Soil after harvest

(click here for part 1)

(click here for part 2)

Author’s Note

They discovered a bacteriophage that could inject and propagate inside microplastics. This strategy allows it to hide from the body’s immune system, uninterested in spreading to biological material. Once matured enough to outgrow the plastic, it hatches and begins consuming biological material. By this point, there’s nothing the body can do to fight back. They called them ‘lactids,’ as it was originally believed that the specimens could only grow from plastics derived from milk proteins treated with formaldehyde. They watched as it overcame that hurdle in the lab, it seems. Once hatched, these lactids eat and grow, consuming their human host and any other lactids they encounter. This process of consumption and growth culminates in ’emergence,’ the moment when they break free from their human host, leaving behind a contagious husk of a corpse. I’m still looking for records from infected subjects describing what the symptoms first feel like. If Dad’s notes are accurate, though, and they lost some of their samples, I may end up being able to write it myself.

Subject profile

Sex: female
Age: 36
Height: 5’6″
Weight: 137lbs
Nominal health history
Nominal psychological profile

Amniochorial plasticenta already present; subject 5 months pregnant.
As stated in previous profiles, no subjects (including infants) screened were found to be free of microplastics in the blood.

Subject deemed viable for type 1 incubation. No additional microplastic volume required to achieve standard hatch rate. Secondary opportunity to study fetal tissue is of particular value.

Subject approved. Introduction scheduled

Notes from demolition site

Spanish flu has taken many in my town. I too have felt it in my body, but by strength of constitution persevered. Though the sickness has passed, body aches remain. A burning itch beneath the skin, headaches, weakness. Delirious dreams of biting and scratching.

Emergence Investigator’s Log
Fifth incident

Her skin looks like soil after harvest. Crags and divots everywhere, a mess. Exit wounds stretched and torn from escaping things. She was dead long before they emerged. Even the smaller ones could do enough damage to internal organs to cause the kind of internal hemorrhaging she surely suffered. Once they’re big enough to emerge, they abandon the corpse. I guess they’re driven away from the presence of their kin more than they’re driven toward the easy food source.

The weather-worn living room is disgusting to walk around. Half-eaten furniture, holes in the walls and ceiling, dried bits of flesh strewn about, and all of it soiled by rain and animal activity from the past week.

My job is to investigate emergence reports, and I’m getting used to scenes like this. Someone gets sick. They ignore the signs, the itching and burning inside. Eventually they begin to isolate themselves, seeking out abandoned areas and then succumbing to the internal damage caused by the hatching lactids. Ultimately, they end up like this – a rotting husk of meat, an unfinished meal left behind by their body’s former inhabitants.

I’m not going to find the ones that emerged here. They scatter like cockroaches when they hit the open air. We’re lucky that they fear themselves as much as we fear them. They surely know as well as we do that anything a lactid sees is merely a food source, nothing more. If I’m honest, I prefer the big ones. At least they kill quickly. I’m certain I’ll eventually get one of the small ones beneath the skin, and then it’s over for me. I’ve heard that small enough ones can get in through small cuts and eat away for days before the irritation seems more unusual than a run of the mill infection.

Time to get out of here, before it gets dark and they start to hunt. Dissapointing, honestly. This still isn’t the one we’re looking for.

Author’s Note

I wake up and remove my plastic night guard, placing it in its plastic case. I brush my teeth with my plastic toothbrush’s plastic bristles. I shower in my plastic tub. I use shampoo from a plastic bottle and put bodywash on a plastic loofah.

I pour milk from a plastic jug into a plastic cup. I eat a handful of grapes from a plastic bag. I swallow a pill from a plastic bottle. I pull bread from a plastic bag, remove cheese from its individual plastic wrapper, take lunch meat from a plastic packaging, combine, and slide into a plastic sandwich bag for lunch. I throw away the plastic wrapper into my plastic trash bin with a plastic trash bag inside. The plastic lid swings closed.

I swig bad office coffee through a brittle plastic lid on a waxy paper cup. I place my sandwich on a plastic plate and put it into the microwave. I select a salad from the break room market. Its plastic clamshell container contains plastic silverware and dressing in a plastic to go container. I take my food to my desk and place it in front of my plastic keyboard to eat.

After work I go to the store and push a plastic shopping cart. I check out my items and place them into plastic bags, which I load into my car. At night I put in my plastic night guard and go to sleep.

I was never safe.

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Alex_Demote
Game designer, junk collector, paint chip taste tester
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ballsofsteelandfury

I didn’t realize we had so many baseball fans on here but then I realized how old everyone is around here and everything made sense.

I’m gonna go change my diaper now.

WCS

By May 1, the Dirt Stillers will be 6-17, so I’ll be back to numb and cold.

Redshirt

Dirt Bengals are frisky. I can see them lasting until training camp.

King Hippo

I still haven’t watched a game since the COVID season, to be FARE. My #BFIB allegiance is pretty much in the same category of my Methodism at this point. Sure, I still believe in it, but neither controls the weekly calendar of slothfulness.

Redshirt

…and here comes the Reds Bullpen with a touchdown lead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjvGAYuWSUA&pp=ygUaaG9sZCBvbnRvIHlvdXIgYnV0dHMgbWVtZSA%3D

Redshirt

…and on cue, a Dirty Safety Dance.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They won!

Redshirt

Already petitioning to play the Dirt Redacteds 81 times this year.

Redshirt

What in the hell are with the nameplates? I heard they were bad, but this is the first I saw them.

Redshirt

Brave yourselves. Martini puns are coming from Cincy.

yeah right

Hope it’s not raining because I like my Martini dry.

Horatio Cornblower

Well, I see the Yankees are sticking with their “Load the bases with one out, then ground into a double play” approach. Twice today already.

I just don’t see it, but maybe this year it’ll work out for them.

BugEyedBoo

Damn baseball is making me feel old. I went to look at the Blue Jays box score, to see if Joey Votto got a job, and saw Vladimir Guerrero Jr. (expected), Bo Bichette (Dante’s boy), and Cavan Biggio (Craig’s boy) in the lineup. Jeez.

Redshirt

4-0 lead? Ah, hope. You got me again, you son of a bitch!

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yeah right

This is a fantastic piece, Alex.

Horatio Cornblower

Seconded.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the recycling plant.

WCS

I get the impression this has nothing to do with recycling, and something to do with Lowratio.

Brocky

I see we have a new weekly series, I apologize for not reading it sooner

Brocky

In some alternate universe, mike trout has given the slightest bit of political bias, and the hat wearers of the opposite parts are saying that the league rigged him to have the first humerus of the season

If it’s obvious I don’t watch much baseball

Gumbygirl

Posted without comment, because really, what is there to say?
https://youtu.be/x359GgVRWaE?si=QwxIgh8vK9-_mciG

BugEyedBoo

Sounds like something straight out of Dr. Demento.

Redshirt
fleshwound_NPG

people getting pissed off about how eccentric caleb williams is, with those pics of him with the pink iphone cover and painted fingernails. having a bizzaro qb in chicago CAN work, as long as he stays healthy

mcmahon-adidas.png
fleshwound_NPG

and chicago was the fucking town of dennis rodman at his freak peak, for fucks sake

Brocky

Well you see, young Caleb has made the mistake of being a person of color in the age of social media, so he should know better than to simply exist

Redshirt

Also don’t be such a colossal prick that a defender decides to hit a Death Valley Driver on you, thus ending your team’s dynasty while it’s still being fermented.

WCS

Opening Day, and you know Clarence is excited.

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I like the bold strategy of batting Anthony Rendon leadoff.

King Hippo

His walk rate is the only element of his game that hasn’t gone right down the shitter. Another genius bit of Arte Moreno business!

SonOfSpam

Was hoping to win the Mega Millions to buy out Arte. Oh well.

BugEyedBoo

Powerball is still out there.

SonOfSpam

Hey, he struck out to lead off the game, and just committed an error. MIDSEASON FORM.

Horatio Cornblower

No, in mid-season form he’s hurt and on the bench.

Redshirt

I love Opening Day. Too bad the Reds have to ruin it by taking the field.

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Sharkbait

We’re all watching the NCAA tournament right? UMass really has Denver on their heels to start the first.

SonOfSpam

DAMMIT. Totally rooting for Denver (as the westernmost school in this thing) (whatever this thing is)

Sharkbait

Mens hockey tournament

SonOfSpam

Oh, ice football

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought it was called flat roundball.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or cold flatball.

King Hippo

Everyone got their #BFIB gear on yet? Fredbird is ALWAYS WATCHING.

SonOfSpam

Sorry, been busy placing bets for Sho- I mean, a client who lost his previous middleman.

Redshirt

Wrong shade of Red. This fight for Third Place begins today!

Brocky

I mean, I literally had to threaten my mom into going no contact if she didn’t start wearing that monitor….

Oh you meant B-FIB… I was thinking of something else ,my bad

SonOfSpam

This stupid asshole

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Zach Wilson will not stand idly by and watch you disparage one of his heroes like…oh, wait, you’re talking about the plastics guy.

SonOfSpam

Zach’s got posters of Dustin Hoffman like millennial frat boys have Scarface posters.

2Pack

Good stuff Alex.
I blame Yoko for not only breaking up the Beatles… but also for lactids…

https://youtu.be/xLy2SaSQAtA?si=CZy5t8IEVlPuf0dq

WCS

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Game Time Decision

naw, the paper straws will save us

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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ballsofsteelandfury

Last Author’s Note was sublime.

blaxabbath

Re: New NFL Kickoff Rule

“HOW MANY RETURN TD’S WOULD DEVIN HESTER HAVE IN TODAY’S GAME?!”

2Pack

That is going to be strange to watch.
We. Will. See.

King Hippo

I don’t like the vibe of NFL over-tinkering like this. Reminds me too much of Manfred-ization of baseball, which I will duly ignore today.

2Pack

It has been a strange evolution for me to watch. A good number of tackling that I see was called “spearing” when I played in HS and was illegal. I was coached to aim for the belt buckle, and tackle heads up. Center of mass, the rest (arms and legs) can juke you out, but center of mass aim and wrap him up. Not the full speed head first pop… that could get you hurt. Yes slower, but how often do you see just a fast pop, and the other guy just bounces off and keeps going. Sometimes after 2 or 3 of those. I wonder if injury stats back in the ’60’s and’ 70’s were much lower, when the game was slower.

King Hippo

There is also that the initial boom came when life tended to be short and brutal (as it has been forever until very, very recently). Now it tends to be…LONG and brutal, and cause for more reflection.

2Pack

True Dat

BugEyedBoo

I’m a grouchy old man, and now am fully against instant replay officiating in any case whatsoever. Put human fallibility back into the game like back in the old days.

blaxabbath

“Once they’re big enough to emerge, they abandon the corpse.”

The joke is something about being drafted to CLE?

WCS

We’d also accept, “Arizona Cardinals, Colorado Rockies, and/or Columbus Blue Jackets.”