![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
“Wow! How did this happen?
This will be the greatest day ever. Mom and Dad are in Las Vegas and the older brothers left me by myself to go to Walker’s Pass to play in the snow. I can do anything I want! I can watch whatever I want on TV!
Oh! And thanks for watching me Grandmommie!”
Grandmommie: [with a look of heavy resignation] “You bet, Kiddo. This will be swell.” [rolls eyes]
“Maybe ‘Seymour’ is on later tonight.
Let’s see what’s on TV.
“WOW! Son of Godzilla is on! That’s my favorite movie ever!
Watch this part!
Hey Grandmommie! Did you know that the Apollo 15 Astronauts are going to drive a space car on the moon? They are!”
Grandmommie: [looks bored] “Hey kid, are there any cute girls at your school?”
YR: “Cute? Ick! All the girls are yucky”
GM: “Your goddamn father.”
YR: “Look Grandmommie! Get Smart is coming on!
GM: “You don’t really want me here do you?”
YR: “No. It’s fine. I’m happy you’re here.”
GM: “You can’t lie worth a shit can you? Know what? Grandmommie is going to go to the Officers Club to see some of her friends.”
YR: “Really?”
/GM writes down phone number for Officers club on a piece of paper and puts it under a refrigerator magnet
GM: “Yeah really. You’re pretty smart for your age. I always knew you weren’t like your brothers. If you have any problems call the ‘O’ club and ask for Gladys. They all know me there.”
YR: “I will Grandmommie! And I’ll be OK. I swear!”
GM: “You got something for dinner? Your mom says you know how to cook already.”
YR: “Ma is right. I help her cook all the time. I’m gonna be OK.”
GM: “Just don’t burn the goddamn house down alright?”
YR: “I won’t. I cook really good. Love you Grandmommie!”
GM: “Love you too you little shitass.”
GM kisses YR on top of the head and walks out mumbling “Jesus Christ if I have to watch one more fucking monster movie…”
YR waits until GM gets in her Oldsmobile and drives off
“YES!!!!”
“I know exactly what I’m having too.
Oh yeah!
And hot dogs!
Nathan’s are the BEST.”
[Yes, today we will be making crescent dogs just like I used to love when I was a dipshit little kid. It’s not like you need a formal recipe or anything. Just follow the pictures. For experimentation sake I used 3 different types of cheese. Sharp cheddar, provolone and habanero jack. Wild guess as to which was the favorite? The provolone! It had the perfect melt and it’s subtlety allowed the salt and smoke of the Nathan’s dog to shine through. Some day I’ll give these a go with homemade dough because they’re still pretty damn good and that Pillsbury shit is exactly that. Shit. I still had fun fucking around with these since it’s the first time I’ve had these in at least 20 years.]
“A baking pan. We need a baking pan and stuff!
{editor’s note: there was no way in Hell Ma had or would have used parchment paper here. But her memory ain’t the one washing the goddamn dishes}
“I can eat my crescent dogs with these! Far out!
I think I’m supposed to roll out the dough now.
That’s right! They’re triangles.
I remember this next part. You have to cut down the middle of the hot dog and put in the cheese. Ma won’t mind if I use her sharp knife.
Then you stuff ’em up with as much cheese as you can!
Ma said you have to put the hot dog on the dough, just right. Or else it doesn’t roll up right and you lose your cheese.
I don’t want to lose my cheese!
Got to do this next part just right.
Then you just roll them up like they’re in a blanket!
Then they go in the oven until you can smell ’em! Or about 13-15 minutes I think.
Those are BOSS!
I’m gonna eat all of them! With as many Pringles as I can!
[approximately 4 minutes later]
“Those are great!
Let’s play with Major Matt Mason now.
“I am Major Matt Mason! Astronaut! And the first man on Jupiter! Here is my good friend, Callisto!”
“He’s my best friend.”
“We are not best friends Major Matt Mason. You invaded my planet and now you must die!”
“I’m going to punch you for that, Callisto!”
“Not if I give you a karate kick to the head first, Major Matt Mason!”
“You idiot! Don’t kick me in the head. URRRAGGHH! Right to YOUR head you goofball!”
“How dare you! Here is my flying monkey kick of death!”
/rips off helmet
“I will destroy you for that you creep!
DIE!”
“AARRRGGHHH! You’ve killed me. Why?”
“You’re still my friend Major Matt Mason. Why did you choke me?”
“Oh man! I better check the mail and see if my Snorkeldorf T-shirt has arrived. I ordered it months ago!”
“Nope nothing in the mailbox. Now I’m hungry again. I think there are still a few crescent dogs left.”
[Four hours and 3 monster movies later the brothers arrive home with all of the noise, clatter and insanity that one would expect]
“Man that was so boss”
“The snow was bitchin’ man”
“You Better not tell Mom or you’re gonna get it”
“Hey I’m hungry! Did you eat anything?
YR: “I think there’s some white bread and bologna in there. There might be a few Pringles too.”
“Yeah. OK. So what did you do all day?”
YR: “Nothin’. Just watched some movies.”
The End.
For the curious who are wondering if I ever received my t-shirt?
I wore the shit out of that shirt for at least 5 years.
See you all next week.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.