Dolllllllllllphinnnnnnnnnnnnnnssssss!

Hey fellow DFOers! I apologize for the lateness of this post, and my overall disappearance. You see, Bill Belicheck was just a few wins away from breaking Coach Shula’s all-time win record (Peace Be upon him)  and I knew I had to act before it was too late. So, I came up with a plan: recruit and financially back a female Dolphins fan to distract Belichick to the point where winning is no longer his focus. At first, I thought of Hawk Tua Girl, but then I realized her head game might be too intense and could kill Bill, and DFO Legal warned me against that. But then, I found her—Jordan Hudson. She’s perfect for Lord Mumbler. Mission accomplished!

The architect of the Cheatriots, who happily turned a blind eye to Aaron Hernandez’s bizarre behavior because he was a good football player, doesn’t deserve that record

Here’s a look at the Dolphins’ schedule:

Here are some bets that should should place on the Dolphins:

Dolphins over win total:

Draft Kings, BetMGM, and Hard Rock Bet all have the over at Over 9.5 (-135)

AFC East Winner:

Draft Kings and Hard Rock Bet – (+200)
BetMGM –  (+210)

SuperB Owl winner:

Draft Kings and BetMGM have (+2200)
Hard Rock Bet – (+2500)

In case you couldn’t tell by the title of this preview, bet on the Dolphins to win it all, baby! This team is stacked, man.

Here’s a preview of both sides of the ball:

Defense:

The biggest addition for the Fins this year comes by subtraction. Vic Fangio, the previous DC, is gone. He was so despised that as soon as his departure was announced, Jevon Holland took to social media to post this video. The consensus from fans, along with claims from a few players, including Holland, is that Fangio seemed checked out and looked like he would rather be anywhere else than on the Dolphins’ sidelines. The atmosphere feels lighter and happier now that Weaver is the new DC.

Some fans are concerned about the D-line, especially with Christian Wilkins gone. To that, I say HOGWASH! Calais Campbell is an excellent replacement, and with Miami using a rotation of players, they’ll always have fresh legs on the field, keeping the opposition guessing who will be next. Plus, Sieler is very good, though he will likely need to adjust to being double-teamed more often. Also, Pork Chop Robinson is going to be a problem on the edge! Just look at how fast he is.

I know it’s Washington, but just look!

That’s your DROY right there, baby!

At linebacker, the Dolphins are good to go. Jaelan Phillips is back after a bad Achilles injury.

Look at that movement and that body!  I’d push your deadbeat dads down the stairs to get that torso. My God!

Brandon Chubb is now being seen around camp. I suspect he’ll be back by Week 1, which makes us unbeatable, baby!

Miami’s corners are going to be a nightmare for QBs with Jalen Ramsey and Darth Kader starting. Keep an eye on the emerging unicorn, Ethan Bonner, to play LCB.

Bonner has looked amazing at camp so far, as Waddle says here

His words about Big Bonner are so delicious, I need to be poetic for a moment:

Fast and strong
Knows how to read the long
My trusted friend, my white cornerback.
He can soar
Break up passes, and do much more
My white cornerback on the field once more.
My unicorn. 

The safety position is airtight, led by captain Jevon Holland. Not only is he happy about Fangio being gone, but he is also due for a massive pay increase, which means I expect him to be an absolute demon back there. This is especially true since new DC Anthony Weaver is starting to realize that moving Holland around in the defense makes him even more dangerous. Holland is joined by free agent newcomers Jordan Poyer and Marcus Maye, as well as returning veterans Elijah Campbell and, potentially depending on need and injuries, Nik Needham.

Factor in the defense getting more rest because the offense will have possession, and this could be a top 3-5 defense. Get ready for the Aqua Lockdown, baby

Offense:

Somehow, this team is better on offense than last year!

The wideouts are led by a Cheetah and a Penguin. Ty Hill, recently ranked as the best player in the league by his peers, leads the way. Over the past year, the Cheetah got five different women (including his wife, like a normie) pregnant. That’s my wideout! He just loves scoring, baby!

The 1B receiver is Jaylen Waddle. Recently, the team admitted they were trying to get Ty to 2,000 yards receiving last season, but they won’t focus on that this year as they’re more concerned with winning. As a result, I expect Waddle to get more balls thrown his way, especially since Cheetah seems to have a hand injury. Speaking of injuries, Odell Beckham Jr. is also hurt but is expected to be the WR3 when he returns.

In the meantime, River Cracraft seems to be the favorite for the WR3 spot, but honestly, I think Malik Washington has shown more and should get the spot. In other words, the depth at the Miami receiver position is more stacked than Sydney Sweeney.

Jonnu Smith is new, and I like what he brings to tight end. He’s a hard, physical runner, and the tight end sweep that Miami is calling is just deadly with him, as you can see here.

Plus, with the opposition’s defense focused on Miami’s dangerous wideouts, Smith’s fantasy value as a tight end is greatly overlooked.

At running back, Mostert, Achane, and rookie Jaylen Wright look to form a three-headed monster. From a fantasy football perspective, they might handcuff each other. But from a fan’s perspective—holy shit, these guys can ball! All three backs are insanely fast. While Mostert should be the primary back, given his age and how good the other two are, he might fall down the depth chart. Coach McD wants to run the ball more, so expect these three to each have 1,000 rushing yards, baby! Those boys are going to be penetrating the shit out of all those holes. Sit down, Jerry Sandusky.

At quarterback, we have TUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAA! TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAA! as the starter. He came into camp in shape and is throwing darts to everyone.

Tua spent last season proving he can stay healthy and had the most passing yards in the league. This season, Tua will take the next step as a franchise QB, which might hurt his individual numbers but will help win the Dolphins games in December and beyond. What’s impressive is that Tua has overcome adversity—namely, surviving Brian Flores as coach. For those of you who don’t know, check this out.

Tua’s first two seasons were sabotaged by Fraud Flores, who truly thought that telling Tua he sucked and didn’t belong in the NFL every day would be a good motivational tool. Despite that, and despite throwing passes to players like DeVante Parker, Jakeem Grant, Mack Hollins, and others, Tua still put up a respectable passer rating. If Flores was genuinely interested in working with Tua, he wouldn’t have passed up Justin Jefferson as a weapon in the 2020 draft. This was sabotage of the highest order! Fraud Flores deserves to be canceled! He also ran Minkah Fitzpatrick out of town. Austin Jackson has also expressed his displeasure with Flores.

There you have it: why Miami is going to go 17-0. Tua is going to stay healthy and ball out. He’ll easily sweep the division because Rodgers is old and slow and has already begun abandoning the Jets, as if they were part of his family. Maye isn’t good, nor are the Patriots. Josh Allen should consider a career as a baker because he’s a turnover machine. He’ll be put in his place. Nothing could go wrong!

Oh yeah, the offensive line.

It feels like the O-line has been ranked 25-32 for the past 15 years. Tua literally had to take self-defense classes to survive last season unscathed. With injuries already piling up, McDaniel trying to create cute offensive line ‘playmaker’ schemes to make up for the O-line’s deficiencies, and Grier refusing to address the issue, it’s likely to be the same old story.

Hell, with Matthew Judon being traded and Haason Reddick holding out, the other AFC East teams have done more to protect Tua this year than the Dolphins. Fuck.

What’s terrifying is that if Tua gets hurt, the Fins will have to rely on Mike White or Skylar Thompson, who have looked worse than Florida man after a meth bender.

Prediction:

If the Fins stay healthy, UNDEFEATED AND A SUPERB OWL, BABY!

If injuries keep happening, 11-6, and STILL THE SUPERB OWL CHAMPS!

FINS UP!