The Bad Guys Girls – A Colts 2025 Team Preview

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say about the Indianapolis Colts team. It’s that there is nothing to be said about the Indianapolis Colts team.

2025 Indianapolis Colts Season Preview: A Mirthful and Moderately Informed Look
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and Colts fans who have been nervously checking their blood pressure for the last few years, welcome to the 2025 season! The Indianapolis Colts are back, and this year, things are… well, they’re a lot like they were last year, but with a different quarterback, so that’s something, right?

The Quarterback Carousel (Now with Fewer Broken Bones!)

The biggest story, as always, is under center. We all remember the Anthony Richardson era—a beautiful, fleeting, and highly concussive experiment. It was like a fireworks show where every explosion happened directly in the passer’s helmet. So, in a move that signals a bold new direction for the franchise (or just an abject panic), the Colts have handed the keys to the offense to a man who, if he were a car, would be a reliable, slightly used minivan with a persistent check engine light. That’s right, it’s Daniel Jones!

Jones won the job in a thrilling preseason QB competition that, according to sources, was “so close it was actually a little concerning.” He beat out Richardson, who is now reportedly a designated short-yardage running back, and rookie Riley Leonard, who is currently being fitted for the team’s “Break Glass in Case of Emergency” QB jersey. Jones’s mission: to finally get the ball into the hands of Jonathan Taylor and Michael Pittman Jr. without an audible “oh no” from the entire stadium.

The Offense: A Smorgasbord of Talent and Anxiety

Aside from the QB situation, this Colts offense is loaded. Jonathan Taylor is still a beast, capable of carrying the team on his back, a task he’s become very familiar with over the years. Michael Pittman Jr. is the reliable, go-to guy, and Alec Pierce is back after leading the league in yards per catch last season (a statistic we’re pretty sure was a fluke, but hey, we’ll take it). The big question is whether they can function with a quarterback who is, shall we say, a “game manager.” The hope is that Jones is less of a “game manager” and more of a “game director,” but if we’re being honest, he’s probably just a “guy who manages to get through the game.”

The Defense: New Year, New Hope, Same Old Questions

The defense was, to put it kindly, a bit of a dumpster fire last year. They were so bad that DeForest Buckner reportedly called them the “worst unit he’s ever played on.” Ouch. So, the Colts went out and got a new defensive coordinator, Lou Anarumo, and a bunch of new players, including a couple of free-agent secondary guys. The thinking is that if you can’t stop the pass, just buy a whole new secondary and hope for the best. It’s the NFL equivalent of buying a new car when your old one just needs an oil change. It probably won’t fix the underlying problems, but at least it looks shiny in the driveway.

Prediction Time!

Here’s the fun part. The Colts are in a division that is, charitably, described as a “winnable mess.” The Texans are still a problem, the Jaguars are still the Jaguars, and the Titans are… well, they’re still the Titans. The Colts are going to have a brutal schedule, including a trip to Berlin for an international game against the Falcons, which is sure to be a wild, jet-lagged, “who-is-even-playing-right-now” affair.

So, what’s the final record? Based on our highly scientific and totally not-made-up-in-the-last-five-minutes analysis, the Colts will finish the season with a record of 8-9. They’ll lose a few games they should win, win a few they should lose, and ultimately end up in that glorious “not bad enough for a great draft pick, not good enough for the playoffs” purgatory that Colts fans have come to know and love.

The season will be a rollercoaster of emotions, filled with moments of brilliance from Jonathan Taylor, inexplicable throws from Daniel Jones, and a defense that alternates between lockdown and “lockdown… the gates of hell because we can’t stop anyone.” But hey, at least it won’t be boring. Go Colts! Or don’t. We don’t judge.

But this year’s REAL storyline — CBS presents three middle-aged Indiana sisters working together — and having a lot of laughs along the way — as they try to return their father’s football team to Super Bowl brilliance? My goodness — how did Lifetime pass on this? Sign me up for 18 weeks of Trump-like coverage of the three pieces of ass handling the Indianapolis Colts.

First, there’s Cutie Carlie. This one is the leader. She’s 44, hyphenates her last-name, wears headsets at the games (always a good sign), and has a vision for this franchise. I can’t imagine it includes anyone currently employed at 500 S Capitol Drive.

Second is Cutie Casey. She’s the fun one. Got a sports marketing degree from IU Bloomington, married an Indycar driver, and is a, you know, a respected American businesswoman and executive. That’s how she earned the opportunity as starter for the 2025 Indy500. She’ll mainly stay out of Carlie’s way but her stable of Indiana’s most hilarious and colorful characters may enter our story via the inviting ways of Casey.

Finally, Cute Kalen is the youngest of the these three little phillys. Same deal — IU Bloomington for marketing then straight to the franchise (not to criticize). She mainly handles the philanthropic efforts and oversees the Colts’ Kicking the Stigma Mental Health Awareness campaign. She also gets to participate in My Cause, My Cleats because….why not?

Kalen is a well-meaning woman but but it will be the antics that make her the literal cover child pf Indiana’s Zionsville Monthly that will give Carlie fits in her quest to build this team back into something she can be proud to call The Shoe.

So stay tuned. I can’t even think of all the ways these three sisters running a $5.9 billion dollar entertainment organization can go hilariously wrong…or right…on 2025’s hottest new reality show: Girl Bosses.