Feats of Festivus Strength Thread (with Some Footy)

Welcome to Festivus 2023.  We’ve all got ample complaints, I am certain.

Happily, we do get an early bird special, and its David Moyes Vengeance – Fronk’s Hammers hosting Wakey’s Men Untied (7:30, USA).  Men Untied are coming off perhaps their best effoUrt of the season, which is good.  But it required putting eleven men behind the ball at Anfield, which is bad (if you give a fuck about the long-term health of the club, anyway).  But the Gooners and us neutrals didn’t mind one bit!

Luton host the Bonesaws (10:00, USA), with various and sundry streaming alternatives.  Robins Hood hosting the Cherries and Spurs/Toffees look the best options.  yeah right and Hippo will surely React Reasonably.

Spotlight dance is the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols invading the fecund swamp known as Anfield (12:30, NBC).  A point would do, but all three for the visitors?  That would be the death blow humanity needs delivered the Redshite’s way.

Wolves/Chelski (8:00, USA) is all you get Sunday morning.  Club World Cup bullshit, I guess.  Nobody cares about the Club World Cup.

The JV circus lukewarms-up at least a little bit, as noted below.

Troy (-7) v. Duke – Random Number Generator Bowl (Birmingham, AL – Noon, ABC)

Troy has become the local repository for “oh snap, I need a new FITBAW coach and was too busy snorting coke to have a list ready” shopping.  They supposedly have this TD cushion in Vegas, because Duke is in the ACC (and also has lost its quartered back to Notre Dame, and its running back to NC State).

Arkansas State (-3) v. Northern Illinois – Random Alabama Flower Bowl (Montgomery, AL – Noon, ESPN)

Do the Yellowhammer State highways have enough capacity to handle TWO exhibition fixtures at the same time?  We is about to find out.  Northern Illinois had that one random great season like 10-15 years ago, and Arkansas State used to be what Troy is now.  But FITBAW must be played, despite the lack of any coherent narrative.  AH DON’T MAKES TEH ROOLZ.

Georgia State (+1.5) v. Team Secular Big Love State – Ye Olde Potatoe Bowl (Boise, ID – 3:30, ESPN)

Sex Panthers against the “In the Ear Doesn’t Count” Aggies?  Sure, what the fuck.  Let’s do that thing!

James Madison (-2) v. Air Force – Do You Even Army, Bruh? Bowl (Fort Worth, TX – 3:30, ABC)

A former Commander in Chief facing down a branch of the current Armed Forces?  Let there be battle!  And many, many military/industrial complex advertisements.  Y HASN’T DIAMOND JOE KILLED MOAR BROWN PPL ALREADY (smgdh)?

South Alabama (-17) v. Eastern Michigan – Niiiiiiice Minus One Bowl (Mobile, AL – 7:00, ESPN)

Why on earth would 6-6 Directional Alabama be so heavily favoUred over 6-6 Directional Michigan?  Did each team have to walk to the venue?  Inquiring minds…will have forgotten by kickoff.  Ain’t nobody watching this shit.

Team Secular Big Love (-6.5) v. Northwestern – Hi I’m Mark Davis!! Bowl (Las Vegas, NV – 7:30, ABC)

Finally, a game between two teams you may have actually seen play in the regular season.  OK, one team you may have actually seen against the team you made fondling jokes about in August.  At the carwash, yeah!

Coastal Carolina (+9) v. San Jose State – We Found a Non-Condemned Stadium on the Island Bowl (Honolulu, HI – 10:30, ESPN)

The Chanticleers seem like a “blue meth” kind of bunch, so good on them making the Tweaker Fixture list.  Better late than NEVAR!  But alas, their mulleted QB is on his way to NC State and won’t play.  You generally don’t want to see your backup skill player quality at a school like Coastal Carolina.  Plus it’s a better body clock game for SJSU.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Brick Meathook

Presented without comment, because I have none:

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BugEyedBoo

My wife and I ate lunch at a Mexican seafood restaurant. I tried something new to me; shrimp soup. They bring it out, and there are six or seven big shrimp in the soup, completely uncleaned. Antennae, eyeballs, shell, the works. I wasn’t really in the mood to eat shrimp eyeballs, so I started peeling that shrimp. I get it cleaned, and it turns out it still had that nasty mud stripe in it. At that point I said fuck it and took the L for shrimp soup. Maybe it’s because I was raised by hillbilly wolves, but I don’t want to eat shrimp eyes, antennae, or mud stripe.

scotchnaut

Maybe it’s because I was raised by hillbilly wolves

If this isn’t textbook ‘burying the lead’, I don’t know what is.

Brick Meathook

Go to a good sushi restaurant and order the prawn. Do this at the sushi bar. The chef will hold up a live prawn (about 4-6 inches long, looks like a big shrimp) and he will let you and the prawn study each other eye-to-eye for a few seconds, and then he’ll twist the prawn and tear off its tail while it’s still looking at you. Then they’ll prepare the tail (cooked then iced, shrimp never served raw) and present it for your enjoyment. When you’re finished, the rest of the prawn is presented to you. It has been dipped in tempura batter and deep fried, but is otherwise all there. The deep fried eyes are still staring into your soul.

BugEyedBoo

I guess the next time I eat shrimp tempura I’m going to have to pull it apart and check for eyes.

BugEyedBoo

And I remember a football player who said he wasn’t a vegetarian, but wouldn’t eat anything with eyes.

scotchnaut

I mean, bacon doesn’t have eyes.

scotchnaut

Adventures in Mother-In-Law-ing: An Ongoing Travesty

Me: “What are all of these small Halloween chip bags doing here? You never buy those.”

Wife: “That’s your MIL’s contribution to our Christmas dinner.”

Me: “I….You’re fucking kidding me.”

Wife: [shrugs shoulders]

Me: [checks date on one of the bags] “I’m impressed. They don’t expire for another two weeks!”

Wife: [busts out laughing]

Game Time Decision

Like the expiry date matters to Ms. Scotchy
/tis merely a suggestion IMO

scotchnaut

I totally agree on that point but MIL has a long history of buying shit out of date on the cheap and expecting everyone to be grateful for her offering.

/Valentine’s Day-themed candies given to the grandkids at the next Christmas? She went there.

Brick Meathook

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scotchnaut

You’ll need to be at your best for Cincy/Pitt!

scotchnaut

Don’t sell yourself short-I love your videos where you crush whole watermelons in your mouth they’re the best.

BugEyedBoo

That’s not him, that’s Fiona bossing him around.

scotchnaut

“Gentlemen, you’ve scratched and clawed all season long, you’ve put your bodies on the line and you’re going to be rewarded. We’re headed to Birmingham!”

Voice from the back of the room: “Fuck you, Coach!”

yeah right

Solanke with the hat trick!

Cherries climb up the goddamn ladder!

yeah right

I haven’t seen a run like this in a decade. There’s something in the water alright.

Cecil Rhodes

Well well well, looks like the King’s African Water Pistols decided to start Jesus up front today. I like their chances!

2Pack

An old familiar tale…

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Game Time Decision

Still has a better chance of hitting one of the rebels than any in the movies

Cecil Rhodes

My word! It appears as though the Greek Tony Soprano has appointed Vasco da Gama to attempt to lead the Robins Hood out of the bad neighboUrhood that they have wandered into. My question is — how is one able to differentiate a bad neighboUrhood from Nottinghamshire as a whole? That county makes Mordor look like the French Riviera!

2Pack

So much bowl action

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litre_cola

Curvy redhead? Sign. Me. Up.

2Pack

The fleeting shots are such a tease. Moar close ups! Use the zoom function mister director!

Dunstan

I’m sorry, sir, this police officer is going to have to serve you with this restraining order.

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Cecil Rhodes

Though she has all of the right proportions, I could never advocate for a woman with Scottish ancestry. Untouchable!

litre_cola

Sir, cross Hadrian’s Wall and see what happens.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So much bowl action

Commentators describing an appearance by Coach Andy Reid at a chili cookoff

ArmedandHammered

I thought bras were measured in cups, but bowls for her do make sense.

Fronkenshteen

Kudus is the best player in the world right now. Fight me.

litre_cola

Easy now big fella. Let’s not go saying things that will have you end up the mayor of Crazytown.

Fronkenshteen

You’re right, but he’s so good they don’t even know what position he is yet.

Cecil Rhodes

“My favourite positions are full-time positions!”

-Trent Green, as he lines up to receive a snap behind the white picket fence on his lawn

Gumbygirl

Green throws the purple monkey to the dishwasher. Score!

litre_cola

Bahahahahaha Man U!!!

Fronkenshteen

BOWEN!!!

Cecil Rhodes

Eric ten Hag, more liek Eric two nil amirite?!?!?

ballsofsteelandfury

Dude! That Niiiice Bowl is hilarious!