Hulkamania Meets Miami: Your 2025 Miami Dolphins Preview, Brother!

Hello, all my Hulkamaniacs!

The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, jack! Once those police body cams get released to Brooke, all the Hulkamaniacs are gonna see the truth, dude.

Now, as THE Florida Man, I’ve been called upon to talk about my favorite team, the Miami Dolphins, brother. This team takes me way back. Back when I was running wild in-between the WWF and WCW, Don Shula himself came up to the Hulkster and said, “Hulk, we need you to strap on the pads and be the next great Dolphins running back.”

But I looked Don right in the eyes and I said, “Don, I’m honored, dude. But I already gave my word to Ted Turner to keep wrestling alive, and I’ve got this grill deal heating up, brother. George Foreman’s in the mix too, but we all know the Hulkster was born to sell it, jack!”

Now, Hulkamaniacs, let’s take a look at the Dolphins’ offense, brother!

Offensive Line

Before last season, Dolphins GM Mike Grier said he wasn’t worried about the offensive line, brother. That had me and all the Dolphinmaniacs ready to riot like it was January 6th, dude. The O-line was so bad, short passing plays had to substitute for the run game because the run game had become more limp than little Billy, the Make-A-Wish kid I personally invited to see me at SummerSlam ‘92, who passed away backstage while I was making my way down the aisle. As soon as I saw his empty seat, I knew he was gone, brother.

This offseason, Grier tried to fix things by bringing in Larry Borom from the Bears. But let me tell you something, dude, the Bears had the worst line in football last year. Borom had to step in when Austin Jackson went down, and that is bad news, brother. This line is still so shaky that fans are hoping Liam Eichenberg comes back from injury, even though he has been the weakest link on the Dolphins line for four straight years..

Now, Patrick Paul is starting to show signs of improvement, and he is a monster, brother. He is the size of Andre the Giant, 7’4 and 600 pounds, just like when I slammed him at WrestleMania III, jack. Just like I tore every muscle in my back lifting the big man, defensive linemen are going to feel the pain trying to get past Patrick Paul.

Aside from Paul, James Daniels signed on, and Johan Savaiinaea has to prove he is worth that second round pick, brother. But this team does not have the depth to handle a 17 game season and keep Tua standing tall, dude. And unlike me, the man who rewrote the scripts of Mr. Nanny, Santa With Muscles, and No Holds Barred, I do not think this O-line can rewrite the script that says they are bad, jack.

Quarterback

At quarterback, the Dolphins are led by Tua Tagovailoa. Despite being Samoan, Tua is one of the good ones because he says his prayers and takes his vitamins like a true Hulkamaniac, dude. That is why he is 38-24 as a starter.

One time when I was at Mar-a-Lago promising President Trump I would serve in his cabinet, I saw Tua. I said to him, “Brother, just like me and Jimmy Hart loved being booed at the Raw Netflix premiere, you need to embrace being the villain and do what’s best for your business, dude!” Tua smirked and agreed, brother. I gave him words of praise, just like Elvis Presley gave me back in my Memphis wrestling days. Then we bowed our heads and prayed while he cried, calling me Mr. President. That memory makes my heart smile, brother.

Running back

At running back, the Dolphins are already battered, brother. De’Von Achane and Jaylen Wright are hurt, and Alexander Mattison is stuck on the IR, jack. That leaves the door wide open for sixth-round pick Ollie Gordon II to grab the brass ring, brother.

I really like this kid because he is one tough dude. He reminds me of myself when I used to beat up Pride Fighters over in Japan back in the 70s, brother. He runs with so much aggression that defensive players are going to be scared to tackle him, just like Mike Tyson was afraid to step in the ring with me in 1993 when I was about to sign with the UFC, daddy.

Receivers

You know something, my Hulkamaniacs? I’ve been bothered by all the grief I’ve been getting for calling Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Eddie Guerrero the Vanilla Midgets, brother. But think about this for a moment. Chris Benoit was a woman and child killer, dude. Dean Malenko accomplished nothing and is infamous for being a WWE agent who doesn’t help the talent. Perry Saturn was a homeless meth addict who tried to sue the WWE for CTE, which isn’t even real, brother. And Eddie Guerrero? He died after he killed SmackDown’s ratings. So I WAS RIGHT, HULKAMANIACS!

Now Miami’s receiving corps are the new Vanilla Midgets, brother. But I can’t call them vanilla this time, so we’re gonna call them the Black Licorice Midgets, dude! Tyreek Hill, Jaylen Waddle, Malik Washington, and Tajh Washington are all 5’10” and shorter, brother. And that’s not gonna work at the NFL level, jack.

Speaking of Ty Hill, that’s one guy I wouldn’t want dating my daughter, brother. Early in the offseason, his agent said Hill had a wrist injury that wrecked his play last season, and it may never fully recover, dude. Hill skipped training camp but says he’ll be ready for Week 1. He’s still got the speed, but his hands are going, Hulkamaniacs. Plus, Ty Hill has been uppity and a problem for Tua. Their relationship has gotten so icy that I say put them in a good old-fashioned Yapapi Indian Strap Match, brother! Unlike when Vince shot me down when I wanted to turn heel against the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania VI, Ty Hill has already gone full heel this offseason, teasing all the Dolphinmaniacs about leaving Miami and quitting on the team. I can’t wait for Tua to grab that strap and LAY IT ON HILL MANY TIMES, BROTHER!

Now let’s talk tight ends, dude. Darren Waller put his rap career on pause to come back to the NFL as Miami’s TE1. But he has only taken about ten snaps all camp and left practice on September 3 with a hip injury, brother. As I told Arsenio Hall, I only took steroids when I was hurt, dude. Waller needs to do the same so he can train harder and get back in action. Otherwise, he might lose his spot to… well, I’d say Julian Hill, but I think he’s hurt too, brother. That leaves Tanner Conner as the tentative TE1. But it’s not gonna matter, Hulkamaniacs, because this is a major weakness for the Dolphins, jack!

Defense

On defense, the Dolphins have an incredibly strong edge, defensive tackle, and linebacker corps, brother. These guys are gonna do the kind of damage I did to Tatsumi Fujinami when he tried to shoot on me and steal the WWF Championship in a double cross, dude! If you need points for sacks in fantasy football, I recommend keeping an eye on Zach Sieler or Chop Robinson, brother.

As for the defensive backs, they’re already more banged up than I was when The Undertaker dropped me on my head with a tombstone piledriver, jack. Expect them to lead the NFL in DPI, defensive holding, and illegal contact, brother. Opponents shouldn’t even bother running the ball because these backs will have trouble getting off the field, and the offense is gonna need to average 30 points just to win, dude!

Special Teams

Normally, the Dolphins on special teams are pretty clutch with Jason Sanders, Hulkamanaics. However, he’s on the IR, brother. Like Harley Race showing up at a wrestling arena with a gun, setting the ring on fire, and asking me for a job, Riley Patterson did the same thing, dude. I wouldn’t count on the Dolphins’ special teams to help you gamblers out with points, brother.

Prediction: 

Even if there weren’t any unions, and the Dolphins could fly back and forth to Japan and work 400 days a year like I did, this team isn’t good, brother. In typical Dolphins fashion, they made changes to marginally improve, but it’s not enough to make a real difference and get to the playoffs, dude. Once they finish 9-8, everyone from Grier down is gonna get fired, and another rebuild will happen, brother. So strap in, grab your vitamins, say your prayers, and get ready for a season of chaos and carnage, brother! The Dolphins are in the ring, and they’re ready to slam, dude! I only have one question left for you.

Whatcha gonna do when the Miami Dolphins run wild on you, my Hulkamaniacs?!