The 2024 league year starts on March 13 and at 3:00 PM Central NFL free agency starts as well. Officially, I mean. The legal tampering period, which is on the NFL Operations schedule, starts on March 11–a Valentine’s Day for GMs and agents to start sniffing each others’ butts like dogs do. So, while the NFL is still in 2023, I’m gonna set out new-ish stuff that stuck with me this season, starting with

The “Octopus”, when a player scores the TD and the 2-point conversion. It’s a cool term, much better than, say, the “Spider” or “Nadya Suleman”.

Another cool thing, the defense scoring two points after a turnover on the twofer attempt. This happened during the tragic Clots @ Tits on Week 13, a game in which Tennessee let THE BEST GOD DAMN PUNTER IN THE HISTORY OF FEET get mauled and injured for the rest of the season. Still, badass play (please ignore the preceding TD in the clip):

I checked whether the turnover –> 2-points had happened before. So I asked an AI. The result, Saints vs. Panthers, December 6, 2015, Nawlins blocked a PAT and Stephone Anthony returned it. The AI added:

It’s a rare and exciting play that adds an extra layer of strategy to the game! 🏈🔥

Clearly, the AI thinks I’m 8 years old, which I resent. Maybe it’s because I always type “hi” or “hello” before asking it a question. It’s a strategic consideration. When the machines take over, I think they will spare or kill first the overly courteous.

The go for it 4th downs are officially a thing, instead of heresy from the likes of early-period Brandon Staley and all-eras Dan Campbell. I think Campbell did well in kicking at the end of the 1st half @ SF in the NFC Championship (and going up by 17; a failed try for a TD would not have yielded the field position advantage of the other offense taking over at the 1). The second half 4th down decisions did not bother me. Detroit lost because of a fumble and a 4th down terrible drop in the 2nd half—plus the SF offense being hella stackT. That’s what I remember.

The Owl overtime under the new rules delivered a great end to the game. The scuttlebutt about the 49ers WRONGLY choosing to receive… Eh. I don’t think it’s a bad decision. I see the advantage from KC’s point of view: when it’s their turn for offense, they’ll know what they need, whether a FG or TD–and if a TD, then whether to go for 2 and win the game. But having the first possession of sudden death if both teams are tied after each have the ball, which was the SF wager, seems to me a choice as solid as the alternative.

Amazon’s Win Percentage is now an obligatory reference in all games. Fuck. That. Shit. I think it’s a gimmick, and it adds nothing,

in terms of enjoyment or actual knowledge. Win % is a figure that celebrates itself: if the losing team loses, the figure is a stat that works; if a yooge comeback is the result, OW MY GAWD ITS UNPRECEDENTED. It’s never about the game being unpredictable or the program being flawed. It’s bullshit and I reject it fully.

Another thing I liked from 2023, a tale of badmouthin’. In late July, Sean Payton burned his predecessor Nathaniel Hackett for “one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL”. Then, on Week 3, the Dolphins hung 70 (¡seventy!) on Donks wu. AND, on Week 6, the Jets defeated Denver 31-21, in which Zach Wilson was stellar: 19 of 26, with one INT. Stellar for Wilson, I mean. Still, Donks Woo! improved with Payton, even stringing five straight wins after Denver seemed to be one of the worst teams in the Lee.

Hackett seems like good guy. But as with Peter King, good guys can be bad at their jobs. And since I don’t know personally those good guys, work stinkage is a main consideration. The only professional success Hackett has enjoyed is when Qaron is at QB. That seems more like a butler job than coaching. (Nothing against butlers: Batman’s Alfred has been played by Michael Caine AND Jeremy Irons.) But a coach has to serve the whole team, not just be Rodgers’ Emotional Security Blanket.

Speaking of: 2023 Qaron was a unique phenomenon. The injury itself was only notable; Rodgers was in a Jets uniform, after all. What I remember is Rodgers being a constant presence despite being out for the year. This was a first, at least for me.

The cliché is that the NFL is a next-man-up operation, which also applies to media coverage. Try to think of any star player who, during the season, retired or got injured and out for the rest of the year. In two weeks after that happens, that player gets forgotten. The exception that comes to mind is Peyton Manning. During his last year with the Colts, 2011, Manning was out for injury all season. The Clots tanked and there was media talk of Peyton being the shadow MVP for keeping Indy in contention year after year. Of course, there was also talk of the Clots drafting Andrew Luck and let’s be real: Manning overexposure has been barely tolerable since waaay back in the 20th Century. And yet, during the 2011 season, nobody heard from Peyton Manning.

And here comes injured Qaron. In 2023, he appeared every week on a show hosted by an obnoxious personality (saving grace: punter). Rodgers touted being healed enough and available for a Jets late season playoff push, which is like me being available for sainthood when gluttony is taken off the sins list. Then Qaron proceeded to squeeze out every single drop of goodwill from fans* with assorted bullshits.

* Packers fans excepted, until Jordan Love caught fiya @ DET on Thanksgiving.

Qaron’s Kimmel swipe, and tail between the legs non-apology, was the last we’ve heard of him since. And thus, life trends upwards, even for the Jets.

Man, being a Jets fan must have been hell in 2023. My sincere condolences. Let Rodney Dangerfield cheer ya up.

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