Wichita, O Wichita! or No Fun With Peter King: Tuesday Open Thread

So Peter King is stepping back from his primary(?) gig writing 11,000 words per week as a columnist for NBC Sports.

This is indeed the end of an era, and you will see a thousand fauning tributes to the football equivalent of everyone’s favorite sells-insurance-but-really-wanted-to-be-a-standup-comic uncle.

Not here, obviously. Even our deeply-felt eulogies tend to have a bit of an edge to them.

By all accounts I’ve read, Peter is a genuinely nice guy. That seems to have lain at the heart of his professional success- he can talk to anyone, make them feel special, get them to open up a bit, then share that with America.

It also made him a shitty journalist.

Peter King was the prototype for the modern Access Whore national sportsdude, concentrating on centering himself, his friends and his narrative over providing any real insight or analysis. NFL people (particularly management and coaches) were willing to talk to him because they could be certain King was going to be exceedingly kind in his articles, and that steady sources would be protected from criticism.

Moreover, his writing was shit. If you didn’t think too hard, you could read his column and come away with the impression that you had learned something. It sounded like sports journalism, in the same way you can ask ChatGPT to write a brief and it will sound a lot like actual legal filing.

But it’s not, and if you scratch the surface the illusion falls apart. King’s writing, beyond windy prose to convey basic facts, is a collection of clichés, internal contradictions, and NFL orthodoxy from the Church of Everybody Knows, blended into a fine paste and spread on Stoned Wheat Thins to trick you into thinking it’s Fancy.

Hell, Kissing Suzy Kolber was built on a foundation of pointing out the bloviating fartsniffing horseshit King was spouting beneath the veneer of the Grand Old Man of NFL Press.

And that’s before we get into his mid-to-late career addiction to inflicting his personal passions and observations on us. I’m not talking about his daughters’ softball stuff- even Saint Dr. Z inserted personal color on occasion. I mean the Acela Quiet Car. The Allagash White. King insisted on kidnapping the reader and forcing them to wander through the dusty corridors of his brain.

Every single column teetered precariously on the edge of Grampa Simpson Wearing an Onion on His Belt.

Listen: I do this too. But I’m a rank fucking amateur. A forgivable quirk for me is a deeply annoying tic for a professional.

King is a nice man, and I hope he enjoys retirement. And like so many things, his longevity itself gives him a thick coating of nostalgia to paper over the flaws. But he paved the way for toxic idiot Take Merchants and Access Whores like Pat McAfee and Shams Charania, and I will not forgive him.

NFL News:

Not much at this point- everyone is gearing up for the Combine. Mostly it’s a lot of empty talk and feints around pending or potential free agents: who will get the franchise tag, who could be traded/released, what teams will do to get under the cap, etc.

-Shaq Barrett: free! The Buccaneers star was a cap casualty. They save $5 million, when they already have $48 million in cap space. Unless they are making a run at Kirk Cousins (or trading for Russell Wilson for some reason) this seems stupid. Hopefully he ends up on a real team.

-Tee Higgins: bound! The Bengals make their #2 (maybe 2a) wide receiver the first franchise tag recipient of the year. The former second-round pick will make $21.8 million, roughly 2.5x the total he has collected in his 4 year career. Cincy is in a weird place, with Ja’Marr Chase’s 5th year option (broadly equivalent to a franchise tag) and likely giant extension looming next year. That is also when Joe Burrow’s cap hit becomes Serious (jumping from $29 million to $46 million).

So I would not be shocked if the Bengals choose to ride out the year with Higgins on the tag. Higgins has little incentive to sign a long-term below-market deal, and would likely again be the top free agent receiver again next year. The Bengals can’t afford to give him an at-market long term deal, because some other team (Jacksonville?) would definitely pony up WR1 money. Interesting hand of poker here.

-L’Jarius Sneed: Weird! KC has informed their star corner that they are prepared to tag him, with an eye toward trading him if they can’t work out a long term contract. This seems fair, given that the cap hit for the tag ($19ish million) is more than their cap space ($17ish million). Sneed is on board with a potential sign-and-trade, although I’m  not sure what the mechanics/cap significance would be.

Sneed and Chris Jones were the Chiefs two likely tag targets, and this seems to signal either a confidence in getting Jones signed without the threat of a tag or a willingness to let Jones walk. The potential of losing both (even with draft compensation for Sneed) puts a crimp in KC’s potential to threepeat, unless they trade Sneed for a wideout.

See you on the other side of the Combine!