Your “THANK MERCIFUL HEAVENS!” Thursday Open Thread

NFL News You Can Use:

• The Jets and Ryan Fitzpatrick compromised on a one-year, $12 million deal. FINALLY, the Jets problems are solved.
  • fivethirtyeight.com gave Fitzy’s numbers a value for dollar breakdown and found him to be the best the Jets have had since roughly Ken O’Brien. I’m kinda between sad and hilarious on this one.
• After he emerged from the woods, Mike Zimmer and the Vikings agreed to a contract extension.
  • Terms weren’t announced, but if the Seahawks are willing to keep Pete Carroll through 2019, then ol’ Zim should be guaranteed until at least 2018.
• Jimmy Garappolo is apparently “very excited” about his chance to start the season under center instead of holding a clipboard like other seasons.
  • He’s told his mom, his grandparents, and his girlfriend, who – if he’s following the Brady model – will soon be dumped for whatever Brazilian supermodel he hopes Gisele throws his way after Week 5.
• The Cowboys had 4 of the top-5 player sales rankings during the offseason, according to the NFLPA and in stats compiled by ESPN. Meanwhile, garage sales in Dallas continue to be popular.
• Fresh off the news that the Cowboys are being fined for having multiple players on the suspended list comes news the Steelers are one infraction shy of getting ginger-hammered themselves.
• Today’s notable PUP list additions:
  • Muhammad Wilkerson (Jets)
  • Lorenzo Taliaferro (Ravens)
  • Josh Doctson & Derek Carrier (Redacteds)

Pick your poison – “The Cowboys will be good this season”; or “Why Your Team Sucks” – Dallas edition.

Finally, the powers that be have decided that, after 2016, the College playoff will be played either on New Year’s Day or the Saturday before January 1. That should solve the 40% ratings drop, as long as the games promise to be good. Here’s some free advice – NO FUCKING NOTRE DAME!

Can somebody explain to me how Julian Edelman got in the middle of this?

That’s Ella Rose (not pregnant at that time) on the left and Adriana Lima on the right. If you told me this was Gronk’s problem, I’d believe that. But it appears Little J is following Tommy’s pattern of dumping the one carrying a baby and settling for a Brazilian.

I guess I owe young Jimmy G an apology – he DOES have the right to expect some new tail. It’s the Patriot Way!

Well, tonight’s the night that kicks off the next three months of official campaigning for the November elections. I’m really hoping tonight’s speech builds on the momentum from last night, which was a series of escalating soliloquies aiming for the climax which will be Hillary’s speech. Everyone knows there’s only two ways to go:

1. Nagging grandparent; or
2. Newfound visionary.

At 69, she wants to be the latter; the worry is that the former will overtake it. She doesn’t have Bill or Barack’s gift of the gab, so if she aims for merely cromulent, it will be considered a victory. It’s her election to lose and, gosh darn it, she’s gonna try.

Tonight’s sports:

• MLS: MLS All-Stars vs Arsenal – 8:00 (ESPN)
• CFL: Winnipeg @ Edmonton – 9:00 – (ESPN2)

I don’t know about you, but BC gets a three-day weekend starting the minute I get off work tomorrow and going through Monday.

Hit it Mike Reno!