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Hail to the Chief

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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So I thought I’d put together a list of the NFL coaches that I thought best represented the forty-five U.S. Presidents.  Here’s what I came up with.  I added a note or two for each one.  I hope this provides decent fodder for discussion in the comments.  Yes, I know some of these are dumb.  Yes, I did put some thought into it.  No, not that much.  Well, I’d like to see you do better, tough guy!

1  George Washington Vince Lombardi The original winner.
2  John Adams Jim Mora The competent one.
3  Thomas Jefferson Paul Brown Territorial expansion.
4  James Madison Rex Ryan The party president with the party wife.
5  James Monroe Bill Walsh Western sphere of influence.
6  John Quincy Adams Jim Mora Jr. Riding in on daddy’s coattails.
7  Andrew Jackson Buddy Ryan Mercurial, loathed Redskins.
8  Martin Van Buren Norm Van Brocklin Dutchy Van Dutcherson
9  William Henry Harrison Hal Hunter Shortest possible tenure.
10  John Tyler Rod Dowhower Took over for a dead guy, accomplished nothing.
11  James Knox Polk Mike Martz A short-timer, but a winner.
12  Zachary Taylor John Madden Taken out by tummy troubles.
13  Millard Fillmore Mike Munchak Three whole years of mediocrity.
14  Franklin Pierce Barry Switzer America’s drunkest president.
15  James Buchanan Sean Payton History’s most eligible bachelor.
16  Abraham Lincoln Chuck Noll The great emancipator.
17  Andrew Johnson Steve Spagnuolo Hamstrung and helpless.
18  Ulysses S Grant Al Davis A forcible reunion.
19  Rutherford Birchard Hayes Dick Jauron Not the most memorable tenure.
20  James Abram Garfield Sam Wyche Even less memorable.
21  Chester Alan Arthur Jeff Fisher If a U.S. President could go 7-9.
22  Grover Cleveland Andy Reid (Philadelphia) Gorging at the trough.
23  Benjamin Harrison Norv Turner Clearly not a playoff president.
24  Grover Cleveland Andy Reid (Kansas City) Back for seconds!
25  William McKinley Tony Dungy Pious prick.
26  Theodore Roosevelt Jon Gruden Young, effective, but ultimately distracted by more interesting pursuits.
27  William Howard Taft Wade Phillips He put the oval in oval office.
28  Woodrow Wilson Marty Schottenheimer Take no chances, defense first.
29  Warren Gamaliel Harding Gary Kubiak His heart wasn’t in it.
30  Calvin Coolidge Jim Caldwell No one ever played it closer to the vest.
31  Herbert Clark Hoover Ken Whisenhunt Presided over a great collapse.
32  Franklin Delano Roosevelt Don Shula Champion of continuity.
33  Harry S Truman Bill Parcells Not a fan of Japan.
34  Dwight David Eisenhower Tom Landry Military man turned effective administrator.
35  John Fitzgerald Kennedy Lane Kiffin Young, had a sexy wife, and made a LOT of enemies.
36  Lyndon Baines Johnson Bum Phillips Texas personified.
37  Richard Milhous Nixon Bill Belichick Amoral genius brought low by his propensity to record things.
38  Gerald Rudolph Ford Jack Del Rio Played too much football without a helmet.
39  James Earl Carter Jr Marc Trestman First rate mind, third rate leader.
40  Ronald Wilson Reagan Don Coryell Obsessed with aeronautical superiority.
41  George Herbert Walker Bush George Siefert Racked up dominating victories, but forced out nonetheless.
42  William Jefferson Clinton Jimmy Johnson Arkansas hero, relentless horndog.
43  George Walker Bush Mike Ditka Took a singular accomplishment and ran it into the ground.
44  Barack Hussein Obama Mike Tomlin Successful but hated by racists.
45  Donald Trump Hue Jackson Worst in history, and he still hasn’t been fired yet.

 

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Don T

Too good. BUT,
???REVISIONIST HISTORY ALERT???
Sam Wyche! He was memorable. He left his mark by pissing off opposing coaches with the permanent no-huddle offense. Even Marv Levy, before Jim Kelly made a career of going no-huddle.
http://www.nytimes.com/1989/01/07/sports/football-bengals-accused-pulling-fast-one-no-huddle-hurry-up-offense-angers.html
It’s a shame Wyche has been forgott—WAIT!.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I was expecting hotter takes about the “Great Reagan.”

Maybe that is just the felony lovin’ repubs I know.

0
Unsurprised

What’s the point?

0
Brick Meathook

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2
blaxabbath

6
WCS

This is my new favorite post.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What are you talking about this is the dumbest post ever.

3
blaxabbath

This is the Covfefe of posts.

2
King Hippo

this pillhead gets it…TIS TRUE GENIUS!!

0
Unsurprised

Okay. I’m going for a walk.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Way to rub it in.”

–FDR

9
Unsurprised

“Better to rub one out. Just not onto a dress.”
—William Jefferson Clinton

7
nomonkeyfun

And for the love of God. Find a good dry cleaner.

3
Unsurprised

Chuck Pagano – Woodrow Wilson. Kept around even though their health made them useless because no one really had any other option at the time.

11
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh, that’s good.

1
King Hippo

Perhaps the greatest post in the history of EVAR.

/non-BOLTMAN! varietal

2
nomonkeyfun

I think maybe we can switch W to Mangini with the Browns.

You think it can’t worse, then someone shows up later, Trump/Hue, and you see just how bad it can get.

http://prod.static.49ers.clubs.nfl.com//assets/images/imported/SF/photos/Centerpiece_Images/Homepage/2015/02-February/031815-MANG-TB.jpg

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3
SonOfSpam

I can’t believe he isn’t doing the overbite thing in that GIF.

0
nomonkeyfun

Can you imagine that this guy was considered more “Presidential” than Obama by many people. I know, I know O wore this suit.
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No real American president would do that in the White House.
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3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Obama played basketball, like a thug. If he’s to be seen playing a sport, a president should play something respectable, like golf.

Also, Obama played too much golf.”

– Conservatives

11
Unsurprised

Can you imagine that this guy was considered more “Presidential” than Obama by many people.

Yes. Right-wingers speak and act only in bad faith. Even then, their racism is transparent except to idiots and the willfully obtuse (definition of stupidity).

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I want to upvote this fucker as many times as the national debt increased during his years (in Yen or Pecos)

1
Unsurprised

That motherfucker.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m trying to force in a John McKay joke and can’t come up with someone who inherited an unwinnable situation and was still entertaining as hell. Maybe that’s Carter, if it weren’t for the Iran hostage crisis and being a shit manager. Or maybe it’s just Billy Carter.

2
Unsurprised

Ford

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I like that

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Spot on re: Jim Caldwell as Silent Cal.

I still think George Allen should be William Henry Harrison just based on the dying of pneumonia due to stupidity/gatorade bath.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

WCS gets the credit for Caldwell.

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Unsurprised

Promised [REDACTEDS] dignity. Lied.

Between 1803 and 1809 William Henry Harrison negotiated more than a dozen treaties on behalf of the federal government that purchased nearly all the Indian land in most of present-day Illinois and the southern third of Indiana from various tribes. … Most of the tribes had already removed from the state.

1
blaxabbath

My Twitter account has apparently been suspended. Bad people on both sides, I guess.

I feel liberated.

1
Unsurprised

Genie, you’re free.

2
The Maestro

Wait what? Really? I’m impressed.

2
blaxabbath

And the tweet they hit me for was soft.

Old and soft.

Maybe I’ll just be a nazi so they’ll leave me alone.

1
Unsurprised

Just abandon ship. It’s not worth it.

1
blaxabbath

I sort of think it’s time to give MySpace a call.

3
blaxabbath

Who was the worst President before Trump (can’t say Carter)?

And then who was the worst coach ever before Hue?

0
Unsurprised

Who was the worst President before Trump (can’t say Carter)?

W, Johnson, Nixon

Nixon had some policy wins, but he also committed treason to win in 1968 by sabotaging the Paris peace talks and extending the war 7 years (killing 20,000 Americans and hundreds of thousands of Asians) as well as the whole “Being a wretched piece of vile dogshit.”

4
Unsurprised

I shouldn’t need to make the case, but I will.

W had the economic incompetence of Hoover, the corruption of Harding and Grant, the pious bullshit of McKinley, the racism of Jackson, the evil militarism of fucking all of these bastards, was a shitty presence, aggressively disengaged, committed multiple impeachable offenses, and yet somehow was not only never held to account but is being rehabilitated because he shined on enough people with influence because of his pious bullshit compared to the newest guy who has the decency not to pretend he ever gave a shit about anyone.

People talk about Trump like he’s the Antichrist, but by December 2001 the economy was on fire once already (thanks Enron, the tech bubble, and MCI Worldcom), 9/11 happened because his “best foreign policy team ever” aggressively ignored the threat, we were already stuck in Afghanistan, had passed the USA PATRIOT Act, was illegally detaining Americans, engaged in notoriously bad domestic policy regarding education, science, and natural resources, and on and on.

Trump has said uncouth things, which somehow gives Congress cover to finally kill all the poor people. But blaming Congress on Trump is like blaming it on Obama.

6
blaxabbath

“What’s that? I dunno — but we WILL blame it on Obama, thank you very much!”

– FNC

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hoover.

And THAT’s Rich Kotite or a better example of someone also running team financial’s into the ground. Like Holmgren with the Seahawks maybe? Or someone worse.

1
Unsurprised

Hoover was a competent manager, but he was foiled by an inability to consider economic realities.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Historians seem to think it’s Andrew Johnson as worst president. Deadpin has Marty Mornhihweg as worst coach.

1
King Hippo

yeah, Andrew Johnson was a total piece of shit.

I object STRONGLY to the LBJ “worst” characterization. He was basically two Presidents, one great, one awful. Much like Nixon (except his awful was even worse, and his great only really good).

1
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’d argue James Buchanan is still the worst president. His inaction/bumbling inability to control the South allowed the Civil War to happen since he, ya know, didn’t actually do a damn thing to stop 7 states from succeeding.

1
Unsurprised

That split was inevitable because of the long-standing American tradition of kicking the can down the road to let someone else deal with it, which began during the writing of the Constitution and proceeded through the Missouri Compromise, Dred Scott, the Kansas-Nebraska Act, etc. New Mexico would’ve become a (very progressive for the time) state in 1850 if it weren’t for the two generations of incompetence and cowardice that perpetuated this schism.

1
JustStopDude

Good old Ronnie Reagan.

The HIV and AIDS crisis, which hit not only homosexuals and drug addicts, but a huge number of people could have been prevented and contained if he just listen to his FUCKING CDC.

I am constantly amazed by some of the older people I work with because they think gay people are like a new thing. No…its because all the gay people your age died in a horrific and completely fucking preventable pandemic that is STILL KILLING PEOPLE TODAY IN THE FUCKING THIRD WORLD YO@_#(%&_@#%_(U&$%!!!

Oh before he even became president, his team of guru’s committed high fucking treason. Let’s remember folks, this was a man that supervised (while a fucking civilian) to have talks with the enemy to keep our fucking kidnapped civilians in custody longer…and he fucking double down with the fucking Iranians to make illegal weapon sales to them so they could then funnel the profits back to fucking DEATH SQUADS in Nicaragua in direct violation of about a half a dozen laws specific written to tell the president NOT to do this.

Also created the ongoing homeless/prison mental health crisis by emptying out all the mental hospitals but refusing to fund any of the replacement facilities he promised.

Also spent 8 years destroying worker rights, the environment, etc.

Funded the fuck out of the Taliban…thank god that never came back and bit us in the ass (though in Ronnie’s defense, he just went full bore because this started on the Jimmy “Peace Prize” Carter’s watch.

Ballooned the fucking national defense budget, while at the same time creating “trickle down economics” which is as functional as “Juche” policies.

His only redeeming quality is that by the time his second term was up, the dementia had destroyed his sanity and ability not to shit his pants.

Oh and Sandusky for worst coach. Granted he is only a defensive coach, but still…raped a shit load of kids.

5
Unsurprised

Oh. Jesus Christ. I’m so mad about W getting rehabilitated that I somehow forgot about Reagan, that evil Swiss-cheese brain motherfucker.

The CIA-Contra crack link is undeniable now, as it was when Gary Webb first reported it (and that was after it first came to light during Iran-Contra hearings) and even though he was tormented until he lost everything and killed himself HE WAS RIGHT. GARY WEBB WAS FUCKIG RIGHT AND HE WAS BASICALLY KILLED FOR IT.

Anyway, Reagan and the CIA brought crack to America to destroy minorities. And succeeded.

…

I’m leaving again. I want to murder someone right now.

1
JustStopDude

Trump is stupid, incompetent evil.

He is so bad at working with others that literally almost nothing major is going to be accomplished by him. Hell…the whole Net Neutrality thing is going to be locked up in the courts for so fucking long that in 3 years, the next president is going to just put it back.

I mean there is no way he is winning a second term. My mother is hyper conservative and she is sick of Trump/s shit.

But old Ronnie…that mother fucker was competent evil. He did so much fucking evil shit with that goofy “I’m just a confused old man” bullshit look. Him and the blow job queen were fucking experts at manipulating people and every single negative stereotype I can think of truly evil, rich, white folks.

But you ain’t allowed to say shit about him. Fuck…it started with him with the naming of navy ships after living GOP members. How fucking insane is that?

Actually…he might have been dead…or alive…I mean by that point it didn’t fucking matter.

3
blaxabbath

Jared Kushner/Sean McVay

0
blaxabbath

Not a fan of Japan is funny.

4
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d just like to point out that RTD said the “R” word and needs to be shot…
…out of a cannon!!!!

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Weeeeeee!!!!!
(we’ll catch ya…probably)
((great post))

1
Unsurprised

But that’s what makes the joke perfect.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Agreed. I was only teasing him.

1
Unsurprised

At this point, I don’t know shit about fuck.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Does this make Bellichick Vladimir Putin?

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean, they both own Patriots’ Super Bowl rings…

10
SonOfSpam

Too bad Dungy is already used; I can see GHW Bush as Dungy. Both were decent enough folks whose sons were eventually overcome by demons (being gay/Cheney).

6
Unsurprised

There’s no way I can phrase it that doesn’t make me an asshole, but the world would’ve been better off if we trade Dungy’s son for W.

1
SonOfSpam

Many dead American soldiers and Iraqi civilians agree.

6
nomonkeyfun

James Buchanan Sean Payton History’s most eligible bachelor.

“Yes, but is he a confirmed bachelor?”

-A. Rodgers

2
Unsurprised
  • That Buddy Ryan one is hilarious.
  • Andy Reid/Grover Cleveland going back to the buffet is clever as Hell.
  • “Pious prick.” God DAMN!
  • “Bum Phillips – Texas personified.” Of course this exists.
  • The Bill Walsh/Wade Phillips jokes makes me sad that Rob Ryan will never be a head coach.
  • The Kubiak one was also great.
  • That reminds me. Who would Pagano be? Kept his job only out of pity?
  • The resemblance is uncanny:

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7
Unsurprised

I didn’t realize it was possible to have a frown wider than one’s face.

3
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I might suggest Mike McCoy for Benjamin Harrison, largely due to his loss to Cleveland.

8
ballsofsteelandfury

Can we add Hal Hunter as Alexander Haig?

2
Brick Meathook

There’s gotta be a slot for Rich Kotite in there somewhere.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’m all ears…”

– Ross Perot

7
Unsurprised

I love that he was clever enough to have made that own joke himself.

I wish Perot won.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I could go on all day about how Hue Jackson is the perfect match for Donald Trump.

3
Senor Weaselo

I smell follow-up post!

1
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The best thing is that both men are going to be extremely upset about that comparison for… very different reasons.

6
LemonJello

Interesting….
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You really like/dislike Lane Kiffin? He’s in there for two different POTUS.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, GHWB was supposed to be Monte Kiffin. Except that he was never actually a head coach, so…suggestions welcome.

0
LemonJello

Tom Coughlin?

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s the first thing that came to mind for me as well. I’ll give it a few minutes and see if anyone can convince me of anything better.

Maybe George Siefert, for Super Bowl blowout / Gulf War blowout, and being forced out even though he was actually doing a fairly decent job.

3
LemonJello

Siefert could be a good option. Mariucci replacing him does seem analogous to Clinton beating GHWB, right?

0
Unsurprised

Pete Carroll (Jets) might’ve also worked.

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