah and sawft liesThah end of nights we tried to fackin’ die
This is thah end
[SULLY barges into the room, music fades out]
SULLY: Goddamnit, will you shut the fack up already? Thah Bruins game is about to stahht. Cheer up. I smell a Cup real soon. Pats ain’t doin’ shit until they turn over every body. Two year-ahs from now you’ll have a spring in yah step again. I can just smell it. Now quit your-ah pathetic mopin’, Tawmmy.
TAWMMY: [Belches. He does not move his head from the pillow.]
[FADE TO BLACK]
****
Banner image from here.
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THERE’S PUKE ON THE FLOOR IT’S UP TO MY ANKLES
WICKED PISSAH
WAITING FOR-AH THAH COACHIN’ CHANGE…
Outstanding.
FACK TAWMMY
But this was good.
FACKIN GREAT YOU FACK!!!!
That’s some cinema vérité shit right there! Great job!
TFQ’s support system is part of his greatness, I am sure.
NO ONE DENIES THIS