As I write this Connecticut is in the midst of one of those storms that started as snow, turned to ice overnight, and is now rain. My driveway’s been plowed, (make friends with your neighbors, people), but the snowbanks on both sides are keeping the rainwater in and pooling, and when all this freezes on Monday, when we plunge back to single digits again, I’ll be opening it up for ice fishing and charging a nominal fee.
Might as well make some money off of this shitty weather.
Basically, it’s a good day to stay inside and bake. Mrs. Horatio agrees, but for different baking. I don’t bake, but I do agree it’s a good idea to stay inside and consume baked goods. Although that’s most days, come to think of it.
Which leads us, in a very roundabout way, to today’s draft topic: Bread.
Today’s topic was inspired by a series of comments in an open post a few weeks back, with several Commentists discussing bread. I saw that and said “Hey, a draft topic! I should write that down!” And for once, I did.
The rules are that we’re drafting bread. No doughnuts, crullers, or other baked goods, delicious as those might be. It’s gotta be a loaf of bread. In order to expand, (that’s a yeast joke, get it? Oh, like you’re so funny), the draft we will allow the same type of bread to be drafted multiple times, so long as it comes from different sources, i.e. someone could draft Wonder Bread, some else could draft a white bread from their favorite local bakery, etc.
Don’t be afraid to shout out the locals!
The usual rules apply. Make your pick, wait ten picks or 30 minutes, pick again. Welcome back, wipe your feet outside the door, and someone dust off that Blair Witch gif. It’s draftin’ time!
With the first pick I will take the Calamata Olive Sourdough from Litchfield’s own Bantam Bread Company.
I cannot begin to explain to you how delicious this is. I once bought a loaf hot out of the oven and then tried to drive a half hour with it in the car next to me, and when I got to my destination you’d have thought I kept mice in the car. Irresistible.
The rest of you are on the clock.
THIS CANADIEN OFFENSE I CALL IT OLIVE GARDEN BREADSTICKS, BECAUSE IT FITS THE THEME OF THIS DRAFT AND BOTH ARE UNLIMITED!!
Did the Bahstahn fans boo the Canuckistani National Anthem?
The Finns should maybe throw a couple of loaves of that bread Scotchy drafted into goal.
Watching a weather podcast, and fuck, those poor bastards in WV are getting fucked in those narrow valleys where the town runs along the rivers. No climate change, nothing to see here, all is normal, move along.
Wow, too bad DOGE shut down FEMA but hey, at least we can all say the ‘n’ word now, amirite?
Should have named it DODGE.
DOUCHE
As long as dem geys transfered dei’s stay outta are skools and jerbs
Is Veterans Hiring Preference a form of DEI? Because, if so, I insist on outlawing this very necessary unintended consequence.
MOAR COAL FOR THE COAL GODS
they gonna have to wait till it dries out
Pita bread from the Pita Stop in Birmingham. Yes, they do serve everything in pyrex baking dishes, nobody knows why
If it is real Pyrex, not pyrex, that shit is almost impossible to break. I used to use a Pyrex measuring cup for a target when target shooting, it took a lot of impacts over the course of a year to finally break. Can handle extreme changes in temperature over a very short time, repeatedly so you can steam wash the hell out of it, then throw it into cold water to cool for use.
It’s only real Pyrex if it comes from the Pyrex region of France.
For legal reasons, the actual borosilicate glass we think of as Pyrex, is not used in pyrex. Too stoned to be assed to look up why they had to do it.
I’ll take a Gyro on a fresh Pita please,yum.
I swearI didn’t see this before I posted mine!
Not a fan of Greek food.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gcm-tOGiva0&ab_channel=samuelmatthews
4th and last pick, because this is unfair, pane di chocolate from Pane ti voglio in Vicenza. This place has been rated the top bread and pastry store in the region. I stop in a couple times a week.
I envy and hate you at the same time. Sigh, I love bread and pastries but they have stopped loving me as much or love me so much they seem to stay forever.
I have a hard time believing that Binnington is the best Canadia goaler guy we have on offer in a must-win game.
Love this bread, Dempsters Oat and honey. Slightly toasted with some butter, yum
Marchand on the 4th line?
[puts “rat on a sinking ship” joke in holster in case Canada loses*]
*which it won’t, don’t be silly
Poison intolerance is a bad trait to have as a King.
Almost inconceivable when you think about it.
That quote was from the MST3k Hamlet, which has Paul VanDerHoven playing the gravedigger.
As a salute to the team that will begin losing to The Canada in just a few moments, I select Jalkiuuileipa bread. As you can see, it’s a dense rye bread that has a fruitcake consistency. Back in its heyday it was strung from kitchen ceilings but the number of deaths incurred by it falling on small children’s heads put a stop to that practice. Now it’s used to tuck under a stuck vehicle in the winter in order to gain traction. It’s also used in gyms as barbells in impoverished Finnish communities. Are you someone that has double consecutive vowels in your name and has a loose tooth? Biting into Jalkiuuileipa might be right for you, according to 4 out of 5 Finnish dentists.
Oh like there are 5 dentists in Finland.
https://www.statista.com/statistics/463499/dentists-employment-in-finland/#:~:text=Number%20of%20practicing%20dentists%20in%20Finland%202009%2D2020&text=In%202020%2C%20the%20number%20of,48%20dentists%20(%2D1.16%20percent).
BFC should be glad that that’s not where I was going to go for my babka! Not even going to the many of gigs throughout Williamsburg and Borough Park.
Going with the ube babka wreath from Kora, originally a pop-up in LIC, now apparently with a brick and mortar in Sunnyside. Christmas only, but holy fuck.
Also they make brioche donuts with their signature being flan!
Smelling me some
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4cgjuu
Dwarven War Bread. Hard enough to crack a trolls skull and lasts longer than the mountains themselves.
Lembas Bread. When you got a long way to go
[throws down clipboard] – Lowratio
The stamping of tiny feet is really getting distracting.
Release the….Finns?
Are you the EBUG?
At this rate? I might be. 2 goals on 2 shots for Canada
Homemade biscuits.
And if you have to put sausage gravy on there you won’t hurt my feelings
To me biscuits are not a bread, they are a heavenly side dish all of their own. Next you will be telling me muffins or scones are bread. hmmm.
3rd round. The bruschetta capricciosa from Panetteria Zanere in Caldogno Italy. We get sensational bread around here folks.
Picking an actual Italian bakery feels like cheating.
I know. I could go on like this all day.
There are seriously like six outstanding ones within a 5 minute drive. I am spoiled rotten folks.
No wonder you run on a regular basis.
That is no shit, my weight control plan.
We’re here with our model rockets, and he’s putting satellites in space.
/me, trying to launch a rocket made of wood
2Pack: “So anyway, this’ll be orbiting Neptune in a week…”
Pepperoni rolls from the Pie Shoppe in Laighlintown PA. They copyrighted their images, good thing, because if I showed you, you’d be heading there now! Bonus if they just yanked them out of the oven. They sell a ton of them, so chances are good you’ll get a fresh one.
It’s Laughlintown, fat fingers
Hey You should make these. I’ll help or at least get real high while watching TV.
I know I can always count on you, Taj!
Kisses my love
Yr’s French bread, from the GTD bakery
Nawt to be confused with the other failed creation from the same bakery
I’m sure Fire Extinguisher Exhaust Bread tastes better than it looks. Don’t be so hard on yourself!
I’ve got one of those photos!
Rye bread from Langer’s Deli in Los Angeles, the best rye bread in the world.
Also the best pastrami (better than anything in New York City) so go there and get a pastrami sandwich on rye. Try not to get stabbed.
https://ibb.co/zH0cW6KX
Mic drop.
Best bread in the world.
I’ll take Martin’s potato rolls next, which is a shame because the family are complete fucking asshats. But there’s nothing better for either a hot dog or hamburger. Please find something for me that is better so they can’t have my money.
https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2022/06/how-martins-potato-roll-family-got-behind-doug-mastriano.html
Don’t give Yeungling your monies, either.
They still use the Pinkertons to break up unionization talk.
Haven’t had to worry about me giving Yuengling my money since my 20s
I stopped worry about that right after I tasted their beer for the first time.
Also, congrats on getting plowed by your neighbors
(Had to since this is the 69th comment on this post)
Garlic bread
For my next pick, I’ll take a loaf of Cuban bread from Porto’s.
Maybe pay for it once in a while?
Tell you the tales of happiness but I will take Irish soda bread.
Dammit, I was hoping for a late round steal with that one.
“It’s better than slander!”
-K. Mitchell
Don’t know if you’ve been to Ireland but there bread is not of this world. Each restaurant, each store, hell each family do it slightly different I’ll let
Had this just yesterday. Great chew with a sourdough tang and tons of roasted garlic chunks. La Brea Bakery knows their shit.
I imagine picking the tar out of your teeth afterwards detracts from the experience.
I would also like to complain to the management about the misleading title of this post. I was looking forward to waking and baking.
There’s nothing stating you can’t…
Yeah, what am I, your supervisor? You can absolutely draft while under the influence.
As long as it’s not glue.
I did point out that Mrs. Horatio has the same opinion.
I suppose we could draft marijuana strains one of these days, although I’d be sitting that one out, as I do not indulge.
I did anyway
Look at Taj here with the courage of his convictions!
Getting ready to do so, being really high and cleaning rabbit litter boxes does not synergize like I had hoped.
Gotta clean the bong first, never take the first hit of the day from dirty paraphernalia.
Marble rye, the ultimate sandwich assest.
PB&J, peanut butter and Nutella, turkey and ham, grilled cheese… sandwiches are better with it.
In the second round… in the GTFOOH category… MRE pouch bread…
A sure cure for diarrhea… If ya know what I mean…
I do not know what you mean, and I suspect I do not want to.
Actually with the jalapeño cheese spread, and a healthy dose of desperation, it’s not that bad…
I’ll get pumpernickel off the board with the caveat that it’s not good at all unless it’s paired with spinach dip and then I can destroy half a loaf easy.
If monkey bread got picked, babka has to be eligible, so
/preempting Weaselo
I’ll take the babka from breads bakery in nyc
Breads Bakery, huh. Must have taken all day to come up with the name.
Good things take time to rise to the top
And prove themselves
Doughn’t make it weird
Oh you’re way past weird.
Duh and/or hello
Damn it, I forgot about the Mock Draft. This is the DFO equivalent of channel surfing one April weekend and stumbling onto NFL Network halfway through Round 5 of the Draft.
Panera Bread. It is the only place where it is acceptable to get bread as a side when you ordered a sandwich. Also, its a bonus when they made too much bread on a slow day or if they are late on your order, instead of giving you a small selection, they hand you the whole loaf of bread.
Is Panera Bread a specific bread? Legitimately asking, because these days nothing would surprise me.
If it’s not, circle back and pick a specific bread that Panera makes. No one’s taken anything from them yet, so go nuts.
French Baguette Loaf.
The incredible Brazilian cheesy poofs of bread you get at a tapas restaurant or at the Brazilian steak houses.
I think Balls may have Blair Witch’d you, but I’ll defer to him.
I’ll defer if he can pick one particular place he likes it from.
/AnH picks “Brazil” as that place
Name that steak house, A&H!!
Actually, the best place for it, is a Tapas restaurant downtown named Madre, at a Brazilian steak house was at the resort in Cancun, all inclusive, was verra nice.
A couple of these slathered in butter are great.
A couple of these as the base of your Eggs Benedict are even better.
Compared to even the cheapest crumpets at waitrose or Tesco in the UK, these are pure garbage.
I apologize for not being a world traveler.
/apologizes by hurling a bag of stale Thomas’ English Muffins at BFC’s head.
if you have Bays at your grocery store they are nice upgrade
Just make sure they’re fresh. You know I hate any old Bays
/shows self out
You’re on fire today, BFC.
Unfortunately, given these puns, only metaphorically.
Pick 1: Madre Weaselo’s focaccia. (A slice with minimal tomatoes.) Because 2Pack didn’t specify!
For future picks I presume babka is on the cake end and not the bread end of things?
Oroweat Oatnut. Not Arnold Oatnut. Not Brownberry Oatnut. Not Oroweat 12 Whole Grain Bread.
Oroweat Oatnut.
I’ll take king’s hawaiian rolls. IYKYK.
Oh now you’ve done it. Eli’s gonna throw a temper tantrum and Olivia’s gonna have your ass.
Fun fact: There’s a King’s Hawaiian bakery and restaurant in the LA area! They have many varieties of King’s Hawaiian bread amongst other things…
https://www.khbakery.com/
Foccacia fresh plain, or topped with olives or cherry tomatoes. They are baking this fresh as I run by each morning. So getting it warm just makes the day.
You should shout out the local bakery.
Mostly because if you specify it then I can draft foccacia bread from somewhere else, and I really want to.
From Bonetti bread store in Villaverla Italy.
Now get after your fav…
With my next pick, I’ll take the pao de queijo from Rio de Janeiro. Tons of places serve it, so I’ll specifically choose the ones from Casa do Pao de Queijo:
By the way, Pao de Queijo means cheese bread. Are you seeing a pattern here?
Honey Wheat Brown Bread. From wherever BT’s gets theirs.
So I can do this with it.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FAyjdAlWQAAvmgd?format=jpg&name=large
Warm chocolate chip banana bread is a wonderful thing on a cold day like today.
With my first pick, I’ll take the cheese bread at local LA institution, The Boat. They also have it at the other Clearman’s Northwoods Inn locations:
That looks sinful Brah
2. It’s been almost an hour, so…monkey bread. Because monkeys.
Stupid monkeys.
1. I’ll go with crossaint loaf made by Proof, who sold them for like $10 each when they probably could have charged $40 and the Dr. Mrs. and I would have happily paid it.
Trader Joe’s has their version of that which was a lot cheaper than $10 per loaf. Très délicieux !
Local place has a version of that which is also a cinnamon bread. So, so good, and the french toast it makes, yummmmm
Give me all the sourdough. I’ll be piling turkey, ham, roast beef to the sky with spicy mustard, plastic cheese slices and lettuce as God intended.
I’d also like to point out that putting margarine-not butter-on this bad boy is an egregious error right up there with trusting Pedro when he says he’s 18.
Love the Sourdough you get at the Keg. They warm it a bit before bringing it to the table. Have to stop myself from eating too much bread and leave room for the steak
Hippo will take a popcorn tub full of Eucharist wafers, because Hippo ain’t believe in Transubstatiation.
Leave it to Horatio to pick the WASPiest bread available in this solar system.
Anyway, Mancini’s bakery is a Yinzburgh staple. Primanti’s modeled their substandard bread on Mancini’s. The raisin bread is my personal favorite. Delicious on it’s own, it makes incredible French toast, among other dishes.
I don’t think a Greek bread with olives qualifies as WASPy, although buying it in Litchfield does give it a hell of a push in that direction.
It’s so fucking good though.
He got thrown off by the Wonder bread banner image.
Don’t mind him, he’s been telling people to shoot robbers for three hours now…
It’s called, “enhanced disarming.”
Allegheny 911 Approved Handbook Re: Unwanted Office Visitors
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2YCYW3GFU4
the idea that sommet from SOUTHERN Europe could in any way be WASPy, smgdh
They certainly won’t be welcome at the country club, I tell you what.
(Augusta National has entered the chat)
Ooooooooh, Mancini’s!
Yinzers know.
Challah. I want all the challah, otherwise this will be like “I take your mom’s challah” and that will lead to violence.
grumble grumble your mom is the original challah back girl grumble grumble
My daughter makes a very good challah bread.
I presume it is warm and moist. But hopefully not flaky.
Goddammit, I walked right into that one.