Wait: When Is Mothers’ Day? Whew! – Offseason Sunday Open Thread  

The draft is over, it’s a new month, and there’s still time to get my mother something. Praise Gamblor.

The stress is real, because down here in PR Mothers’ Day is, not-really quietly, the holiest of days. If you take your mother to lunch, it can’t be hurried. If you go to visit and are caught looking at the clock, the penance is standard: you have to listen to two full anecdotes you’ve heard a thousand times, without interruption, and then acknowledge: “You dominate over all human affairs expertly. And your hair [chefs kiss]”.

The bad news is she’s your mother, the only person who can see right through you. So it’s a test of temperament and skill, sure. But as I’ve advised before: sometimes you have to put all your faith in narcotics.

NFL NEWS

Tonight’s items are from espen and espen deportes, which do not have the same mews. I’ll alternate between both:

-Bills will spend 1.540 million USD in a new stadium. The item calls the current stadium vetusto—what a word. Spanish is the best. But this period / comma thing in figures is unnerving. And for me it’s more confusing than the lemon / lime thing. Of the two, I pick the green. Which I guarantee you is the other one in Spanish.

-The Clots release Nick Foles.

-The Giants sign DT Dexter Lawrence for “four” years and “90” million USD. Only Messrs. Donald and Simmons are paid higher at the position.

-Two Qaron adjacent fodder: HC Saleh says a wish list for his new QB was a narrative, rookie Packers QB Sean Clifford gets QA’s locker.

-Jets sign Randall Cobb. That’s the 6th Ex-Packer signed by the Jest. Full list, by espen deportes:

WR Randall Cobb

WR Allen Lazard

QB Tim Boyle

OT Billy Turner

OC / Butler Nathaniel Hackett

QB QAron

 

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central

Stanley Cup Playoffs

Tirana (0-2) @ Florida – 5:30

I understand most of Canadá hates the Leafs, or as they are known during the playoffs, the Leaves. But, being a sucker for equal time,

 

Dallas (1-1) @ Kraken – 8:30

Via hfboards.com / postimages

I think we do.

 

Grandes Ligas

Doyers (Urías) @ Padres (Musgrove) – 6:00

 

NBA: Now Topical!

Nuggets (2-1) @ Suns – 7:00

 

Top Flight Fútbol

ARGENTINA

Estudiantes de la Plata hosts Vélez Sarsfield – 7:00

Tigre hosts Newells’ Old Boys – 7:00

 

HONDURAS

Real España hosts UPNFM – 7:00

Since last July, Real Cabrones (HON) has been undefeated in five matches against University Wolves.

Via wiki P / postimages

But it’s a whelming three draws and two wins for Real España, which reflects the overall grip of the Spanish monarchy over their ultramar territories by Century 19. The Nerd Lupi need to go all Filipino on the Reals.

 

COLOMBIA

A Bogotá derbi:

Millonarios hosts Independiente Santa Fe – 6:20

Millonarios is Colombia’s [spits on floor] Real Madrid. Santa Fe’s logo is high design:

Via Wiki P / postimages

Rooting for the Navels in this one.

Deportivo Pasto Wooooo! hosts Jaguares de Córdoba – 8:30

I had to fact check: Deportivo Pasto is from the city of San Juan de Pasto, and not actually affiliated with the sticky icky. I figured as much. Good weed turns you away from doing sports. And for most of Century 21, I lived near a Barrio Pasto. Alas, Toponymy is both muse and liar.

URUGUAY

Montevideo City Torque hosts River Pilates – 6:30

 

PARAGUAY

Guaireña hosts Olimpia – 6:30

Guaireña Fútbol Club is from Guairá Department—“Dept” meaning province, state, or prefecture. “Departamento” also happens to mean “apartment” in some Hispanic countries, “office” in others, and even “department” on a couple. But in all these countries, Este no es tu departamento is a nice “Fuck off”.

Anyway, Guaireña Fútbol Club was founded in—LOOK OUT

Via Wiki P / postimages

Talons out! [winces]. Meteoric rise through the Paraguayan fútbol pyramid by the Storming Pigeons. They’re peacefully wallowing in the relegation zone. Maybe punching above their weight but, in general, pissed off boids are delightful team mascots.

 

PERÚ

César Vallejo hosts Sport Boys – 5:30

Ok. César Vallejo is Perú’s most famous writer. A dark, bleak genius of early Century 20 that got impenetrable in his mid-career and therefore sequestered to the “No Way” part of the reading list for a degree I was pursuing. But, woah. Here’s a decent translation of  “The Black Heralds”:

There are blows in life, so harsh… I don’t know!

Blows like God’s wrath; like before them,

the backwash of all that has been suffered

was embedded in the soul… I don’t know!

 They are few; but they are… They open dark trenches

In the wildest face and in the strongest back.

Perhaps, they will be the colts of barbaric Atilas;

or the black heralds that Death sends our way.

 They are the deep falls of the Christs of the soul,

of some adorable faith that Destiny blasphemes.

Those bloody blows are the crepitations

of some bread that gets burned on the doors of our oven.

 And man… Poor… poor! He turns his eyes, like

when someone taps us on the shoulder;

he turns his crazy eyes, and all that has been lived

gets embedded, like a puddle of guilt, in his gaze.

 There are blows in life, so harsh… I don’t know!

 

Bonus: This might be the Jets’ season review if they start 1-7. Oop! Another game:

 

Alianza Lima hosts Carlos A. Minucci – 8:00

Carlos A. Manucci did squat shit in the international literary scene.

 

ECUADOR

Barcelona SC hosts Aucas – 6:00

 

BOLIVIA

Oriente Petrolero hosts Blooming – 7:00

Ahhh, after too long an absence, a petrolero returns to the bright Sunday lights. Los Petroleros are in safe-ish mid low table, Blooming is at the bottom.

 

VENEZUELA

Academia Puerto Cabello hosts Caracas FC – 7:30

Academia Puerto Cabello is NOT a beauty school. The city is called Puerto Cabello and the team is at the top of the Venezuelan table. The Academia’s home ground is the Complejo Deportivo Socialista de Carabobo, which if you translate in English, gets a “Yeah, no shit” snort from the NSA fella on the other side of your device.

 

FINALLY,

The NFL will release the 2023 schedule on May 11. That is this next Thursday, and I expect games being leaked during the week. I believe that the stars will align with the generalized worship for billionaires and the TNF slate will come out to be better than MNF. I mean the games themselves, not the pairings. There will be plenty of Bears, Giants, Jets, Non-Gendereds, Stillers, and Rams in prime time. I don’t think all will suck terribly this year, so

.

By this time last year, I wanted every AFC West game in Prime Time. That did not turn out too good. Yes, Justin Herbert got injured in that early TNF (and somehow kept in the game). Not good. The Donks [INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK]. And the Josh McDaniel Raiders gave the Chiefs a great game but lost to the Jeff Saturday Colts in the Reneging Bowl. Nobody knows how it will turn out.

Incidentally, that win was the only by the Clots under Saturday. The lowlight was the worst comeback loss in NFL history. The Clots led 33-0 at halftime and lost 39-36 to the Ca Ra Zeee 2022 Minnesota Vikings. I wouldn’t mind seeing Justin Jefferson a lot on prime time, even at the expense of Kirk Cousins.

So yeah, I think 2023 is the year that the TNF games turn out to be better than the MNFs. It is now up to Computer God to slate a TEN @ JAX Assico for a Thursday.

All gifs via giphy.com

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Fronkenshteen

Quick reminder: Due to the coronation bank holiday, there’s a premier league triple header tomorrow!

Fulham vs Lester @ 10:00 (eastern)
Brighton vs Everton @ 12:30
Forest vs Southampton @ 3:00

All games on the USA network. Relegation implications aplenty! There will be halitosis!
(Posted by Ryan Reynolds)

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Last edited 1 year ago by Fronkenshteen
Dunstan

I just want to say,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU LEAFS

Going to have to start searching Amazon for “Florida Panthers bandanna”

Gumbygirl

How much is that new Bill’s stadium in American dollars? And, more importantly, are they building it in Buffalo or somewhere in the hat?

Gumbygirl

And for Hippo, Horatio, and errybody who has the Sunday Scaries, Kermit feels your pain

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Sharkbait

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2Pack

I am fixin to find out here in an hour. Close your eyes and open Outlook…

WCS

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Ayo’s going to see a good ol’ hawkey brawl tonight.

Mr. Ayo

I was robbed! Maybe Tuesday.

Sharkbait

Theres no way Ottenger comes back out for the third right?

Mr. Ayo

He did. And he’s definitely not being serenaded.

Sharkbait

I would expect nothing less. Especially with some of those goals he gave up. Woooooof

Mr. Ayo

I would like to amend my previous statement. He did NAWT come back out for the third. But he was still on the bench and serenaded.

In my defense, their goal was on the other side of the rink and I was delirious with joy and beer and only interested in yelling at the top of my lungs.

WCS

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I’ve been to three iceball playoff matches, and all three were losers.

Mr. Ayo

2-2 now on playoffs. Not to make you more upset, but the first one was an overtime winner. Not sure I’ll ever beat that one.

WCS

Oh, yeah, Mister Sees-Wins-In-Person-In-the-Playoffs, my record for Stillers playoff home wins I’ve attended is…

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2-4? Really? Are we sure tha..we are?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Dr. Mrs. is out of town. I don’t need to take a shower today, right? Especially if I’m going to let the animals sleep on the bed?

yeah right

It’s ok to miss a scrub now and then.

Sharkbait

Will you be doing any vacuuming?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

She asked me to steam the floors, yes.

yeah right

Watching the footy. Swans v Pies.

Good to have the footy.

WCS

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Kraken caught the Ice Persons snoozing.

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
WCS

I get the feeling someone’s running through the Clubhouse with a Kraken towel covering their privates at some point.

WCS

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Ayo just came. What a sequence.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Fast and the Furious folks have outdone themselves once again, in terms of stuffing so many actors into the same movie. Can’t wait to see how much further they can take it.

Vin Diesel
The Rock
John Cena
Jason Momoa
Michelle Rodriguez
Brie Larson
Ludacris
Jim Brown
James Brown
Art Garfunkel
Kevin Costner
Brigitte Nielsen
Smarf
The Brave Little Toaster
Tupperware Full of Cat Litter
Lena Dunham
Dustin Hoffman
Lady Gaga
The Olsen Twins
Woody Harrelson
Taye Diggs
Ryan Philippe
Kevin Bacon
…and the Solid Gold Dancers!

Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
WCS

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And many more!

2Pack

I missed the Solid Gold Dancers, so good to see them back after the hip replacements.

Gumbygirl

Gumby claims he was a fly girl with JLo.

2Pack

Wearing something low cut I hope.

Sharkbait

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LongtimeLionsLoser

They just need Jim J. Bullock and Jackee.

WCS

Found a Canadian funnie:

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WCS

I want to like Patrick Sharp on commentary (excellent name, btw), but I cannot trust anyone associated with the early 2010s Blackhawks at this point.

Sharkbait

Very glad to hear the Ice Giants aren’t going to ask for Quenneville to get reinstated.

WCS

The LEAFENING

King Hippo

Tirana Reacts Reasonablemente

Sharkbait

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A little bit, simply because Florida doesn’t deserve anything nice.

Sharkbait

Accurate.

King Hippo

From the annals of Marc Trestman’s Google archive: Old Boys v. Young Boys

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can Horatio spread out some of those vacation days so none of us have to go back to work tomorrow?

Sharkbait

Subscribe.

King Hippo

I’m thinking of calling in mental breakdown-y. Let’s face it, my firm is just waiting for me to make it official.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m taking the day off and playing golf.

yeah right

Apart from the labor, I love this time of year. Cooking delicious food and drinking delicious wine. Yes Sunday Gravy is work but I get the rewards every single time.

Damn was that good.

Mr. Ayo

Folks, it may be May, but it’s still the season to Release the Kraken.

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Sharkbait

Fuck yeah!

Doktor Zymm

It’s handy to go to the Jets from the Packers as the similar color schemes allow for repurposing of team schwag. I suspect you could even do some arts & crafts to turn a cheesehead hat into a jet with aerodynamic properties that give it a similar chance of crashing and burning as typically accorded to the team

yeah right

Probably not a good idea to make the twin towers out of a cheese head hat but it’s not really TOO SOON!

Sharkbait

You had one job Vichy Whalers. One job.

Horatio Cornblower

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Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
Doktor Zymm

As I was visiting my parents this week we did Mother’s day early. Of course I will still call, because obviously

scotchnaut

Leafs are losing 2-2.

WCS

Panteras own-goal.

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yeah right

I’m broken!

WCS
scotchnaut

“Will they grow up to be radical left wingers or will they be more reasonable people?”

-The New York Times

scotchnaut

You just can’t trust authors with three names!*

*John Dos Passos: “Wait a minute. Did you read my bio of Henry fucking Ford?”

scotchnaut

Edgar Rice Burroughs has something to say.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r0n9Dv6XnY&ab_channel=nailofgilead

Doktor Zymm

But if your second name is Two does it really count?

ballsofsteelandfury

Newell’s needs to schedule a friendly against Switzerland’s top team

WCS

We’re going to have a LEAFENING but this time because the Leafs goaltender just tore every muscle on the left side of his torso.

Doktor Zymm

Ow

scotchnaut

PANTEROS!!!

scotchnaut

Reporter: “Summer McIntosh, you’re one of Canada’s best swimmers of all time. How did you become a Leafs fan?”

S. MacIntosh: “Basically, I was brainwashed by my dad.”

Last edited 1 year ago by scotchnaut
Game Time Decision

Judges also would have accepted brainwashed by TSN and/or CBC

ballsofsteelandfury

Because everything is better in the original language:

Los heraldos negros
Hay golpes en la vida, tan fuertes… ¡Yo no sé!
Golpes como del odio de Dios; como si ante ellos,
la resaca de todo lo sufrido
se empozara en el alma… ¡Yo no sé!

Son pocos; pero son… Abren zanjas oscuras
en el rostro más fiero y en el lomo más fuerte.
Serán tal vez los potros de bárbaros Atilas;
o los heraldos negros que nos manda la Muerte.

Son las caídas hondas de los Cristos del alma
de alguna fe adorable que el Destino blasfema.
Esos golpes sangrientos son las crepitaciones
de algún pan que en la puerta del horno se nos quema.

Y el hombre… Pobre… ¡pobre! Vuelve los ojos, como
cuando por sobre el hombro nos llama una palmada;
vuelve los ojos locos, y todo lo vivido
se empoza, como charco de culpa, en la mirada.

Hay golpes en la vida, tan fuertes… ¡Yo no sé!

ballsofsteelandfury

Translation: he’s been through some shit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Because everything is better in the original language:

“It’s true,” – Stephen Miller, handing you two books, one of which is a German-English dictionary