CrimeBeat! Billionaires Behaving Badly: Tuesday Open Thread

Ok, let’s start with a moment of silence for a Good Rich Person: Dolly Parton.

Seriously. By all accounts, she lived her life her own way, was unfailingly kind, and used her considerable wealth to help people with free books and reading programs, instead of trying to live forever or digitize her brain or whatever.

John Edward “Jed” York, c’mon dowwwwwn!

If you were too busy fuming about the Browns naming Deshaun Watson an NFL starting quarterback, you may have missed the most hilarious off-season story in some time: Jed York, majority owner of the San Francisco 49ers, was arrested in a trailer park in East Palestine, Ohio as part of a prostitution sting.

Apparently Mr. York, who grew up in nearby Youngstown, was so incredibly horny that he hit up an ad for an online hooker. That ad was a sting, and he was arrested. Sure, haha, but it doesn’t get REALLY good until you get into the details:

-Dude inquired three times. THREE TIMES. Like, the same ad, after he didn’t get a response the first two times.

-He took the “precaution” of using an alias: Joe. You can actually reconstruct his thought process here:

FBI AGENT ONLINE: What’s your name, sweetie?

JED: Jed.

JED’S FUNCTIONAL BRAINCELL: No, you should use a pseudonym for illegal activity.

JED: Good point. What’s the normal one for prostitution? John! Yes, my name is John, and I would like to exchange money for sex.

JFB: John is your actual name, dumbfuck.

JED’S TESTICLES: HURRY HURRY HURRY C’MON LET’S GO

JED: Uhhhhh…Joe!

JFB: Fuck it, you all deserve each other- I’m out.

-Jed was carrying $160 in cash to this appointed rendevous. Jed Fucking York, majority owner of an NFL franchise valued north of $10 billion, and his idea of a good time was to go to a goddamned TRAILER PARK in a town previously only known for TOXIC RAILROAD SPILLS (insert your own joke here) and fuck some chick who’ll sell her most intimate orifices for the cost of a tomahawk ribeye at St. Elmo’s Steakhouse at the NFL Combine. THAT WAS THE BEST OUTCOME OF HIS NIGHT.

-York was charged with Solicitation of Prostitution, which he later pled down to misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct. He was also charged with Possession of Criminal Tools, to which he pled guilty. I can only assume the “criminal tool” in question was his penis.

The ghost of Jim Irsay is looking down (up?) at this shit and going “That’s just fucking reckless and irresponsible.”

Your stake in the 49ers alone is worth somewhere between $5 and $10 billion, Jed. Where is your bodyguard here? Where is your handler, who redirects your toddler-level mentality toward less self-destructive ideas? Hell, your family is so mobbed up that the Bosas call you for Favors, and one of the core businesses of La Cosa Nostra is PROSTITUTION. To a mathematical near certainty, Jed, you Know a Guy who could have provided you with enough discrete carnal companionship to satisfy Babe Ruth in his prime. To call this an “unforced error” is an understatement of epic proportions.

That said, there’s undeniably something about the cheap and tawdry that attracts the NFL Billionaire. You’ll recall Bob Kraft was popped (no pun intended) for DeflateGate II at this high-class establishment:

And I would say the same impulse shows itself in Mark Davis’ devotion to P.F. Chang’s and Great Clips.

So listen: Jerry Jones is a miserable piece of shit who has had a measurable net negative effect on this league, which is really impressive given the other fuckheads involved. HOWEVER: by all indications, he seems to confine himself to traditional Powerful White Guy trysts: front office employees, airline staff, and a reasonably high class of stripper:

All I’m saying is that even Jerral Fucking Jones knows to ethically source his sex workers. Do better, billionaire failson.

ETA: Currently debating whether my FF team is going to be “Jed York’s Criminal Tool” or “Jerry Jones’ Ethically-Sourced Hoes”