In The Beginning

So, if I remember right from eight years of parochial school, in the beginning God made (in no particular order) heaven, earth, man, seas, sky, light, animals, fishes, and Higgs boson particles. It was good. Then God took a day off to watch football, which became known as the “Sabbath” day – “Sabbath” translated loosely as “Damn, I have to work tomorrow.” (At some point, Jews and/or Seventh-Day Adventists decided that Saturday was the Sabbath instead of Sunday, but that only proves that they are college football fans.)

These creations were centered around The Garden of Eden in some fertile area between Asia, Europe, and Africa now known as “Fuck that, I ain’t going to the Middle East. They be crazy.” Back in the day, however, there was just Adam, and beasts, and various fruit trees (FORESHADOWING) which Adam had mostly free reign to pillage. One day, Adam (being born of clay, like a Golem) said, “Hey God, uh…Adam here. Thanks for all this, uh, stuff. Really, it’s awesome. But I have needs. And a boner. Can you help a brother out?” God decided that, despite Adam’s really sinful lack of propriety, he had a point. And a boner. So he said to Adam, “Hey, I get it. Go beat off, and sleep, and when you wake up, you’ll have a surprise.” Adam grinned, and proceeded to beat off (he would’ve gone full auto-fellatio, but he had an extra rib at that time), and fell into a deep slumber. When he awoke, he had a horrible pain (just kidding – Eden was perfect!), and a new companion, whom he named Eve.

(Side note: Adam totally did Lilith first, and for a long time, and Lilith bailed on his ass because Adam was a two-pump chump. This is not in the King James Bible, because patriarchal Bible-writing guys from 1800 years ago empathized with Adam. Plus, Lilith totally was a bitch and stuff.)

ANYWAY, Eve was a total babe, and told Adam how great he was at sex. She was ideal in that way, especially considering that Eve had no frame of reference to judge Adam’s masculinity, so she clearly was concerned about his feelings and not fulfilling her own sexual needs. Essentially, Eve was the perfect woman. And they lived in the Garden of Eden, totally naked, and since they were without sin, their balls/boobs didn’t even sag. Everything was perfect. They had whatever food they wanted (and God was like the BEST concierge/maitre d’), and if they needed entertainment, God would arrange fights between disparate animals AND book bets. Since this was Eden, Adam would always win his bets, and the animals were never truly hurt. (Yes, just like Mayweather fights.) Eve didn’t wager, of course, since she was busy getting drinks for Adam and preparing for not-very-satisfying sex.

God was really cool when it came to Garden of Eden Rules. Eat this, drink that, screw here or there, etc. There was just one thing God demanded of his creations. “See that tree there? In the middle? With the suspicious glow all about the leaves? I call that tree The Tree Of Knowledge, because if you eat from it you get knowledge. Don’t touch it. You have ALL THIS OTHER STUFF, so don’t be a dick and disobey this ONE THING I ask of you.” Adam and Eve were like, “Hey, we get it, and we would never disappoint You and Your command.” For a long time (probably like a few weeks, because people are stupid), Adam and Eve stayed away from the Tree. But then…

“Hey Eve, how’s it hanging?” Eve woke from a nap, startled at someone speaking to her without including the words “bring” or “suck.” She looked around and didn’t see anyone. God was taking a personal day, and Adam was off shagging a sheep (totally okay in Eden). Eve shrugged off the presumed hallucination (while wondering what “hallucination” meant), and tried to go back to sleep. “EVE! Damn it, I’m not talking to myself here. Look down.” Eve looked at the base of the Tree Of Knowledge, and saw a snake. Now she didn’t KNOW it was a snake, but the name seemed right, so she said, “Oh, sorry. Didn’t realize a ‘snake’ was here, talking to me.” The snake rolled his eyes (go with it, it’s Eden), and said, “So, Eve…you were told not to eat the fruit from this tree, right?” And Eve said, “Right, ‘snake’ – we get whatever we want EXCEPT this tree’s stuff.”

The snake rose up on his (I dunno, ass? tail? fuck it) back end, and said “But Eve, if this tree is the Tree Of Knowledge, eating its fruit will make you smart. You can totally make Adam your bitch!” Eve thought about this. And thought some more. And still, continued to think. Eve was kinda dumb, truth be told. But she was smart enough to realize she wanted to be not-as-dumb. “That’s right, snake. Wait…I’m gonna call you ‘Satan’ since you totally sat in some cow poop.” The snake replied, “That’s not how you spell ‘Sat In’ you dumb skank, but I’ll overlook it if you just eat some damn fruit!” Eve then gazed upon the fruit, which was apples, or grapes, or figs, or pomegranates, or wheat, or mushrooms, depending upon which religious “scholar” you believe, and said, “You’re right, Satansnake, I’m eating this!”

Eve pulled a fruit-thing off a branch, and took a bite, and was instantly transported to Flavortown (metaphorically, of course). Suddenly, she knew…stuff. Lots of stuff. And she realized Adam was a yutz. Damn, that yutz (Tree Of Knowledge included Yiddish) was totally taking advantage of her! But if she let Adam in on the secret, he would understand what a dick he was, and the balance of power would be restored. (Chick logic – am I right?) “Adam – get your hot naked ass over here and eat this fruit thing or whatever!” Adam unplugged from the sheep and wandered towards the Tree. “But Eve, we were told not to eat this…fruit or whatever it is.” Eve sighed and said, “You’re a pussy.” At this, Adam realized he HAD to try the fruit, so he did.

Suddenly, Adam had all the knowledge Eve had acquired, only he processed it rationally instead of emotionally. “Eve…what have we done??? I mean, we’re NAKED, and it’s cold!” Eve smirked and raised her palms up and said “Uh, talk to the HANDS, bitch!” She then looked to the ground for a high-not-five, but the snake had fled. Adam had started running (remember, he was kind of a pussy), but God stopped him in his tracks and bellowed, “WHAT INGRATES YOU ARE! GET OUT OF MY GARDEN AND FEEL SHAME AND WORK FOR A LIVING!”

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Seven thousand years later, the National Football League does not want us to know too much about concussions.