Last Month of the Offseason WOOO! – July 1st Open Thread

People everywhere* are complaining about the heat. That means: it’s July, baby! Oh man, the 2018 NFL season is so close you can almost smell the Toradol.

* Northern hemisphere. Whatever, nerds.

It’s been quite a wait, the draft feels like ages ago. Did the Jets draft the overrated or the opinionated QB? Guess I’ll find out soon, as training camps open in… Three weeks from now, at the earliest. Well, big deal. There’s plenty of news out there. Lemme check, uh…

PFT at dawn, via giphy.com

Woof. Let’s have a closer look.

Eagles LB Nigel Badham will start the year with a one-game suspension. The incident involved a punch to a hotel worker’s face. According to the story, I can skip the “allegedly”. Is there more to it? Badham started 15 games last year, so, yeah. It’s technically a meaty story.

Colt linebacker Robert Turbin got a 4-game suspension for PEDs and he apologized for “allowing it to happen”. I may have seen one of his 23 carries last year.

What else… Oh! LeBron James announced he will announce his new team–

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

DeMaurice Smith: That’s it! And you call yourselves “an NFL blog”. Please.

Door Flies Open: Hey Dee. I wish you would’ve called ahead of time because I’m– 

DM Smith: Busy? Oh, I know. I can read. Or had you forgotten about that? How can you maintain your dignity rooting for a “sport” that is mostly acting and the arbitrary whims of a referee–

DFO: Actually, if you must know, I’m working on a retelling of Yojimbo but about Jameis Winston and–wait! What are you doing?

[Smith reaches and grabs a light blue thread from the author’s collar]

DM Smith: Aha! Would you say that is a sky blue, or azul celeste as you say in Spanish.

DFO: [Defiant] I’d say that’s OILER blue. I put on my Chris Johnson Oilers throwback jersey earlier…

DFO: …to represent the team because I was going to a Spanish bakery–

DM Smith: I’m betting that was a polyester jersey. This is a cotton thread.

DFO: It’s the… Stitching?

DM Smith: How can lie to my face like that.

DFO: It was an Uruguay scarf! Happy? I was lying to spare your feelings.

DM Smith: Admit it: you don’t love the NFL.

DFO: The NFL’s never there! It’s the middle of summer, real life crap never stops. I have needs, you know. What am I supposed to do, turn to…

DM Smith: Don’t say it.

DFO: Baseball!? Besides, you knew I was like this before you met me.

DM Smith: You told me you were, and I quote, “footballsexual” during summers. And I asked you whether you took an interest to the college game and you said no. No! That’s what you said.

DFO: Oh I remember that conversation. I told you I was a FUTBOLsexual and you told me how much you dug my accent. But hey, if you choose to believe what hurts your ego less, that’s on you, bud. Besides, it’s not like you’re gonna leave The Commish for me, or for the fans. Are you? ARE YOU?

DM Smith: You know it’ll never work if Roger and I get divorced. You know this. We work out our differences together for the good for the game and–

DFO: And what? You’re doing it for the players? Are they the kids in your analogy?

DM Smith: They are dues-paying members of our guild, it is us who are the means of production.

DFO: Ugh. Spare me the Grundrisse crap and take being jilted like a man.

DM Smith: Are you asking to be slut shamed?

DFO: No! Just have some dignity, and walk away, dammit.

DM Smith. I know I made a mistake coming here. I know you will be crawling back around August.

[leaves]

DFO: Psh. Of course! Titans are gonna kick ass in ’18 man!

[from outside]

DM Smith: And it’s Das Kapital, you uncultured fuck.

Whatever. On tap for tonight, Red Sox (Price) vs Yankees (Severino). Can’t believe I’m saying this, but GO SOX! Joey Cora, cabrones. ‘Nuff said.

Hope everyone’s enjoying the Canada Day’s Eve, especially Rob. You The Man, man.

MEXICO AGAINST BRAZIL TOMORRA PEEPS. I wanna be sleepy already dammit!

*****UPDATE****** Kam Chancellor suggests he is retiring. That’s what ESPN says, but the source is a tweet from Kam that, yeah, it’s pretty definite. Chancellor cites the risk of paralysis and “I have no clue how these head injuries will go after the game”. Here’s a YouTube montage of what Chancellor brought to the game, starting with the leap over the line for kicks.  Best wishes to Kam and his family, and to whatever bottle’s in front of Beerguyrob right now.

Banner via tenor.com. DeMaurice Smith images via getty images / nbcsports.com; atlantablackstar.com; getty images / sportingnews.com; rightnj.com.