Still in Preseason Sunday Open Etc. Etc.

We’re a couple of Wednesdays away from the start of the season, praise Gamblor, but every day is precious for Fantasy Football preparations. It’s now or never to decide whether to get creative with a FF name (bestiality), or stick to the basics (pedophilia). As to whoMm to draft, I think Christian McCaffrey is a 2^nd Round steal, if your league runs on 2023 stats.

NFL NEWS

-49ers take TE George Kittle (torn right Achilles) off the PUP list, ready for practice.

NFL KOMMENTARY

-After yet another terrible outing in uniform, DeShaun Watson complained that CLE home fans are booing him for personal stuff, instead of terrible play, and it’s disrespectful. Speaking for everybody,

In 2020, the Texans finished 4-12 but Watson had an incredible FF season. Early in the 2021 offseason, Watson got into a beef with his Imaginary employers. The rest is history: CLE gave the richest contract at the time, which also the first fully-guaranteed NFL contract. Oh man, a lot of billionaires lost their shit about it way back when. There even was a collusion case involving Lamar! And Kyler Murray.

This is the last year of Watson’s contract (cap stuff is here). The Browns have already paid about $180 million for Watson already, during which time Watson’s been at his best exempted, suspended, or hidden / rehabilitating from physical injury.

If you’re paying an underperforming contractor a shitload of money, and it’s not an in-law or other extortionist, you fire the bastard and swallow the cost. The Factory, quel surprise, does not abide.

Watson is not underperforming: he’s straight poison. Plus, Watson last showed NFL skills six years ago, back when people power-washed and disinfected their groceries before taking them to the kitchen. The Browns are never ever ever getting their money’s worth with Watson. Nobody loves him and he’s sulking about it, so there’s no motivation for the QB to actually compete.

Taking a wider view,

/tales out retroscopio

Watson was awesome and a young DeAndre Hopkins catching absolutely everything near him was a big part of part of the QB’s success. Net opinion: the CLE years showed us a physically rehabilitated Watson twice over, plus very little wear-and-tear on a then-top QB in his prime. Taking stock of his prime, in Houston, I’m compelled to remind everybody that Nuk Hopkins was incredible. It would be an injustice if NFL fandom forgot about it.

/caresses “Te Lo Dije” decal in nitrous canister, returns retroscopio to narcotics drawer

Tl dr, CLE should cut Watson, make him concentrate full time on pariahship. That particular chapter of sadness can be closed swiftly.

-J.J. McCarthy – Per the House Organ, “McCarthy had an erratic start” in the Vikings’ 3-13 preseason get together with the Ravens.  Last season I was sympathetic towards McCarthy’s minor looks and his panic-scrambling like a disoriented chipmunk. Being a QB unfit for duty in the Vikings locker room must be rough. Having Brian Flores as your team’s DC is a soap-inside-pillowcases gang beating in-waiting. No offence; I respect Flores, mostly out of fear.

Where was I? Ah yes. J.J. McCarthy, a Sharper Image Jimmy Clausen, might be an automaton. Instead of going “learn from my mistakes” after his poor showing at the Ratbirds exhibition, McCarthy said: “It’s great to have that experience logged in and that data logged in to be able to make that throw next time.”

Not a good look, but at least it wasn’t the “resilience and growth” LinkedIn claptrap. Interestingly, Carson Wentz can get the Vikes backup QB job. That is, unless there’s a McCarthy login in.

Had to force that inside joke somehow—k?

SPROTS TO MIGHT

Well lookee here:

Seahawks @ Titans – 7 Central (FOX)

These teams had joint practices during the week. There were fights and complaints about TEN players being waaay more serious than the C-Hox. Truth be told tho, I got that from two nothingburger tweets I saw during the workweek.

But there is a narrative, there is a narrative… It’s about TEN’s 2025 #1 pick Cam Ward having bad practices and outings. The talk is that Ward seems all bust-y and everything, if you will, and not in a homina homina way.

I like the preseason as a palliative for the slower passage of time, which gets sludgier as it nears the weekend before NFL kickoff (source: string theory physics). Preseason stats are solely to prop shit talking and flogging ded horses, duh.

August is a month for devoting resources to resolve actual problems—e.g., if it’s worth screwing a laptop for streaming a preseason game. That, I’m afraid, is what already infected laptops are for

All images via giphy.com