Congratulations to the Seahawks for denying the Taaaawwwwmy crowd the climax they craved. Your service to America- nay, The World- will not be forgotten.

Now please go to hell.

NEWS:

-CrimeBeat! Returns, with a special investigation into whether electromagnetic waves from the Santa Clara power substation cause gunshot wounds.

Niners defensive lineman Keion White was found with a bullet mysteriously lodged in his ankle at 4 a.m. after the Super Bowl. Why not just say he was shot? Because White ain’t talkin’ to nobody about nothin’.

Artist’s Rendering

Now, according to a witness statement given to police, White was having a “private party” with a bunch of strippers when rapper Lil Baby and some associates tried to interrupt and Beef Ensued. Said witness was conveniently away reporting the confrontation when two shots rang out. White was then found with the additional hole.

First thought: “Who shoots a guy in the ankle? This sounds like a Plaxico Special where White’s gun slipped in his waistband”

Second thought: “Well, the other guy is named ‘Lil Baby’- of course a baby would shoot low”

Third thought: “Two shell casings of different calibers. One guy shoots into the ceiling as a warning, the other fires into the floor and it ricochets?”

Fourth thought: “Why would White refuse to identify the shooter though?”

Fifth thought: “Aqib Talib made up a whole big story about getting shot at a strip club to avoid admitting he shot himself.”

Sixth thought: “Yeah, but maybe he’s embarrassed about getting shot by a baby?”

Seventh thought: “Mr. Burns copped to it without hesitation.”

Eighth thought: “I miss golden age Simpsons”

Fin.

SITE HEALTH NOTE: Thank you all for your patience as we get these outages sorted. As we speak, a team of our finest neuronauts are jacked into their terminals, hooked into IVs of ayahuasca and the Spice Melange in order to better commune with the Machine Elves and figure out what borked the 3/8ths gripley.