Monday Morning Mock Draft: I’ll Get Better At This I Swear

Sorry folks, second week in a row that I forgot that Monday follows Sunday.  Very busy weekend followed by last night planning the logistics to the family trip to my Grandmother’s funeral mass and burial later this week.

Pro-tip, do not live until 99; the last couple of years are not high on what you would call a “quality of life.”  Also, Grandma died in November and we’re just getting to the internment now, (cremated back then, calm down), so apparently forgetting that you’re supposed to do things runs in the family.

Uh, let’s see.  I think we might have done this one before, but I’m in too much of a rush to go back and check.  I’ve been watching a lot of ‘Dark Side of the Ring’ lately and do you know what demographic has absolutely no chance of making it to 99?

Professional wrestlers.  Jesus those guys are an absolute mess.  Apparently massive steroid and cocaine abuse, combined with almost nightly car-crash-type abuse of one’s body, does not lend itself to a prolonged, or in most cases particularly happy, life.

So we’re going to draft a wrestler, but here’s the trick because I’m almost positive that we’ve done that before:  You’re drafting them for their mic work, not their ring work.  It’s a limited topic, probably, but we’re all just here to waste time, and anyway I keep losing my internet connection because Spectrum sucks.  With the first pick I’ll take the greatest of them all on the mic, and one of the best to ever do it in the ring as well, and who, while still alive, is an absolute mess of a human being, the Rolex-wearing, jet-riding, champagne-sipping, kiss-stealing, no-income-tax paying Ric Flair.

WOOOOOO!

The rest of you are on the clock.

 

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blaxabbath

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Hated that guy. Was a true artist at being a heel.

Brick Meathook

I WANT PUPPY PICTURES OF EVELYN JADE!

(which is a beautiful name btw but I don’t know how you call the dog by that name. “Hey Evy” and you hope she responds.

ThePirateSloth

Evie or EJ during normal good dog behavior.

Evelyn for serious talk and commands.

Evelyn Jade when she done fucked up.

Brocky
Senor Weaselo

1. Strong Bad, both in the ring and on the computer.
https://youtu.be/fbyk3g0jwr0

BeefReeferLives

So we’re drafting for “mic work”, ie: the ability to produce a endless stream of self aggrandizing, baseless, deranged horseshit?

Well in that case, my one and only p(r)ick is Donald tRump.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkghtyxZ6rc

/drops mic

ArmedandHammered

You win.

BeefReeferLives

Thanks, A&H!! (& whenever tRumpo opens his mouth, we all lose. Ugh.)

Brocky

My next pick:

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HULK HOGAN BROTHA!

I went down a youtube rabbit hole and found this. Enjoy:

https://youtu.be/hbgAbhHSseM?si=yEAO4Mr3hFzyAMjG

Brocky

For context, I may or may not have been high as fuck when I first watched this

Gumbygirl

My pick is Bruno Sammartino. Not because he was a trash talker ( he wasn’t) but because he spoke out loudly, early, anf often against Villainous Vince Mc Mahon. And, he was a Yinzer!

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ThePirateSloth

Puppy update! Y’all meet Evelyn Jade. Yes, I call her Evil Lynn. She’s adorable and oh so puppy soft and sharp as fuck puppy teeth and so much gotdamn energy. And PUPPY BELLY.

https://www.instagram.com/p/C6E9iyCyfWc/?igsh=dG90azczeHllY3A2

SonOfSpam

HOOZA GOOD GIRL????

Brick Meathook

More puppy pictures!

Gumbygirl

Squeeeeeeeeeee! She’s so cute! Smooches for pooches!

BeefReeferLives

Awwwwwwwww. She is just hands down adorable. I bet her ears are the softest ever.

WCS
Brocky
LemonJello

3rd Pick: Alexa Bliss

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The invisible hand of tWBS guides my selection.

Brocky

As long as said hand stays above the desk, we’re good

Also, damn you for taking my next pick

WCS

(didn’t specify who’s hand)

Game Time Decision

Thing is a clubhouse member?
Who knew?

Fronkenshteen

The Genius “Leaping” Lanny Poffo. Brother of “Macho Man” Randy Savage and perhaps the ballsiest wrestler of the era for trying to pull of this schtick:
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Brick Meathook

Gorgeous George was only briefly mentioned below (if my search skills are intact) but not drafted, so I’m taking Gorgeous George.

If I get a Blair Witch somebody’s getting shot.

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Brocky

and once again I must lament my lack of access to slack, because redshirt is missing out!

Brocky

God damn it, not onlybdid I once again forget about drafting, but for a subject I know far too much about…

For mic work, I choose the man that more or less created the snowball effect of wrestling becoming mainstream again in the late 90s by combining sex, violence, and counter culture.

Ladies and gentlemen, my draft pick, none other than Mr ECW, Paul Heyman

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Also, this…

https://youtu.be/RIuRYish5vg?si=6Raf3s6_HYvriMqM

fleshwound_NPG

THIS CITY OF DENVER IN THE LAST 24 HOURS LEMME TELL YA I CALL IT THE WORLD TRADE CENTER BECAUSE IN A SHORT AMMOUNT OF TIME THEYVE BEEN ROCKED BY JETS NOT ONCE BUT TWICE

SonOfSpam

“From Wilson to Wilson: How Denver Fucked Themselves”

Fronkenshteen

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
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Fronkenshteen

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So great.

Fronkenshteen

Lock up your mom’s hot friends, Denver! Here comes Zach Wilson!

LemonJello

GrumblegrumbleStayOnYourSideoftheMississippiKidgrumbelgrumble.

Senor Weaselo

Considering the Boone ejection, yes.

SonOfSpam

I don’t follow wrestling or other soap operas, but I did listen to Dr. Demento, so I’m familiar with the work of Fred Blassie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkB_CFi9row&pp=ygUQcGVuY2lsIG5lY2sgZ2Vlaw%3D%3D

Brocky

Supposedly blassie and gorgeous George were a huge influence on Muhammad Ali

SonOfSpam

Entirely plausible

BrettFavresColonoscopy
ArmedandHammered

Arne Anderson.

2Pack

My 3rd and final pick for this draft is the Baron. Always entertaining during interviews and creepy as shit to boot.

OIP.jpeg
LemonJello

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Sharkbait

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blaxabbath

“Uhh…. can we draft those who wrestle with understanding, you know, your place in the Lord God’s Plan?

Because my mom wants to get an account and she thinks she has a GREAT LAST PICK that will take everyone but The Rock to the True Promised Land (he maintains the uncivilized island gods, even just commercially, and I’m sorry idolatry is idolatry).

🙂 Ephesians 5:4

-B Purdy, Santa Clara Commiefornia (it’s handwritten)

DJ TAJ

My first pick I’ll take the legend that is Stacy Keibler

Stacey.jpg
blaxabbath

I knew some angle existed there but I really exited hard around the time the women (and the old women) were being integrated.

Last edited 11 days ago by blaxabbath
Brocky

She made some light promo work, but she was almost used exclusively as arm candy to draw attention to those lacking in charisma

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. I haven’t given a tin shit about wrestling for many years, but Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat was the one guy I loved as a kid.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxo6sr1DuAE

blaxabbath

Hebner was the original Pac-12 Referee.

blaxabbath

The Dragon really Homer Simpsoned that victory.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More like Ricky “The Possum” Steamboat, amirite?

blaxabbath

Hacksaw may have actually filmed this is in January 2021…

Last edited 11 days ago by blaxabbath
2Pack

My second pick, going with Andre.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Beat me to it. Can’t beat these rhymes.

https://youtu.be/DP5-qJSzDUg?si=sTQtbaOSiZU_G8EN

Brocky

I mean objectively speaking, andre was NOT a good promo guy by late 80s standards

Game Time Decision

Bobby Roode

Only cause he’s a somewhat local guy and the friend is a hall of fame lacrosse guy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uezyED5IamM

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I mean, Vince McMahon wrestled a little so he counts, right? Fuck that guy but he’s a showman.

LemonJello

2nd Pick: Iron Sheik

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2Pack

In the first round I’m taking the old All Star Wrestling icon from That ’70’s MLK… Dirty Dusty Rhoades.
In an interview he once boasted that he, “suproved his supremacy”. And an impressionable teenager nodded at the perfect sense of that.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Andy Kaufman. Possibly the greatest heel in history.

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WCS
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Macho Man Savage (mainly because I only know like 7 wrestlers)

ballsofsteelandfury

Rowdy Roddy Piper!

ballsofsteelandfury

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LemonJello

1st Pick: The Rock

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Game Time Decision

Can you smell what the Rock is cookin?
-Rock

No, but I’d like to
-A Reid