Dealing With Tax Issues In A Mature, Adult Fashion

If I could impart just one piece of advice to today’s youth, it would be to make sure you’re born into a stupid amount of money. This will be difficult to achieve if you’ve reached the age of birth or later, but it’s totally worth whatever effort you may have to expend to get there. The advantages to being wealthy from Womb Escape Day are numerous; for one, you never have to wonder whether to buy the good shoes or sulk defeatedly into a Payless. (Is Payless still around? My feet blistered up just driving past that place.) There are probably at least like six other advantages to being rich, but Not Having To Work is perhaps the goodest one by far.

You see, for those of us not born into big money, once our schooling is done (for many, 12th grade; for others, college; for those in Mississippi, kindygarden), we must attain gainful employment. Money is necessary in order to be exchanged for goods and services

so it’s very important that you find some company to consistently pay you said money. The downside of course is that this company will require you to perform functions, or “work”, in order to earn the money you otherwise deserve. “But writer guy,” you say, “I am already aware of this societal contract and am fine with it.” Well, imaginary arguer, read this crap and you just may be ready to spend another nine months in a uterus.

At the end of every year, your company is supposed to tally up how much they begrudgingly paid you and send you a record called a W-2. This record isn’t cool like Physical Graffiti; rather, it’s a form that shows your income and how much federal and state tax you paid, which you in turn utilize to report to federal and state tax agencies what you made and what you owe and/or what they may owe you. “But wait,” you say, “why do you have to ‘file taxes’ if the tax agencies already have this info?” Good question, interrupting person, but that’s a rant for another day. Pencil me in for the next vernal equinox.

Now that you have the basic idea about all things economic (no, really, that’s all there is to it), I’m gonna bullet point a quick example to illustrate why working and paying taxes should only be  reserved for prisoners and vegans.

• January 1st – Hey, it’s a new year! My W-2 will be here soon, and then I can get my taxes done. What a fine time we will have!
• Late February – (opens W-2 form) Well, all seems to be in order…wait a minute. My employer’s state Tax ID number is missing! Well, that’s not right. I’ll check with HR tomorrow and get some answers.
• Tomorrow – Dear HR, I hope this email finds you well. Um, I’m not sure where to direct this, but my W-2 came over without a state Tax ID number. I can’t file without it. (Note: “I can’t File Without It” could be a Barry Manilow song parody. Find Weird Al, split the profits.) Please let me know how to proceed.
• A few days later – Dear Employee, gosh, sorry about that. The Payroll Department says to go ahead and use our federal Tax ID number in the state Tax ID box, and all will be well.
• Later that evening – I followed their instructions, and the online tax form went through without a hitch. Neat.
• April – Due to poor planning, both the feds and the state owed me a little money back. Hey the feds just direct-deposited my refund, so the state will probably do the same any day now!
• May – Stupid state is slow, oh well, can’t fight City Hall. I’m a patient person and will remain patient.
• Next day – Hey the state website has a “Where’s My Refund?” app on it. I’ll just enter my info and…”we could not complete this thing for some reason, so get bent, citizen”
• Next day – I’ll just call the state tax board and “THANK YOU FOR YOUR CALL WE ARE SUPER BUSY SO GET BENT, CITIZEN”
• June – Summer is approaching, whatever happens with the state tax refund I’m owed, it’ll work out, and hey, a butterfly!
• Next day – Oh look, a letter from the state tax board. They’re probably apologizing for taking so long and “HEY SLACKER YOU OWE US MONEY HURRY UP OR WE WILL MAKE YOUR BALLS ITCH. DO NOT ASK HOW, WE CAN TOTALLY DO THAT.”
• Ten seconds later – Oh crap, maybe I made a mistake. Better check everything. (checks everything) Huh, nope, they owe me a refund. Well, this is a pickle.
• Literally the next day – An email from HR: “Dear employees in the state you’re in, which is different from where we are headquartered, oopsie! We finally got our shit together and acquired a legit Tax ID number for your state! Isn’t that exciting? Sure, it’s now late June, and we should have had our shit together long before now, but what are you gonna do? Write a sarcastic post on some random website? Ha ha ha. Anyway, corrected W-2 forms will be sent out soon. Byesies!”
• Thirty seconds later – I realize that state thinks I owe them money because my employer’s W-2 was completely worthless and they don’t think I paid state tax even though I totally did and OH MY GOD MY EMPLOYER HAS FUCKED ME BECAUSE THEY LET A HIGH SCHOOL INTERN RUN PAYROLL.
• Early August – Still no corrected W-2. Better go check the mail. Oh good, another letter from the state tax board “OKAY SLACKER, YOU ARE TRYING OUR PATIENCE. PAY UP OR WE WILL CONVINCE YOUR WIFE YOU SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLALRS ON HOOKERS AND BLOW. YES, WE CAN TOTALLY DO THAT.”
• Now, right this very second – Email from HR: “Ohmigosh, thanks for checking in again, I know Payroll is like SUPER hard at work reprinting the W-2 forms and I just KNOW you’ll be seeing it any day, just hang on another skosh!” I slam my forehead into my desk and let out a banshee ululation throughout the tri-city area. The three cities in question are Tulsa, Savannah, and Butte.

So the lesson here is, be born into sick wealth. Failing that, find out whether your payroll department is run by a high school intern. And always, always, ALWAYS drink the good stuff. Life’s too short and irritating for house wine.