I’m leaving in just a few days for the East Coast for a whole month of vacation. I sure hope I’ll be able to keep sneaking away for football watching – but that time difference, especially for watching those West Coast games, is killer – that 11 PM start time in Atlantic time is not conducive to staying up to watch the entire thing. At any rate, I intend to continue feeding the content monster as best as I can even as we do our best to plan the few remaining details of our wedding and try to find a few moments to relax here and there as well.
In league news this week:
- In a surprising move from last Friday, the Toronto Argonauts released WR Rasheed Bailey. This feels like a curious move to me, as he was leading the team in receptions; but it was likely spurred with an impending salary cap crunch due to Chad Kelly’s imminent return in just a couple of weeks. With a number of promising rookies on cheap deals, Bailey was the odd man out from a financial standpoint. That said, he’s going to get snapped up very quickly, I have no doubt – apparently there’s already been talks of him returning to Winnipeg, where the list of receiver injuries continues to grow.
- Former BC Lions QB Nathan Rourke, a Canadian who took the league by storm in 2022, left for the NFL after being signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars in 2023; he also spent time with New England before being cut by the New York Giants this past week. It’s hard for CFL QBs, and especially Canadian ones, to get much traction in the NFL, and it’s hard to say if his NFL career is truly done. If it is, all nine teams should be tripping over themselves to sign him as a free agent – for teams even with solid quarterbacks already in place, Rourke was better by a country mile than every single one of them, even in his injury-shortened 2022 campaign. Getting him on your roster instantly makes you a serious Grey Cup contender.
- A cool human interest story: CFL fan Chris Tymofichuk, an Ottawa resident, has unofficially broken a Guinness World Record for the fastest amount of time to see a CFL game in all nine stadiums. The current record stands at 364 hours, but Tymofichuk completed his attempt in 362.5 hours. It wasn’t all smooth – he forgot a GPS tracker monitoring his data in the Calgary airport terminal at one point, and his car’s engine blew up between Ottawa and Montreal, forcing him to get a cab to nearby Hawkesbury in order to snag a rental car to make it through busy Montreal traffic and catch the Alouettes game on time… but it all went successfully in the end. Tymofichuk was carrying a bucket with him to all the games to collect money for cancer research; not sure how much he raised, but I’m sure those totals are coming soon. You can check out his Twitter account documenting the journey here, or read this article from the REDBLACKS’ team site for more info as well.
Onto the games!
WEEK 8 RECAPS
Saskatchewan 16 vs. Montreal 20: Sometimes your third-string quarterback provides the boost your team needs to turn things around. With starter Cody Fajardo recently added to the six-game IL and backup Caleb Evans struggling significantly, Davis Alexander came off the bench in the second half of this game to rally the Alouettes to a big comeback win over the visiting Roughriders. In the first half, Saskatchewan had the rushing attack going; backup RB Frankie Hickson, starting in place of an injured AJ Ouellette, had 117 yards on the ground, and Montreal just couldn’t get any rhythm going on their offensive possessions. When Alexander came in, the Als were down 16-3, and he managed to turn that around into a 20-16 final score with twelve straight completions to open the half, two TD passes, no turnovers, and 15-18 completions for 178 yards. A tidy night of work for the young pivot. If he can maintain that level of play, he may well jump Caleb Evans in the depth chart. With Saskatchewan dealing with their own litany of injuries right now, the collapse is unfortunate, but also somewhat understandable. They’re still tied with BC for the best record in the West right now. Hopefully Trevor Harris’ return in the next few weeks will provide another boost.
PICK: Saskatchewan
RESULT: Montreal
Calgary 6 vs. Ottawa 33: I legitimately cannot remember the last time I saw the REDBLACKS dominate a game in the way they did last week. From start to finish, the REDBLACKS just completely outclassed the Stampeders in every way and moved to a perfect 4-0 at home. With five wins in seven games, they’ve beaten their season win total (four) in each of their past two seasons. Even if things completely fall apart from here on out, they are still mathematically a better team than what fans have seen in a long, long, long time. I was truly surprised to see Calgary get so outgunned – the Ottawa front seven were absolutely merciless and terrorized Jake Maier all night, while rookie receiver Kalil Pimpleton appears to be an absolute stud. Beyond his seven catches for 80 yards, he also ripped off an electric 99-yard punt return TD in the third quarter that was truly the dagger in the Stamps’ heart. Big credits to QB Dru Brown for an almost perfect game – he went 30-37 for 325 yards and a TD, and with RB RyQuell Armstead ejected from the game early in the second quarter due to picking up two personal fouls, he was called to do a lot on the night. Hard to believe that 5-2 is the best start in (rebooted) franchise history – the schedule is going to get tougher still, but this win sure makes Ottawa look like a pretty legit team right now.
PICK: Calgary
RESULT: Ottawa
Winnipeg 14 vs. Toronto 16 (OT): An entertaining, offensively-inclined football game, this was not. It took extra time to finally resolve things and see the Argos walk off with a big home win, but make no mistake – this victory came pretty much solely on the backs of an extremely impressive defensive effort. The Argos’ front seven created immense pressure on Winnipeg’s Zach Collaros and sacked him five times, while newly-signed DB Tarvarus McFadden scored a pick-six – the only Toronto TD of the game – in the fourth quarter to give the Argos the lead. Winnipeg’s had over 400 yards of offence and conceded just over 200 – these are games the team should win. But they didn’t. Most controversially, the Bombers missed a key third-and-one opportunity at the end of the game that turned the ball over on downs, rather than play more conservatively and kick a field goal. For a team that has historically been good at those short-yardage situations (which are also overall easier in Canadian rules due to defences being forced to line up one yard from the line of scrimmage), it was incredibly surprising to not see them execute it properly. And it ended up costing them. Rather than convert and run the clock down and perhaps kick a slightly later field goal to win, the teams went to OT, where the Argos pulled out the late victory on their possession thanks to a 43-yard field goal from Lirim Hajrullahu.
PICK: Toronto
RESULT: Toronto
Hamilton 44 vs. Edmonton 28: Luther Hakunavanhu had a monster 66-yard TD late in the first half to crack the game open for the Ti-Cats, and he continues to show strong chemistry over the last couple of weeks with Bo Levi Mitchell (who had five TDs in this one – a career first!) dating back to their time together in Calgary. Five catches on the season – and three TDs. Weird stat line for sure. At any rate, the Elks looked completely hapless in this contest until Tre Ford, last year’s Canadian QB sensation, finally entered the game with ten minutes left to play. Yes, it was garbage time, and yes, Hamilton was probably leaning more towards a prevent defence, but Ford scored three TDs on 10-15 passing for 121 yards in his limited game time. The Elks’ secondary has been trash all year long, but the dramatic transformation in their offence was remarkable the second that Ford saw the field. If he doesn’t start next week, fans will riot, and they’ll be right to do so.
PICK: Hamilton
RESULT:
BYE: BC (5-2)
WEEK 9 PREVIEWS
BC (5-2) vs. Winnipeg (2-6), Thursday, August 1st, 8:30 PM EDT (TSN, CBSSN, CFL+): The Lions are coming off a bye feeling rested; the Bombers are coming off yet another poor offensive effort. I think it’s now officially time for Winnipeg to panic a bit. They’ve had a really great run these past few seasons, with two Grey Cups and two other finals appearances, but Zach Collaros is looking washed – though to be fair, he also hasn’t had the same O-line protection that we’ve been accustomed to seeing this past while. Same with missing several top receivers… if this team continues to falter, then it’s probably time to blow things up and revamp the roster.
PICK: BC
Montreal (6-1) vs. Hamilton (-), Friday, August 2nd, 7:30 PM EDT (TSN, CFL+): I think we’re going to see Davis Alexander under centre again for Montreal this week. Based on his second-half performance against the Roughriders, he’s earned the opportunity. Cody Fajardo’s going to miss a few more weeks, and the chance for a young pivot to get some good game snaps in, against a relatively easy opponent in Hamilton, is an important step in his development. Hamilton has played some better football over the last few weeks, but they remain a relatively inexperienced team defensively, particularly in the secondary, and despite their improvement as of late still find themselves in a hole in what is proving to be quite a deep East division.
PICK: Montreal
Edmonton (-) vs. Saskatchewan (5-2), Saturday, August 3rd, 7:00 PM EDT (TSN, CBSSN, CFL+): Saskatchewan is definitely good at running the ball – with no AJ Ouellette last week, Frankie Hickson performed very well in his absence. That’s a useful feature for an offence, but they also need to see Shea Patterson gain more refinement to his snaps and go through his reads with more fluidity. That’s not something that develops overnight for young QBs, of course, and so they’ll have to be patient. The Riders sit tied with BC for the best record in the West right now, so it’s not all doom and gloom – but I thnk that they’d also like to not be in a position where Trevor Harris feels like he has to rush back too soon in order to keep up in the playoff hunt. The sky is certainly not falling in Regina right now. A decisive win over these sad-sack Edmonton Elks is probably just what the doctor ordered coming up. That said, one has to think that we’re not likely to see McLeod Bethel-Thompson in an Elks uniform much longer considering how Edmonton’s offence has dried up since Chris Jones’ firing. With Tre Ford’s brief but electric performance last week, it’s been truly inexplicable how the coaching and management has had such little faith in him these last two seasons.
PICK: Saskatchewan
Toronto (4-3) vs. Calgary (3-4), Sunday, August 4th, 7:00 PM EDT (TSN, CBSSN, CFL+): Considering how thoroughly Calgary got stomped last week, I think their best course of action is simply to burn the game tape. They’ve had some flashes of brilliance this year – a big win over BC and a great offensive showing against Winnipeg before that – but defensively they need to be more consistent and the O-line needs to a better job of protecting the pocket. Toronto’s offence is limping along right now, but RB Ka’Deem Carey remains a bright spot for the team. There’s just two more games left until starting QB Chad Kelly is eligible to return. I still think he probably doesn’t deserve the right to return to the league based on his appalling personal conduct, but there’s no denying that he’s a better player than both Cameron Dukes and Nick Arbuckle, both of whom looked pretty inept last week. If Toronto can play a very simplified game and lean towards a ground & pound scheme, I think they can come out with a road win here.
PICK: Toronto
BYE: Ottawa (5-2)
STANDINGS AND STATS
East Division Standings
Team | Games | Wins | Losses | Points For | Points Against |
Montreal | 7 | 6 | 1 | 195 | 152 |
Ottawa | 7 | 5 | 2 | 174 | 167 |
Toronto | 7 | 4 | 3 | 194 | 182 |
Hamilton | 7 | 2 | 5 | 195 | 221 |
West Division Standings
Team | Games | Wins | Losses | Points For | Points Against |
BC | 7 | 5 | 2 | 206 | 170 |
Saskatchewan | 7 | 5 | 2 | 183 | 158 |
Calgary | 7 | 3 | 4 | 165 | 197 |
Winnipeg | 8 | 2 | 6 | 163 | 186 |
Edmonton | 7 | 0 | 7 | 174 | 216 |
Passing Yards
- Adams, Jr., BC – 2395
- Mitchell, HAM – 2257
- Brown, OTT – 1881
Passing TDs
- Mitchell, HAM – 17
- Adams, Jr., BC – 14
- Maier, CGY – 11
Rushing Yards
- Oliveira, WPG – 511
- Carey, TOR – 491
- Mills, CGY – 406
Receiving Yards
- McInnis, BC – 780
- Philpot, MTL – 690
- Hollins, BC – 663
Defensive Tackles
- Morgan – 45
- Wilson, HAM – 44
- Beverette, MTL – 43
Sacks
- Ceresna, TOR – 5
- Archibald, BC – 4
- Johnson, MTL – 4
Interceptions
- Milligan, SSK – 4
- Roberson, CGY – 3
- Williams, SSK – 2
Field Goals
- Ward, OTT – 25
- Whyte, BC – 24
- Castillo, WPG – 22
PICK POOL
No perfect scores once again this week; I will note that reviewing the picks matrix that I was apparently the only person to pick the Riders on the road last week. Considering how that game turned out, that makes me an idiot. But I repeat myself.
Remember to submit your picks here! https://www.pooltracker.com/join.asp?poolid=231808
Rank | Total Points | Weekly Score | Win Percentage |
WCS | 23 | 3-1 | 71.88% |
Ballsofsteelandfury | 23 | 3-1 | 71.88% |
The Maestro | 20 | 2-2 | 62.50% |
SonOfSpam | 17 | 2-2 | 53.13% |
Game Time Decision | 17 | 1-3 | 53.13% |
Gumbygirl | 17 | 2-2 | 53.13% |
BC Dick | 15 | 2-2 | 46.88% |
Don T | 15 | 2-2 | 46.88% |
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem | 5 | 0-4 | 15.63% |
Enjoy the games, everyone.
Game thread is ready and waiting.
The name of Summer McIntosh’s older brother? Vernal Equinox McIntosh.
They call him Vern for short. He brought a comb.
Guys, I’m torn. There’s a Brazilian surfer wearing essentially a thong with her butt cheeks hanging out but she’s wearing a helmet while surfing which makes me think she’s forbidden word.
I suppose I have to cheer for the other Brazilian with a larger bottom suit but with no helmet.
Dave Attell: “Those titties ain’t xxxxxxxx”
https://x.com/womenpostingws/status/1818699502301450603#m
https://gabrieleseghizzi.com/stories/giorgia-villa-parmigiano-reggiano/
I saw that-why isn’t she smiling when her photo is taken though?
Because her mouth is full of delicous cheese and she doesn’t want any to fall out, obviously.
Y’all gonna have to give me a trigger warning when you post Olympic news.
Fucking loser
If you can’t even beat drag queens in America, how you gonna represent on the global stage, you fat fuck?
I don’t know for sure, but, I’m willing to bet he’s a proud member of the FUCK YOUR FEELINGS group
I’m watching golf and surfing and the golfers are getting in the water more than the surfers.
Haven’t seen the Hippo in a while, maybe this will drag him out of the woodwork.
um, she’s 17.
Well, shit. Don’t tell Chris Hanson where I live.
Shoulders don’t have age!!
– Somewhere in NC
her mom won the Gold in the 84 games for the same event, so let’s see
That’s really cool.
So you’re saying swimming runs in their family?
Which begs the question-does running swim in anyone’s family?
THIS SWIMMER SUMMER MCINTOSH I CALL HER JOE BIDEN BECAUSE MATT GAETZ IS HAPPY TO TELL ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN THAT SHE IS TOO OLD.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Irc5j1gkihY&pp=ygUOc2hlJ3Mgb25seSAxNyA%3D
Watching this video again for the first time in forever, and Kip Winger looks EXACTLY like a guy who’s hooked up with many underage girls.
Where is he?
My friend’s kid won the gold in the 4 man crew!
VERY COOL!
Here’s some 2 Live Crew to celebrate!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNsdMFCXH9M
Boots on the ground!
Ha, I wish my boots were on the ground in Paris!
boat on the river
canoe on the creek
ship on the Seine
CNN reporting to expect to see JD Vance spending more time in the spotlight, which surprises me because I always thought he was more of a track lighting kind of guy.
I hope all of his interviews are on shows where is seated on a couch. A provacatively dressed one, with really firm, deep cushions (and I am enjoying writing this way too much) just so he keeps looking down, sweating profusely, and trying to sink into the couch.
Between Ireland winning a gold medal at the Olympics, Joe Biden being an Irish Catholic, the Celtics winning the NBA Championship, and a potential Harris/Kelly ticket, could this be the year of the Irish?
BAWT THE SAWX STILL HAHHVEN’T WON A WORLD SERIES IN AWLMOST A DECAHDE!! OWAH PAIN!!
It’s about damn time we got a break.
I’ll drink to that. (also, I will drink to anything as I am part Mick)
“I’m something of a couch potato, does that count as Irish?” – JD Vance
“IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN.” – JD Vance, menacing a leather couch with a bottle of Weiman’s.
Algerian gymnast just made an amazing save on the beam. She should get extra points for that. Also the whole French colonial thing.
Yeah, that whole coordination thing is as foreign as, well, Algeria.
Also, the Olympics is great for letting everyone know who among us works from home.
I’m not even sure where our office is anymore.
Also I have more time than usual the last couple of days because the operating system that went in at the beginning of the year and was an absolute nightmare, then sort of, kind of stabilized itself at just a tolerable amount of sucking, has suddenly taken a big step backwards and I’ve spent a great deal of time getting kicked out of files and having to restart everything.
It’s a lot of fun and I have no regrets.
Mine is 1420 miles away. According to Google Maps, I can drive it in just under 21 hours.
Canuckistani Women’s Beach Volleyball team is decidedly not taking advantage of the new rules allowing women to wear shorts instead of skimpy bikini bottoms.
Submitted for your approval, my balance beam routine:
I approach the beam at a walk, limping on my bad knee. Putting both hands on the beam, I heave myself into the air, bracing my chest and stomach on the beam while using my arms to haul myself up towards the balancing surface.
My legs kick wildly in the air.
Straining my triceps to the point of exhaustion my body pushes up and over the beam, but then keeps going right into my dismount, a fall I like to call ‘the sack of shit’ as I hit the ground on either my left or right side, (gotta keep the judges guessing), before leaping to my feet, throwing my arms in the air and yelling ‘THE ARISTOCRATS!” as loud as I can.
The East German judge gives me a 2.
Every time they do a leap and look away I think of Stuart’s “Look what I can do!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbVv7_eexqI
He’s up it to an 8 if you shit yourself, which you almost surely would.
This is my high school gym teacher. She was about 5 feet tall, and at least that wide. I refused to get on the balance beam every year unless she got up there herself and demonstrated proper safety technique. It never happened, so I have never actually been on a balance beam.
I don’t know why she’s sideways, unless her sheer bulk tilted the image!
She’s falling off the balance beam.
I hope you’e happy with yourself.
I am!
Every week I wait to make my picks until after I read Maestro’s carefully considered analysis ( ha, anal) and then I go completely off the reservation. It’s not a great strategy, I don’t recommend it.
Narrator: “And that is how Gumbygirl won the Lowratio League and elevation to Freezer Vodka League.”
I’m going to lead the Point and Laugh division. Until it all falls apart, and I’m mathematically eliminated by week 8 or 9.
Regardless of whatever he does in the future, JD Vance’s wikipedia will always have to delete “FUCKED A COUCH” from his profile.
Sometimes the internet does do good things to horrid people.
My fake dream of doing the MTA subway station challenge approves of this CFL challenge.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subway_Challenge
Come to think of it, I might be missing the B & Z trains and the two not-42nd Street shuttles to complete the Class A version (which is just be on every train line at some point and not even the full length).
Theoretical question: Does Vance prefer his couches to have their tags on or tags removed?
If he’s feeling saucy, he uses the cushion he cut the DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW one off of.
Tags removed. He doesn’t believe in protection.
Tags off.
THIS GUY JD VANCE I CALL HIM SCOTCHNAUT BECAUSE HE PREFERS NOT TO LEAVE HIS VICTIMS WITH ANY IDENTIFYING FEATURES.
“Great defending, as the UK denies the US entry”
The UK learned that from Raymour & Flanagan’s approach to JD Vance.
USHA VANCE: [feeling frisky] Hey honey, want to “get down”?
JD VANCE: [thinking of that down-filled sofa he saw earlier at the Pottery Barn] Hell yeah I do…
See, this joke starts with a solid concept but then falls apart because there is no realistic situation in which a woman looks at that fucking doughboy and thinks “oh yeah, I gotta have that!”
Maybe I should have prefaced it with her having taken her contact lenses out for the evening after having watched six consecutive episodes of The Witcher.
I hear Ben Shapiro’s wife does that, then just tells Ben she dropped a gallon-jug of water.
Took her contacts out and put her extra- strength beer goggles on.
I know women are empowered and everything.
But I’m sitting here at the Scottsdale Mall telling you dumb chicks are alive and plentiful.
To be fair, so are dudebros who stalk chicks at malls.
(sorry, that’s not fair…I’m sure Blax is openly staring as opposed to stalking)
I’m waiting for the shorts store to open so I can try on and buy shorts.
How is the US so bad at 3-on-3 basketball? The men and the women absolutely suck.
It’s the dumbest sport in the Olympics and I refuse to watch even single second of it.
It really is pretty stupid.
The Curse of Jimmer!
Zach Collaros making his move for the Russell Wilson Washed Up Man of the Year award.
Let me get this straight: The Biden administration rescued some American hostages while deporting some dangerous Russian criminals, and Republicans are complaining?
THESE GUYS THE GOP I CALL THEM BEN SHAPIRO’S WIFE BECAUSE IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW BETTER YOU’D THINK IT WAS COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE THEM.
Burghum said the deal got done because Putin believes Trump will win and wouldn’t be able to get a better deal with the mast negotiator in office.
So that’s some spin.
Now that’s fucking funny.
What’s even funnier is apparently Trump wanted to pick Burghum as his veep but his two failsons talked him into Vance. I really hope that’s true.
Imagine getting passed over for JD fucking Vance.
You misspelled “couchfucking”
OK, hear me out: Archery, but in between rounds of shooting you have to shotgun a beer.
I like the shotgun idea for most if not all events.
My understanding is that alcohol is actually on the banned substances list because a small amount can be beneficial for sports where aiming is involved.
No cough syrup allowed. Killjoys.
Always awkward when the US boxer NBC spent all that time building up and emphasizing her awe-inspiring life story goes out and gets absolutely smoked in her first fight.
“Her real victory was just overcoming the obstacles that stood in her way of getting here.”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure the biggest obstacle was that Finnish woman I just watched pick her apart for three rounds.
I want my tax dollars going towards fucking medals.
GOLD ONES.
#bringbackthegoldstandardandletsfucksomecouches
Race walking needs to be banned.
“This is a guy to be taken very, very seriously.”
Sir, this is race-walking. None of these people are to be taken seriously.
Going to start lobbying for a new Olympic sport, race ambling. You have to keep your hands in your pockets, and during every lap you must wander to the side of the course and look at something for no less than 30 seconds and no more than 45.
Breaking a sweat is a 2-lap penalty.
“Let’s see the womens uniforms and how young do they perform?”
-IOC, seriously considering this sport
I could get behind that. I recommend silk micro shorts.
“Mr. Gaetz, we’ve told you before: you’re not a member of the IOC and you’re not supposed to be in these meetings.”
Team USA illustrated
“You have to keep your hands in your pockets”
I like where your head’s at, but I’m seeing a problem here.
I can get behind that!
The 15k Mosey! I like it!
This guy took it all little too seriously.
https://vault.si.com/vault/2004/07/26/walking-his-life-away-for-race-walker-albert-heppner-making-the-2004-us-olympic-team-was-allimportantperhaps-in-the-end-too-important
Jesus Christ.
Yikes.
I can walk really fast for very long distances without once looking like I’m holding in a five pound chili dump.
Enjoy the Yeast Coast.
Al’s back in pace. Thanks for the roll up Maestro, enjoy your vacation and safe travels.