Monday Morning Mock Draft: Punch Drunk Love

It’s week 2 of the Long Winter known as the off-season, and as I write this not only is it cold and dark out, (not cold enough to snow, however, because that would be fun), but I have a) lost my battle with a cold, which is now in full control of my sinuses, and b) have to be in court tomorrow to explain to a judge why my two clients, (one of whom is definitely in South America and the other of whom might as well be), shouldn’t face consequences for various, well, um….

All of this has combined to put me in a less-than-great mood.  Which makes me want to punch something.  A face, perhaps.  Which means it is finally time for the much anticipated “punchable faces” mock draft.

I believe that several people have recommended some variation of this topic.  RTD was the most recent, so he gets the first pick.  The rules are simple:  Is it a face?  Do you want to punch it?  If you can answer yes to both of these questions, you’ve got a qualified pick!

As always, wait ten picks or one half hour between picks.  Your commissioner is the one, the only Ivan Drago!

Careful, because whatever he hits, he destroys.

Rikki has already given me his pick.  It’s a fantastic pick.

Martin Shkreli truly does have the kind of face that even a mother would want to take a swing at.

With the second pick I’ll take long-time DFO metaphorical punching bag

Matt Gaetz, and select him to become a literal punching bag.  Oh I can already tell I’m going to display very poor form and totally telegraph the punch as I’ll be starting it from my heels.  Can’t be helped.

The person you select MUST be real.  Fictional face-punching is too broad, and also I might get stuck for a topic and want to use it later.  Also please do not actually go out and punch one of your draft selections for realsies.  That’s illegal, even if they really, really, really have it coming.

The rest of you are on the clock!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. Martin Shrkeli
2. Chris Kattan
3. Tucker Carlson (!)
4. Justin Bieber
5. Grayson Allen

Probably one of my strongest drafts ever.

jjfozz

For those of you keeping score at home:

Tomorrow is the big day for moving my dad into the memory care facility.

And guess what?

My little sister won’t be there, because her analyst told her to decide for herself.

So, now it’s me and my older sister – who is a fucking crybaby – my mother, and my dementia ridden father.

Jesus jumped up on a rollercoaster.

I’m so fucking pissed. It’s hard to try and make something happen when it’s 3 vs. 1.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did anyone pick Richard Spencer or nah bc he already got punched in the face for being a Nazi?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s one of those “honorary picks” for whoever it was that punched him.

Same with Buzz Aldrin and that moon landing conspiracy theorist.

ballsofsteelandfury
SonOfSpam

Here you see him trying to block my left hook. Won’t work.

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WCS

Jim Rome

Oh, wait.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wait, Skip Bayless is still on the board?

Skip Fucking Bayless.

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Edit: he needed a punching before or after molting.

Last edited 8 months ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
Brick Meathook

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Redshirt

He broke the first rule: you don’t keep the story in the papers. You plead No Contest and spend the rest of your brother’s term in a Minimum Security Prison until he bails you out on his way out the door.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

*Father’s

Sadly his brother passed away.

Redshirt

Derp. Thanks for the assist.

Sharkbait

This dickhead. Everything that’s gone wrong since 1980 can be traced back to this bastard

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Game Time Decision

Shit’s been trickling down ever since

Redshirt

Trickle-Down Croprophionics.

Redshirt

(mustn’t make Trump joke)
(Secret Service doesn’t have a sense of humor or a gentle touch when cavity searching)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: That’s all right, Senator Graham, we know you’re not a threat to the President.

LINDSAY GRAHAM: No, no, good sir, I must insist…

Redshirt

Hey! Give Nixon, Ford and Carter a little credit.

The 1980s may’ve built the mansion of financial inequality, AIDS-proliferation, homophobia and rampant drug use, but the 1970s cleared and smoothed the land and laid the foundation.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah. People forget how incredibly shitty the 70s were.

WE HAD FUCKING GAS RATIONING!

Game Time Decision

Gregggggg Fucking Esterbrook and his stewpid Tuesday morning Quarterback
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Game Time Decision

He does, but it was stopped for a few years. And he’s still alive.
Haven’t read that column in 10+ years as it got way too repetitive

Senor Weaselo

His daddy may be off the board, but

2. DoJu

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Gumbygirl

Last one, i have important things to do!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Of the women selected today, I find her Kari Lake’s face to be the most punchable. Plus, there’s so little elasticity to her skin, it would be like punching a window without having to worry about cutting your hand.

WCS

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This is what would happen.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

See I think that would be more likely with someone like Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

WCS

You’re getting confused.

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LemonJello

4th pick: Rudy Giuliani

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Gumbygirl

POW! ZAP! ZING!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is Boebert still on the board? Can I hit a woman for the purposes of this draft?

LemonJello

Easy there, Mr. Rice/Hill/toomanytonamehere

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Greg Hardy is always a safe choice here.

Redshirt

MTG was a mid-round pick, but, if you’ll permit me to go Full Conservative…

(closes eyes; removes mental blocks)

…with that bone structure on that face, you can’t convince me she’s not 100% female. Her face looks like a 3d creation that rank out of ink around the head.

If the borderline misgendering joke offends anyone, I apologize and refer you to my 1st Round Selection.

Gumbygirl

I got here late, so I’m ignoring the rule. Burn in hell, Rush

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

With the run on right wing grifters, I’ll take Jordan Peterson.

How many times can we punch them?

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Gumbygirl

Yinz might recognize this bitch. She had a famous daddy

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Redshirt

I just can’t stand her. She has no tact and doesn’t read the room.

Everyone else on The View is/was Solid to Far Left, and the Republican in charge is Putting on the Reich. Now’s not the time for a Conservative Pride Parade.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. Closing things out with an athlete, very happy with my haul today. Grayson Allen.

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LemonJello

The jersey alone makes the face punchable. Allen’s face just adds “punchability” to it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can just imagine him saying “great draft, Rikki” as I wind up my fist Popeye-style.

LemonJello

Going international with this 3rd pick: Justin Trudeau

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Brick Meathook