Welcome back to DFO’s Annual Christmas movies review. This feature is where one of us poor bastards watches a Christmas movie and summarizes it for you, so you can go for a snooze or drink more booze when your significant other forces you to watch the movie. Scotchnaut and Wakezilla have covered this beat in the past, but I keep stumbling onto hidden gems that seem to be as invisible to them as obvious concussion signs are to Miami Dolphins team doctors.  Today’s Christmas movie is currently streaming on the NFL Network and is titled Mahomes Alone.

The Setup:

The NFL is headed to Paris!

In keeping with the NFL’s recent edict that “Football is Family (and Don’t You Forget It or We’ll Put You Back in the Cage)”, the Kansas City Chiefs will be leaving their loved ones behind this Christmas as they jet off to France to face off against the San Antonio Armadillos*.  The whole team is excited about the trip, but when star quarterback Patty Mahomes enrages the family patriarch by slipping the team dog a morsel of precious steak under the table, he’s banished to the attic for the night.  In the tumult of the following morning’s departure for the airport, Patty is left stranded by himself in the household all alone.

The Obstacle:

Meanwhile, Joey “Gnocci” Bosa is feeling overlooked.  He already made-a his momma cry by eschewing the family’s olive oil and waste collection business and pursuing an NFL career, but now all the accolades and attention he’s earned from his considerable success on the field have disappeared like a ghost gun regular ghost now that his cousin Luigi just assassinated a CEO closed a huge legitimate business deal in New York City.  Joey has decided that a series of burglaries of high-profile NFL quarterbacks will help him earn his way back into the good graces of his family just in time for the holidays.  To help him pull off the jobs, he’s has recruited a recently released old childhood friend to who insists on referring to the duo as the “wet bandits” because he always gets high on PCP before each burglary, Maxx Crosby.

Plot Shenanigans:

As a frantic Roger Goodell races around Paris trying to figure out what happened to the precious star of his on-field Christmas production, Patty enjoys a day of freedom at home, consuming non-NFL-approved PEDs, signing up for DraftKings and placing a few prop bets (“Passing touchdowns for Patrick Mahomes in Christmas Day game? I’ll take the under…”), and slathering his steak with Heinz ketchup instead of the team-mandated Hunt brand.  But once darkness falls and the Christmas bulbs light up, the fun ends.

During Patty’s first evening of solitude, the duo of Bosa and Crosby arrive to burglarize Mahomes’s sweet home.  Patty is able to thwart them by turning on all the lights and filling the rooms with mannequins and cardboard cutouts, and the scheme fools Joey into thinking that a DNC fundraiser is ongoing at the property (“We can’t burn the house down with everybody inside it,” Maxx says as he attempts to mollify his mercurial partner, “if we do that there won’t be anything left for us to steal!”).  Patty understands that such a ruse won’t work a second time, so instead he spends the following afternoon arranging a series of highly illegal** booby traps.

Upon their arrival at – and attempted invasion of – the home on the second evening, Joey and Maxx repeatedly fall prey to Patty’s schemes.  What began as mild amusement builds to genuine hatred as the youngster consistently exploits the pair’s instincts for good sportsmanship.  But after an hour of close calls, near misses, and actual physical torture the lumbering oafs finally manage to corner young Patty.  The two tower over him, salivating at the prospect of enacting their well-earned revenge.  With no sidelines for him to dance along, and the prospect of sliding at their feet leaving him well short of a first down, it looks like Patty’s Christmas goose is finally cooked.

The Resolution:

But then salvation comes from the most unlikely place…

The creepy neighbor we spotted earlier – who Patty described to his family earlier in the film as “robbing them of greatness” steps in to save the day.  The burglars are ejected from the premises and – like all wealthy Americans – punished with some harsh words and a fine that amounts to a miniscule fraction of their annual income.  Roger Goodell sends a private Learjet to hustle Patty off to Paris just in time for the game, where he throws for 184 yards, one touchdown, two interceptions, and the Chiefs win at the last moment after the Armadillos’ quarterback leads his team into the red zone for what would be a game-winning field goal, but during his attempt to spike the ball it bounces off one of his lineman’s heels and into the hands of a Chiefs defensive back who returns it for the decisive score as time expires.

* The filmmakers were unwilling or unable to pony up the licensing fee to use another genuine NFL team; as of press time it was unclear why they didn’t use the familiar stand-in for imaginary NFL teams, the “Houston Texans”.

** Pending an imminent ruling from the U.S. Supreme Court