Whew, Uncle Teddy is back.  I know y’all missed his handsome mug.

JV fixtures were all bad, and the NFL proper slate looked…less than promising.  Oddly, Black Panthers/Qards was maybe the most competitive (while still resembling professional FITBAW) early matchup.  As Balding Spiritually noted, Charlotte’s finest led 20-3 and 30-20, and gakked up each lead.  Chad Ryland nailed a 58-yarder at the gun to send us to Extra Time at 30-30.  Panthers did nothing on offense, but their punt was great.  Arizona boldly went for it on 4th and 2 from their OWN 18, made it…and then lost 16 yards the remainder of the possession.  One handoff to Chuba Hubbard, into easy FG range.  Second handoff to Hubbard, he walks in for 6.  36-30, Qards bounced from playoff contention.

Iggles/Commies looked like a laugher early – Saquon went for 100+ and 2 TDs…in the first fucking quarter.  But ruh roh, Hurts got a head owie, in comes Uncle Jack.  And oh man, did he ever Uncle Jack all over the pitch.  For some reason (ok, because he’s stupid) Sirianni didn’t put a shock collar and demand that he protect the ball and handoff every play.  But the Commies had blips of their own, turning the ball over FIVE times.  #5 gave Philly the ball with a 2-point lead.  3rd and 5, a first down basically ends the game…and Slim Reaper drops it.  WIDE fucking open.  FG is good, but Daniels has 2 minutes and a timeout to play with.  It was just enough, scoring the winning octopus with 6 seconds on the clock.  36-33, Washington – and 12-3 Iggles have NOT clinched quite yet (I think).

People thought the Fuck LioUns might be mad after last week.  They…uh, were.  Not much of a professional effort by the home Bearistocrats!, but even so, the play where Baby Buster fakes a snap problem to hit LaPorta for the dagger shot TD?  Funny as fuck.  Opponent doesn’t want to earn your respect?  Don’t show ’em any.  And they didn’t, winning 34-17.  The 1 seed almost surely is coming out of the NFC North, but DET has work to do to sew up said division.  13-2 is a good start, though.

Battle for Ohio, mark 2.  A tale of two cities (shitties?) – Believeland starts on offense, Jerome Ford takes off for a 66-yard gain.  He would get a grand total of TWO more carries the rest of the half.  From the 1, #ThePauls handed off twice to backup D’Onta Foreman, and on attempt two, he got Peanut punched.  WKRP takes over, goes 99 yards for a TD.  It would have been enough points to win, but they got a few more (even a late garbage time deep ball to Chase), winning 24-6.  Bengals have the faintest of pulses for the 7 seed.  At least they’ll be alive for Saturday’s trip to Donksville.

In the first 31 minutes of play, Horse Cock Lock threw THREE touchdowns.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is, two went to Falcon defenders.  Penix didn’t have to do much (and really didn’t), but kept enough of a raging semi to run off the last 34 points of the game, 34-7 win for the home side.  Sherman’s Ashes march on, alive for playoffs (remember they win any MRSA-based tiebreaker).  Don’t feel too bad for Lock, he’ll still retire with 8-figures, and best known for having a comically large pecker.  There are…worse life arcs than that.

Matching the Vertically Enhanced Persons’ professionalism?  DonT’s once-magnificent Tits.  They also scored the opening TD, but then let the Fat Humps break off 38 in a row.  Unlike Daboll’s crew, Tennessee got garbage time-frisky, with 3 late scores (including two octopi).  Sadly for their handful of supporters, they couldn’t get the subsequent defensive stop they needed, and lose 38-30.  Humps still theoretically alive, but not really.

I almost forgot Jest/RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!, and really – the less said, the better.  Jersey B really brought the Benny Hill-style yuk-yuks for the home folks, though.  LA finally squeezed out a late TD to take a 16-9 lead, and put things to bed 19-9.  Jest’ last touch was a fair catch muff on a Rams under-2:00 punt.  Woody Johnson has the squadron he truly deserves.

Four games late, only Vikes/Truthers of any consequence or remote interest.  Very back and forth, until a magnificent/brave toss from Darnold, caught in ridiculously smooth fashion by Justin Jefferson, put Minny up for good, 27-24.  Truthers would miss a 60-yard FG attempt, get the ball back with 55 seconds – followed by false start then pickerception.  27-24, it stays.  SKOL join the LioUns at 13-2.  And yes, they play head-to-head in Week 18.  Hopefully, flexed to SNF.

Well, I said it was a nothing slate…but the P*ts somehow ran out to a 14-nil lead in WNY.  What the fuck, Bills Mafia?  It remained 14-7 at the half.  But sadly for Chefs fans (hoping to clinch the 1 seed in the AFC, despite being MAYBE the 6th-best squadron in the NFL), the 2nd half happened.  Nothing fabulous from the offense (other than James Cook), but a dumb lateral recovered in the end zone ended the competitive portion of the game at 24-14, Bills.  New England managed a TD inside of 2:00 (after like 10 plays inside the red zone) to close things to 24-21, where it stayed.  Brokeback seemed to be shaking off an owie to his throwing hand.  I’m sure that will be the talk of the coming week.

Jaguras and Raiders absolutely, positively completed their contractual obligations to play a game.  Vegas gimps out a win, hurts their draft positioning, 19-14.

CBS sent its #1 crew to Miami for LOLfins/Tomsulas.  Both at 6-8, Tomsulas having been mathematically eliminated due to early results.  No clue how Miami could make the dance, but apparently they have a triple-bank shot scenario.  Tua and palz hit the first part of the parlay, winning a boring 29-17 game over the Ded Tomsulas.  So many LOLfin placements.

Fact that pleases only me – there were 3/3 punt fake successes on the day (that I saw/noticed – AZ, NE, SEA) – and EACH AND EVERY ONE resulted in a punt anyway, 3 plays later. Symbolic of the futility of man’s struggle in this world.

Not a goddamned chance in Hades that I stay up for Cowpersons (also eliminated by early window results) and MRSA Men.  Zero.  Fucks.  Given.

Enjoy the remainder of your Festivus.  Make sure to complain extra if’n you’s working today.