Early Window Sunday Sub Job

Buenos días. Your friendly neighboUrhood Scotchnaut caught a case of the Real Lifes and is indisposed for posting duties on this most blessed (and kinda hungover) Sunday, may Gamblor be unto you. Let me wish, for those who partake, a Happy Fantasy Football playoffs. Your 14 weeks of blind luck have finally paid off.

My bad. That’s too glib. Surely you can point to a crucial waiver wire pickup, bra fucking vo. Didja tell yo’ mamma ‘bout your successes in random stat crap? Oh what pride.

Incidentally, if week quinceañera happens to be your playoff fantasy bye week, well here’s my 1,000 words to you:

Fantasy football is enraging, dumb, and engaging. Turning to less random crap, the early window matchups!

C-Boys (5-8) @ Black Panthers (3-10)

From Shrimpy to Frisky: the Bryce Young Saga has entered its third act. First came the humiliation (stinking), then the humbling (benching), and now the… narrow losses. Carolina took it to the Chefs and Iggles, both top conference playas. Is everyone rooting for a beatin’ of the Dallas? Yes, yes we are.

Predicción: DAL 27 : 24 CAR

Commies (8-5) @ Saints (5-8)

DC is coming off its bye, before which they snapped a three-game losing streak after a thorough demolishing of Tennessee that I had to turn off in the middle of the second quarter because it was embarrassing. Commanders CB Marshon Lattimore returns to play after missing five games; WR Noah Brown is out with a kidney, Jamison Crowder will play.

For Norliens, QB Derek Carr is doubtful to start (left hand) and hurt (soul). Saints finish the season @ GB, RAAAAAIIII DUUUUUUURS, and @ Tampa. Their NFL relevance at present is technical, at best. Counterpoint: El Holiness has shown interest and is encouraging:

Amen #Saints https://t.co/zDsyaPe9tL

— New Orleans Saints (@Saints) November 7, 2024

Ravens (8-5) @ Jints (2-11)

QB Drew Lock is doubtful (left elbow / too skillful), so Tommy Caricature will start for New Jersey. Blax and I saw Tommy DeVito play in last year’s Giants @ RAAAAAIIIIII DUUUUUUURS and we marvelled at how thoroughly inept he was. For me, DeVito’s NFL career is 47% public relations and 46% tank renderings. I cannot wait until he’s relegated to the Peter McNeely section of sports trivia.

The Ravens are the most penalized team in 2024. If you hate Balmore (or any Harbaugh), each illegal formation penalty called after a dynamite TD throw and catch are droplets of thick honey dredged with WarHeads dust. Penalties, Isaiah Likely’s Week 1 toe, and Justin Tucker’s tryst with Shan’klor have held the Ravens unachievin’. Tractorcito and Lamar! are gonna destroy Houston in the Wild Cards.

Incidentally, Reliant Stadium mixes a mean margarita for around $20. Niiiice.

Dolphins (6-7) @ Comic ‘Xans (8-5? 4 real? 🥴)

The Houston Texans are bottom-7 in false starts and offensive holding, whereas I recommend tender holding and bottoms up.

You:

I blame the slow-release gummies.

In other delayed releases, Odell Beckham Jr. (32). Miami waived OBJ this week, after he was absent two days in practice for “personal reasons”. Miami finishes with 49ers, @ Browns and @ vacation [a.k.a. Jest]. OBJ just checked out sooner.

Jest (3-10) @ Jags (3-10)

Whenever I feel that a lousy NFL season has occupied too much of my time because of shit results and game experiences wasted on getting wasted out of frustration (instead of elation), I always think: at least I’m not a Jets fan.

The Jets cover the whole spectrum of failure: lack of leadership, clown coaching, toxic recruiting, and players becoming jaded then openly surly. It has all the elements of an ethnostate built on Murphy’s Law.

And then there’s Jacksonville. I know! 🤣 Right? 😂😝😅

Full disclosure: Tennessee lost to both of these teams this year. To be clear: the Jest / Jags bashin’ was sour grapes, not crowing.

Chefs (12-1) @ Pauls (3-10)

In the latest sickening last second KC victory, kicker Matthew Wright was selected as the AFC’s special teams player of the Week. This Week on Matthew Wright news:

Wright’s gone because tradwife pamphleteer Harrison Butker is back on the football field, where he can be pummelled into mush without risk of jail time. Wishcasting for this has a higher payout than an actual Chefs loss in this game.

This game does provide for alternate reality speculationin’. I think the only coach who would take a chance on Gropey Cap Gobbler is Andy Reid. Reid has gotten a lot of play from delinquents of all stripes, including family. But I just don’t see Watson playing—period—in 2025, given his playing is shot and he’s a black hole that sucks every emotion in the spectrum between joy and indifference. As to Jameis Winston, he’s entertaining as a QB FOR ANOTHER TEAM. His reverend / sister act is too grating. To me, he’s become an automatic mute / block / logoff / unistall annoyer whose additional exposure will make him reach Deion Sanders-level bullshit spouter.

FINALLY,

Bengals (5-8) @ Titans (unimportant)

Brian Callahan was Cincy’s OC until last year, and him and Bengals HC Zac Taylor are all-in on their bro-love. Which is charming, in theory. None of them has gotten a bit of good press about their coaching performances, despite Joe Burrow being the leader in most passing categories. Considering Burrow as the league MVP, however, is far-fetched

Bengals finish the season against the Browns, Broncos, and @ Steelers. So Cincy sneaking into the playoffs is merely fetched: PIT might have nothing to play for. The Broncos seem the tougher game. So a five-game winning streak to end the season is not just a maybe, but a “yeah sure”.

On the other hand, TEN has a not-terrible defense. And former Bengal CB Chido Awuzie is back on the field for TEN, in full playbook snitch mode. I’m beyond optimism now, just running on pure delusion.

Predicción: Bro-love ensnares Cincy in trap games shenanigans, CIN 23 : 24 TEN.

Now do your worst.