Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: Hydration Break!

Good evening. Would you believe it, the first free day of the Mundial? Nobody plays today, the first footy-free day since June. And cards clear (except for you, Folarin Balogun, yours is “suspended for 12 months.”)

Also, does this mean we get free dinges at Wafels & Dinges because they won, or extra-cost dinges because they twisted the knife bringing in Lukaku because fuck you, that’s why?

Anywho, in the spirit of American commentators not having the faintest fucking idea what they’re talking about, let’s go through the quarterfinals.

France vs. Morocco @ “Boston” Stadium except Providence is closer (Foxborough) (Thursday, 4:00, Fox): As my French friend put it, “If France wins, the country will be on fire. If France loses, the country will be destroyed.” France is currently the betting favorite to win it all, and Morocco has been a dark horse since the jump with making the semis last World Cup. Add it the Casablanca angle, and for us Americans, the country that helped is in the Revolution vs. the first country to sign a treaty with us and I’m sure it’ll be fun for someone. Probably not the French, even if they win (see above quote). Predictions? Oh, fuck if I know or care, that’s up to the knowledgeable people. I’m just learning about the “Kylian Dictator” meme.

Spain vs. Belgium @ SoFi (Friday, 3:00, Fox): I’m not surprised the current tariffs and yellings-at by Agent Orange are at one of the teams involved, but Spain? Not the one we expected. Oddly enough, Spain, despite that they’d have to place France in the semis, are the second choice favorite according to what I’ve read, though it’s still half of France’s odds (+180 for France vs. +370 for Spain). Belgium may be old as fuck, but the Mierdas Touch bulletin board material and absolutely terrible, terrible play meant that they could have coasted, and did. So maybe they’re slightly more rested? I don’t know, I need to double-check stats.

Norway vs. England @ I can’t believe Hard Rock still has stadium sponsorship money (Saturday, 5:00, Fox): A big fucking Viking! A fuckface! Medieval battle jokes! This game has everything. I’m reasonably sure the neutrals are rooting for Norway currently, due to Viking Row and social democracy purposes. And, of course, the previously mentioned hula girls.

Argentina vs. Switzerland @ “Wait, wouldn’t Arrowhead still count as not a sponsor?” (Saturday, 9:00, Fox): The Swiss took the ColOmbians to penalties and won there yesterday after playing a most glorious goalless AET draw, the neutrality special. As for Argentina…

They’ll probably keep getting away with it.

So then, what is on tonight? Uh, baseball. It’s all we got. So enjoy. Next week YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THAT. Although there is a semifinal on Wednesday so never mind.