Requiem For A Cat*

The Chicago Bears this week announced that, after 8 years, they were forced to return Jay Cutler, quarterback and werecat, to the shelter where they got him.  The move is expected to save $2 million against the cap, although all parties agree that it is far too late to save the carpeting in the locker room.

“Like a lot of people, we were really excited to get Cutler 8 years ago”, said Ryan Pace, bears GM.  “He was unbelievably talented and we really thought he’d make a great addition to the Bears’ family, motivate us to come together and lead us back to the Super Bowl.”

Cutler, who like many rescue animals hailed from Tennessee, was indeed considered a potential savior to the Bears’ franchise but, as Pace went on to say, the Bears soon learned that cats aren’t always what they seem.  “At first Cutler really seemed to be doing his job.  He learned the playbook, hit the open man in stride and kept the mice out of the locker room.”  As he aged, however, Pace noticed a lot of changes in Cutler.  “He just wasn’t as motivated as he used to be.  He hurt his knee and seemed to grow resentful when everyone started to pay attention to the new cat who came in while he was at the vets.”  (Editor’s note:  that cat, Hanie, hasn’t been seen for quite a while; speculation is that a coyote got him)  Pace went on:  “He seemed to stop caring: he just sat around and stared, no matter how well or poorly the  team was doing.  All of which we could have put up, (I mean, if you’ve seen the care with which we assembled our offensive line you’d know we’re just as apathetic as any cat), but he stopped even pretending to chase mice and he’d taken to pissing in every corner of the locker room.  Seriously, once we know he’s gone for good we’re just gonna haul those things out and burn them.”

Reached for comment Cutler arched his back, hissed at the reporter and then stalked away, pausing only to spray on a passer-by’s shoe.

In lieu of flowers mourners are asked to spay and neuter their pets and to not have their children vaccinated.

*Post at the request of Cutler, so blame him, and in partial tribute to King Hippo’s cat, who would never, ever spray on your shoe.