Request Line: Wishful Thinking

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

The PRODUCER sits comfortably at the sound board, setting things up for the upcoming show.  He’s been reunited with DJ 3000, who has successfully returned after being trapped for months in a time loop.  Only…something feels a little bit different. 

PRODUCER: Man, does it feel good to be back.

DJ 3000: IT WAS A GREAT SEASON OF FOOTBALL, BUT IT’S GOING TO BE NICE TO GIVE MY PROCESSORS A REST FROM ALL THE PROBABLITY CALCULATIONS THEY’VE BEEN DOING.

PRODUCER: Probability calculations?

DJ 3000: YEAH, I’M DOING SOME CONTRACT WORK FOR FANDUEL.

PRODUCER: They must be making money hand over fist.

DJ 3000: [pats brand new solid gold input ports] THEY’RE CERTAINLY TAKING CARE OF THEIR PEOPLE.

PRODUCER: I hope you weren’t too busy working to watch the Super Bowl.

DJ 3000: WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL WAS WORKING, I HAD TO CALCULATE ALL THE SECOND-HALF LINES AND PROP BETS.  GREAT GAME THOUGH, WHAT A REDEMPTION STORY FOR THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS.

PRODUCER: [does double take] Redemption story? What on earth are you talking about? How is winning a second consecutive Super Bowl a redemption story?

DJ 3000: WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

The two of them stare at each other intensely.

DJ 3000: HANG ON A SECOND.  YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.  ARE YOU USING A DIFFERENT SHAMPOO?

PRODUCER: [touches scalp] Um…no.  Same stuff as always.

DJ 3000: I COULD HAVE SWORN YOUR HAIR WAS A COUPLE OF SHADES DARKER.  YOU HAVEN’T STARTED DYING IT, HAVE YOU?

PRODUCER: [indignantly] Of course not! I don’t have that many grays.  Maybe the lighting in here is different?

DJ 3000: SPECTRAL ANALYSIS SAYS NO.  OKAY, SO WE BOTH JUST WATCHED THE SUPER BOWL.

PRODUCER: Right.

DJ 3000: AND THE CHIEFS WON.

PRODUCER: Yes. Again.

DJ 3000: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “AGAIN”? THE CHIEFS DIDN’T WIN THE SUPER BOWL LAST YEAR; THEY DIDN’T EVEN GO TO THE PLAYOFFS.

PRODUCER: Wait.  What do you think happened with the Kansas City Chiefs during the 2022 season?

DJ 3000: WELL AFTER THEY GOT BEAT IN WEEK ONE ON A REALLY TOUGH NO-CALL ANDY REID LET SOMETHING SLIP AT THE POSTGAME PRESS CONFERENCE; HE SAID “WE PAY THE OFFICIALS WAY TOO MUCH FOR THEM TO MISS CALLS LIKE THAT” AND THEN SOME REPORTERS STARTED LOOKING INTO IT AND IT TURNS OUT THAT A BUNCH OF REFEREES HAVE BEEN GETTING PAID FOR YEARS TO GIVE THE CHIEFS FAVORABLE TREATMENT.  AND THEN THE LEAGUE DID AN INVESTIGATION AND FOUND THAT THE MONEY TRACED BACK TO THE HUNT FAMILY THEMSELVES.

PRODUCER: [skeptically] Right…and Roger Goodell actually made all of this public?

DJ 3000: YES, EVERYONE WAS VERY SURPRISED. AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT HE VACATED THE CHIEFS’ PREVIOUS SUPER BOWL WINS, EVEN THE ONE FROM 1970. AND THEN HE ADMITTED THAT IN THE INTEREST OF FULL TRANSPARENCY, THE FORTY TIME HE RAN IN HIS OFFICE WAS NOT SUB FIVE-POINT-FIVE, IT WAS ACTUALLY WELL OVER SIX SECONDS.

PRODUCER: [incredulously] Uh huh.

DJ 3000: THEN IN THE CHIEFS’ NEXT GAME PATRICK MAHOMES TRIED TO DO THAT LITTLE SIDELINE DANCE HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY WITH AND DERWIN JAMES HIT HIM SO HARD THAT…WELL, HE NEVER ADMITTED IT, BUT THERE WAS A BIG BROWN STAIN ON THE BACK OF HIS PANTS AFTERWARDS.  AND AFTER THERE WAS NO FLAG – WHICH THERE SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN, BECAUSE HE WAS STILL INBOUNDS WHEN HE GOT HIT – HE CAME OUT OF THE GAME SAYING “THEY DON’T PAY ME ENOUGH FOR THIS.” AND PROCEEDED TO SIT OUT FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON. AND THEN WHEN SOME EIGHT YEAR-OLD KID ASKED HIM WHY HE WASN’T PLAYING, HE TOLD HIM “BECAUSE MY FUCKING BUTT HURTS, ALL RIGHT?”

PRODUCER: Including the profanity?

DJ 3000: YEAH, SCREAMED IT IN THE LITTLE KID’S FACE AND EVERYTHING.  AND THEN WHEN THE KID STARTED SNIFFLING MAHOMES SAID “NOW WHY DON’T YOU GO RUN HOME AND CRY ABOUT IT TO MOMMY, BITCH-BOY”.

PRODUCER: Damn.

DJ 3000: AND THEN DURING THE BYE WEEK TRAVIS KELCE GOT CAUGHT ON CAMERA FORNICATING WITH A PIG, WHICH SEEMED LIKE IT WAS GOING TO BE A HUGE SCANDAL, BUT EVERYONE IN MISSOURI WAS LIKE “YEAH EVERYBODY AROUND HERE DOES THAT, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL TO US” BUT THE REST OF THE COUNTRY WAS PRETTY DISGUSTED. AND THEN THERE WAS BRITT REID’S TRIAL WHERE ANDY REID SAT IN COURT EATING FROM A GIGANTIC BUCKET OF CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS THE ENTIRE TIME, AND WHEN THE JUDGE TOLD HIM TO AT THE VERY LEAST CHEW HIS FOOD, HE THREATENED TO EAT HIM…

PRODUCER: You mean the judge?

DJ 3000: …YEAH, AND OF COURSE THAT WAS VIEWED AS A THREAT SO ANDY GOT BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES TOO, AND THE CHIEFS TRIED TO TURN THINGS AROUND BY TRADING AWAY A HAUL OF PICKS IN EXCHANGE FOR ZACH WILSON, AND WHILE HE DID A FINE JOB OF CONSOLING THE MOM OF THE KID THAT MAHOMES YELLED AT, HE WASN’T QUITE AS SUCCESSFUL ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD AND THE CHIEFS FINISHED LAST PLACE IN THE AFC WEST AT 3-14.

PRODUCER: I see.  And all of these are things that you actually remember happening.

DJ 3000: WELL…YEAH.

PRODUCER: And the fact that nobody talked about any of that stuff this season didn’t seem strange to you?

DJ 3000: I MEAN, YEAH, IT DEFINITELY SEEMED WEIRD.

PRODUCER: Because I am telling you, and you can look it up anywhere, you want, nothing even remotely like any of the stuff you described actually happened.  Are you sure your memory banks didn’t get infected with some weirdo’s fan fiction?

DJ 3000: I DON’T THINK SO.  LET ME RUN A DEEP SCAN, THOUGH.

PRODUCER: Yeah, you should definitely do that.  In the meantime, let’s get this show on the road.  This week’s topic is “Wishful Thinking” which is apparently what you’ve been spending the hiatus doing…

DJ 3000: …OH, I DIDN’T EVEN TELL YOU ABOUT THE LITTER OF KELCE-SWINE HYBRIDS THAT WAS BORN…

PRODUCER: …so I’ll get us started with a little royalty from the genre.

Today’s theme is “wishful thinking”.  We’re looking for songs about one’s life (or the world, etc.) being different from what it actually is.  Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?Rp6c0ckBurN and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  Nobody was able to solve the final puzzle last year, so we’re starting this season with a clean slate.  Let’s get to it!