Welcome to the (Barely Televised) New EPL Season!

As you know, our friends at Foxy Footy hoisted the trophy last season. Without exception, every single media outlet and independent prognosticator (that I have come across, anyway) sees a season of retrenchment at hand. In short…a return to dull normalcy with the heavy hitters dominating at the top.

Sadly…I have to agree. Leicester still have Vardy from their spine, but without the sold (to Chelski) Kante and perhaps without Player of the Year Riyahd Mahrez (who has handed in a transfer request, with Leicester resisting a move this window at least). Midfield was the heart of things for the Foxes, and with the added strain of Champions League games, Top 6 seems more ceiling than floor.

While you will see many predicting a fast return to glory for Chelski, Manure (not going to happen until they have the balls to phase out Wayne Rooney), or – gag – the Redshite of Liverpool, I think legendary gay bar Man City will finally play up to its massive potential under Pep Guardiola, and blow everyone away. If anyone gives them a run for their money, it will be Arsenal, followed by Spurs.

Southampton could have been a sleeper side coming into the season, but had their manager poached by Everton (MY team WOO!!). Everton as a sleeper? NOPE, they have looked like shit in pre-season and have struggled to come together as a unit after a disastrous, listless second half of last season. The Blues’ transfer activity has been slow to come together as well, with Ronald Koeman saying he expects 3-4 new faces in the squad NOT available for week 1. I’m sure that starting XI will feel great about their place in the team and be well-motivated for a tough challenge against Spurs.

You may have noticed that NBC likes to focus its broadcast advertising efforts on the Olympics. So where does that leave Opening Day? CNBC, baby! Go ahead, try to find it. We can wait. Leicester takes on Hull at 7:30 EST, followed by Everton/Spurs at 10. If you have a strong enough stomach, stick with the C for City’s murdering of perpetual relegation battler Sunderland at 12:30.

I’ve had people tell me Bournemouth is a team to watch, and people peg the Cherries for certain relegation. Their first step is against Manure Sunday morning (8:30, NBCSN). That’s right, back to a real network. Probably because of the next fixture, the Shite against the Arseholes (11:00).

Monday Night Footy is also a good matchup, but not QUITE NBCSN good with Olympic commercials to sell. It’s USA network for Chelski and West Ham. Any team that has French superstar Dimitri Payet can’t be counted out for a European place, or even Top 4, and the Hammers do have one of those. Hippo jelly? HIPPO JELLY!!!