I started the initial draft of this post, in good faith mind you, sometime back in February, with the idea that I’d knock out 2-3 teams at a clip and cruise into my self-imposed and utterly meaningless 3/20 deadline with ease.  I did not, however, learn anything from last year, (when I did the same thing), or consider the likely utter chaos this year’s free agency, and whatever the hell it is the Giants are doing, would wreak on the draft, and now here we are on St. Patrick’s Day and I have to start from scratch.  The lesson, kids, is to procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate.  Then go 2-32 and still have a job, simply because no one else wants to do it.

Without further ado, TO THE DRAFT!

(please note that the top needs were taken from this poor bastard, who is now forever associated with this travesty, but who should in no way be held responsible when I go 2-32)

1. Arizona Cardinals 
Record: 3-13 (.188)

Top Needs:  OL, WR, DL

The pick:  

Hi!

Meet Mike Bidwell, the guy responsible for this heap of trash moldering in the desert.  What will he do with this pick?  The current mob wisdom is that the Cardinals are so hot to draft Kyler Murray, Heisman Trophy winner and Curse of the Oakland A’s, that they are willing to trade Josh Rosen, their #1 pick last year, to any one of a number of teams, (The PotatoSkins seem to be mentioned to most, followed in no particular order by the Raiders, Jaguars and, God help us all, P*tri*ts), then take Murray and unite him with untested new coach and Air Raid offense aficionado Kliff Kingsbury.  Forgetting, of course, that just last year they tried the new coach-new QB combo and forgot to do anything about their offensive line, which has more holes in it than the plot of last season Game of Thrones.  Seriously, Euron builds a thousand ships and sails them all the way around the continent and then back again so that he can lay waste to Dany’s plans on both side of Westeros in like the same week?  Did any of the writers look at a map?  For fuck’s sake, is it too mu…

Oh, right, the pick.  They’re gonna take Kyler Murray QB Oklahoma.  As for Josh Rosen my guess is that he either gets traded to the Giants for the 17th pick they just got from the Browns in return for ODB, or the PotatoSkins do something stupid, (as though they ever do anything else), and give away half their draft for him.

2. New York Giants (From San Francisco)

Top Needs:  QB, OL, DL

Record: 5-11 (.313)
The pick: TRADE!!!  TRADE!!! TRADE!!!

This just seems like a pick likely to be made by someone not the 49ers.  The Raiders are supposedly very interested in Murray, and if they can’t trade for Arizona’s pick, and Arizona inexplicably does what they should do and take someone not named Murray, Gruden will push hard to move up here and get him.  If Murray is gone the Raiders are probably content to stay at 4 and address their D-line, but the Giants, Miami and the [Redacteds] will probably engage in a pissing match to get into this spot and take Dwayne Haskins.  If the 49ers keep this pick the options seem to be Nick Bosa, Alabama’s Quinnen Williams, or Kentucky’s Josh Allen.  Here’s a breakdown where Allen got 11 out of 17 votes to go to the 49ers.  That said, I’mma go out on a very creaky limb here and say that Gettleman continues his reign of terror in New York, (per the 3/12 NY Times, only 3 of the players on the Giants opening day 2016 roster remain on the team!  Louis XVI’s administration had better staying power), and trades the 6th pick and one or two others to move up and grab the QB of the future.

The Giants are then going to jump over the table, kick a crippled kid out of the way and shove over a woman in a wheelchair on their way to hand in their slip with  The Ohio State QB Dwayne Haskins name on it.  They need to get someone in line to succeed a fading Eli Manning, who has clearly been playing for far too long with a crappy offensive line and without a nap.  They’ll also take themselves out of the Rosen situation and keep the 17th pick in the 1st round, allowing Gettleman to continue his rebuilding project.

At least one site has Miami leaping over the Giants to take Haskins at 5, resulting in the Giants taking Quinnen Williams and then drafting a QB with the Browns pick at 17 or in the second round, depending on how much they have to give up to move up to #2.  I mention this only because the Giants would probably be better off if Miami does them a favor and actually follows through on this.  Haskins may fit the physical definition of a QB, but he played one year for Ohio State and everyone lost their fucking minds.  Here’s a list of the top 10 Ohio State QBs.  Real NFL impact there.  “But Urban Meyer coached him”, you whine.  Well, yes, that’s true.  Meyer’s second most well-know QB is currently trying to make it as an outfielder for the New Yorks Mets, and his third most-well known QB is Alex Smith, who puts the meteor in mediocre.  Long story short, if the Giants are smart they’ll take a hard pass on Haskins, draft for defense or to address that box of Kleenex they call an offensive line these days, and take a QB later.  But they won’t, because the NFL revolves around QBs and every year at least three of them get drafted way too high.  This year won’t be any different.

3. New York Jets  
Record: 4-12 (.250)

Top Needs:  DE, OL, RB
The pick: Another pick that lots of people seem to think could be traded, and it makes sense since the Jets gave up a lot to get Sam Darnold last year.  They’re aren’t a lot of good QB prospects this year, (in my opinion they’re aren’t any, but keep in mind that I’m an idiot and don’t know what I’m talking about), so the Jets could easily flip this pick to someone like the Giants, if the 49ers haven’t already done so, and try to get some of those picks back.  Much like the #1 pick I suspect that this one will be changed any number of times before the last version, but for now I’m hearing too much about how good this Josh Allen DE, Kentucky, kid is, so I’ll say that the Jets take him here and hope to God to get some receiving help further down.

Also the Jets just signed  Le’veon Bell to a hilariously good contract, (for the Jets, as Bell’s brilliant hold-out strategy probably cost him $10 million-$15 million) thereby eliminating the need to address their issue at RB.

4. Oakland Raiders (this is the pick they earned all by themselves)
Record: 4-12 (.250)

Top Needs:  DE, CB, WR
The pick:

New coach, GM, and all-around Ruler-Of-All-He-Surveys Jon Gruden, (pictured above), celebrated the first year of his 10-year, $100 million contract by trading away All-Pro defensive monster Khalil Mack and Generally Pretty Good WR Amari Cooper for a wealth of draft picks and a 4-12 record.  Las Vegas was built on people making bets like this, so he should love it there.  Gruden’s gambling earned the Raiders this pick.  Some suggest that they will try to trade up to #1 to grab Murray, (which would be hilarious), but that doesn’t seem like something the Gruden Grinder is going to be able to do.  In our scenario The Gruden Grinder sees the top 2 QBs off the board and realizes that he needs to replace Mack, (who, to be fair, was going to cost a metric shit-ton of money to keep), and would dive over the desk to draft The Ohio State EDGE Nick Bosa.  Trading for Antonio Brown also addressed their need at WR, and considering they got a 1st round pick for Amari Cooper and only gave up a 3rd and a 5th for Brown, is pretty good general managing by Gruden, at least until Brown starts trying to shoot his way out of town sometime around Week 9.

Record: 5-11 (.313)
The pick: Here’s an interesting article about why the Patriots are always winning 12-14 games and a bunch of Super Bowls while Tampa Bay wins 5-6 games and is on the golf course by New Year’s Day every goddamn year.  Surprisingly it’s not because of the decision to ditch the fabulous Creamsicle unis of the days of yore for those red-and-pewter abominations of today, but rather because the Patriots get a lot of compensatory picks when they lose free agents, and then use those picks wisely, whereas the Bucs neither get a lot of compensatory picks nor use the ones they do get wisely.  I would take it a step further back and argue that the Patriots draft, sign and develop players that other teams want, and the Buccaneers do not.  Like there’s going to be a line to sign Jameis Winston when his contract expires.  Based on the logic of this article the Bucs should pay the Patriots to handle this pick for them, which means it would be traded away for a 2nd rounder, 2 3rd rounders, and a coupon good for half-off a rub-and-tug at the local spa.  Failing that, I’ll go along with the majority and say that the Bucs take Florida OT Jawaan Taylor, ensuring that Jameis Winston remains upright long enough to throw a back-breaking interception on 3rd and long late in the game.

6. San Francisco 49ers (From New York Giants)
Record: 4-12 (.250)

Top Needs:  DL, WR, S
The pick: If this draft works out the way I have it written so far the 49ers are sitting here at 6, counting yet another haul of picks from a team desperate for QB help and getting ready to draft Alabama DT Quinnen Williams.  I have a friend who is a rabid Crimson Tide fan, (look, I live in the red neck area of CT, it happens), so I saw more of Williams than I did most players, (which means I saw him play 3-4 times), and he looks like a wrecking machine.  He apparently did well at the combine too.  I don’t see the 49ers passing him up, as even though they’ve been taking a lot of defensive line help lately, the pass rush hasn’t been very good.  Although a tackle, Williams has good pass rushing ability and, combined with the recent free agency signing of Dee Ford, drafting him should greatly improve the 49ers pass rush, so long as Ford can remember where the goddamn line of scrimmage is.

Plus his nickname might be ‘The Bandit’, and that’s just cool.

7.  Jacksonville Jaguars 
Record:5-11 (.313)

Top Needs:  DL, OL, WR
The pick:Todd McShay thinks (Editor’s Note:  “thought”, and McShay was right), the Jaguars will sign Nick Foles, then draft Taylor to help protect him.  That makes sense, except for the part where I already had the Bucs draft Taylor, rendering that scenario impossible.  Signing Big Dick Nick makes sense, because the Jaguars had to do something about Bortles botching bountiful ballgames if they were ever going to get back to their glory days of, uh, um, uh, almost upsetting New England two years ago, I guess.  If Taylor is gone then the next best O-line prospect is, I’m told by people who pay attention to these things, Alabama OT Jonah Williams.  Off to Jacksonville with you Mr. Williams, and protect Nick’s dick long enough for it to get Jacksonville to the play-offs and then work its magic.

8. Detroit Lions 

Record: 6-10 (.375)

Top Needs:  DE, TE, WR
The pick: Matt Patricia made his bones, (and probably still has a few of them in his beard), as the defensive coordinator for the P*ts, so it’s an easy guess that he’ll lean in to his strength and pick a defensive player with his first pick.  Ziggy Ansah is going to be a free agent, and Detroit being the garden spot of the country that it is it seems highly unlikely that he’ll be back.  Michigan DL Rashan Gary is a local kid who  blew up the combine.  He fills a need and picking him might make the locals forget that they paid Patricia a lot of money to lose one more game than they did the year before.

9. Buffalo Bills 

Top Needs:  OL, WR, TE
Record: 6-10 (.375)
The pick: Everything I read, (OK, skimmed), about the Bills is that this draft is all about helping QB Josh Allen live up to his potential.  Since you can’t draft burning crosses that means the Bills are likely to draft offensive line help or a WR.  I’ve already unloaded the two top O-lineman and the Bills signed three O-lineman in free agency, (and, because why not, Frank Gore), including one of the best available centers in Mitch Morse, so it seems they’ll be better served focusing on WR.  The Bills, who have had a hell of a time in free agency this year, also signed John Brown and Cole Beasely, so they can afford to pair a rookie, Mississippi WR D.K. Metcalf, with that crew and see who Allen can overthrow the most.

10. Denver Broncos 
Record: 6-10 (.375)

Top Needs:  OL, CB, WR
The pick: The Broncos are probably going to take Missouri QB Drew Lock here.  The Broncos love drafting quarterbacks, and they’ve been so good at it lately.  This will no doubt lead to Hippo downing a handful of pills without reading the label and Moose posting any number of gifs that are  illegal in 17 states.  Elway clearly fancies himself a quarterback-whisperer, facts and past results be damned.  They’ve signed noted elite QB and skim-milk aficionado Joe Flacco, so Lock would presumably have the time to develop that he needs, but truth be told the Broncos would be better served picking up one of several remaining high-end defensive prospects.  Trading down would make sense too, except that the teams likely to make such a trade are also the teams likely to do so with the idea of drafting lock or the kid from Duke.

11. Cincinnati Bengals
Record: 6-10 (.375)

Top Needs:  OL, LB, DT
The pick: It’s an odd year, so we know they won’t take a CB!  If he’s still available the Bengals would be ecstatic to draft LSU LB Devin White, since they apparently really need linebackers and he’s a really good one.  So good, in fact, that the only reason he’s still around here is that I don’t know anything about what I’m doing.  There’s a lot of talk that the Broncos would love to get him at the pick above; it would make sense for the Bengals to try to move up a couple of spots to get White, but that would mean Mike Brown spent something and Elway conceded that he was a far better QB than he is at evaluating QBs, and we all know that neither of those things are going to happen.

12. Green Bay Packers
Record: 6-9-1 (.400)

Top Needs:  DE, OL, TE
The pick: The Packers addressed their most pressing need by firing Mike McCarthy’s ass at mid-season.  Hopefully the new guy realizes that, when you have Aaron Rodgers you let Aaron Rodgers run the offense and don’t go back to the run every time you get inside the 5 yard line.  Matt Miller says that the Packers biggest need is an edge rusher.  I don’t know who Matt Miller is, but I do know that the Packers couldn’t press a shirt with the pressure they brought last season, so this makes sense to me.  Walter Football lists the top two available edge rushers still available as Jachai Polite from Florida and Clemson DE Clelin Ferrell.  I’ll go with Ferrell, as Polite had something of a nightmarish combine and probably took himself down several notches, if not entirely out of the first round.

13. Miami Dolphins 
Record: 7-9 (.438)

Top Needs: QB, DE, OL

The pick: The LOLphins are one of the teams considered likely to try to draft up to get a QB.  Apparently they’ve had about as much of Ryan Tannehill as they can stand and will release him if they can’t trade him.  (Editor’s Note:  They in fact traded him to Tennessee). Tannehill had 7 years and never quite developed, so the Dolphins could have probably pried a 1st and a 3rd round pick out of Dan Snyder if they asked nicely.  Pity, that.  Will they reach for a QB like Jones or Lock?  You bet!  The Dolphins take the award for “Reach of the Year” right out of Elway’s grasp and snag Duke QB Daniel Jones as their QB of the future that never quite arrives.

14. Atlanta Falcons 
Record: 7-9 (.438)
Top needs: OL, DL, CB
The pick: The Falcons have spent the last two seasons proving that gravity does exist, particularly when you start your fall from roughly 28′-3″ above the Super Bowl trophy.  They signed two guards in free agency, so let’s assume that they focus their 1st round pick on the defense.  Of course, if the Falcons did what we all assume they would, they’d have run Devonta Freeman up the gut and then kicked a FG, and we all know how that worked out.  Assuming they don’t trade this pick to the Patriots for a barely used air pump, I’ll guess that they address the defensive line and take Houston DT Ed Oliver. 

Unrelated, but “the falcoholic” has my vote for best fan web-site name ever.

15. Arizona Cardinals (from Washington Potato Skins)

Record: 7-9 (.438)
Top needs: QB, OL, WR
The pick: Washington is desperate for a QB and may very well trade this pick to Arizona for the corpse of Josh Rosen’s career.  They could also have moved this pick, and a bunch of others, to move up and grab any of the first four QBs I’ve named above.  In fact I’d consider that likely, if for no other reason than I haven’t picked them to do it, and I’m always wrong about these things.  Fuck it, let’s get crazy!  TRADE!!  TRADE!!  TRADE!!

Hi!

Washington trades this pick to Arizona for Josh Rosen.  Arizona, having drafted Kyler Murray already and hopefully having learned something from watching Rosen get absolutely hammered last year behind an offensive line made out of tissue paper.  They did address their O-line through free agency, but Greg Little OT Mississippi is also standing over there at 6’6″ and 325 lbs. and presumably can get in the way of something, since Walter Football has him as the 3rd ranked offensive-line prospect and the other two are already off the board.

16. Carolina Panthers
Record: 7-9 (.438)
Top needs: DL, OL, LB
The pick: The Panthers signed Matt Paradis at C during free agency, and re-signed Daryl Williams at tackle, so let’s assume they go to the depth of this draft and focus on their defensive line with their first pick.  Mississippi State DE Montez Sweat had a monster combine performance and shot way up draft boards.  He probably won’t even be available here, but if he is, he won’t get past Carolina.  And if he does get past Carolina, (god I’m so bad at this), he probably wouldn’t get past the Giants.

17. New York Giants (From Cleveland) 
Record: 5-11 (.313)
Top needs: OL, DL
The pick: The Gettleman make-over continues!  Assuming the 49ers didn’t get both of the Giants 1st round picks, (and for the sake of the hobos in Scotchy’s neighborhood, let’s hope they didn’t), the Giants can use this pick to draft another DL prospect in a draft that seem to have no limit to them, or reach a bit and try to address their offensive line.  Some think that the Giants will send this pick to Arizona for Rosen, which I think would be a better move than moving up to get Haskins, but I already sent Rosen to Washington so we can’t do that.  Stumped again by my incompetence, the Giants draft Oklahoma G Cody Ford and hope he can keep Eli Manning up past his bed time on a regular basis.

18. Minnesota Vikings 
Record: 8-7-1 (..533)
Top needs: OL, DL, LB
The pick: The Vikings apparently had the “one of the worst offensive lines” in football last year, so it seems a safe bet that they’ll look to upgrade that in the draft.  They’d probably prefer that the Giants trade that #17 pick to Arizona for Chosen Rosen and then take a defensive player at #6, which would allow them to grab Ford.  But we can’t do that here, because it would be morally wrong.  Almost as morally wrong as turning a pleasant cruise on a quiet lake into a crazed sex romp, and no one would ever do that.  Certainly not in Minnesota.  Washington State OT Andre Dillard is, to quote Walter Football, a “love-hate prospect”, with some people thinking he’s at best a 3rd-4th round pick and other people being so impressed by his combine performance that they’re willing to overlook things like his “handwork and technique” being a “mess at times” and take him higher than he should.

19. Tennessee Titans 
Record: 9-7 (.563)
Top needs: DL, LB, OL
The pick: If Florida DE Jachai Polite is still here at 19 he won’t be for long, as the Titans will politely run up to the podium to announce the pick themselves.

See what I did there?  Polite?  Politely?  If you liked that, please tune into my soon to be released podcast, Does He Ever Shut The Fuck Up?

The answer, of course, is no.

20. Pittsburgh Steelers 
Record: 9-6-1 (.600)
Top needs: WR, CB, intensive group therapy, LB
The pick: The Steelers managed to lose one of the best RBs in the game and one of the best WRs in the game as both Bell and Brown basically forced their way out of town.  Fortunately the Steelers still employ Ben Rothlisberger, so forcing their way into things shouldn’t be a problem.  They’ve already replaced Bell with James Connor, who did well enough last year for Pittsburgh to move on from Bell without much regret, and JuJu Smith-Schuster seems poised to take over from Brown, so the Steelers probably don’t need to get another WR immediately.  Most mock drafts seem to have them doing so, but this isn’t most mock drafts:  this draft is wildly inaccurate!  It says so right in the title!  Based on that, and based on the Steelers needing a CB and me letting LSU CB Greedy Williams, (#20 as a pick, #1 as a name!), slip probably way too far, I’ll end his imaginary slide in Pittsburgh.  Welcome to the asylum, Greedy.

Record: 10-6 (.625)
Top needs: S, DE, OL
The pick:  Earl Thomas took his considerable talents, and middle-finger, to Baltimore, (and not Dallas, because Dallas sucks at free agency), so the Seatruthers probably need to replace him.  Alabama S Deionte Thompson has been linked to Seattle a great deal and what the hell, makes as much sense as anything else I’ve typed.

22. Baltimore Ravens
Record: 10-6 (.625)
Top needs: OL, WR, DL
The pick: I’m torn between the Ravens taking a WR or a RB to take some of the pressure, and beating, away from newly anointed QB Lamar Jackson.  Jackson doesn’t strike me as much of a thrower, so I’ll stick a good RB prospect in the backfield with him in Alabama (incidentally I am saying ‘Alabama’ in Keith Jackson’s voice every time I type it, and now you are too) RB Josh Jacobs.  As is pointed out here, the Ravens haven’t taken a RB this high since drafting Ray Rice in the 2nd round in 2008.  Janay Rice would like to apologize for her role in that, and is grateful that the streak ends here.

23. Houston Texans 
Record: 11-5 (.688)
Top needs: OL, CB, RB
The skinny: Here’s a handy list of various mock drafts for the Texans, a team that supposedly exists, in which every single one of the offensive line prospects is someone I’ve already assigned to another team, as is one of the CBs.  I know I’m an idiot, but I really don’t see any of those offensive linemen being available at 23, so if the Texans want one of them they need to trade up.  The one name of the five that I don’t already have assigned is Washington CB Byron Murphy, so hey, guess who’s coming to dinner?

24. Oakland Raiders (from Chicago for Khalil Mack) 
Record: Still 4-12 (.250)
Top needs: DE, CB, WR
The pick: The Raiders took Bosa with their first pick, they traded and 3rd and a 5th for Antonio Brown, and they signed OT Trent Brown, (who everyone at WEEI is convinced is going to be a bust because he is “nawt a fahckin Patriaht anymowah!”, and they might be right, but he’ll be a rich bust), and signed DB Lamarcus Joyner, so really, their needs are all addressed and they can sit back, count their upcoming Super Bowl rings, and get started on packing for that move to Las Vegas.  It’s very important to get started early on a move like that, because we all know that if you leave it until the last minute they’re aren’t going to be any trucks available and you’re gonna have to split one with a buddy who’s also moving that day and then you’re at it until 2 am and the baby’s crying and the wife is mad and…

Just me?  Moving on then.

Well, they’ve gotta draft someone.  They might lose Jared Cook to free agency, so top-rated Iowa TE T.J. Hockenson makes as much sense as anything else.  This is probably the pick I’m most likely to change in Version 2.0, as Hockenson is getting some real love in the newer mock drafts, and I’ve just been ignoring it.

Record: 9-7 (.563)
Top needs: DE, CB, RB
The pick:  The general consensus among Eagles fan sites seems to be that a) D cell batteries makes the best projectiles, b) Mark Wahlberg is too Boston to really have captured the nuances of Vince Papale, c) Rocky totally woulda kicked Ali’s ass, d)  Bill Burr was right about them, and e) Delaware S Nassir Adderly would be an ideal addition to Jim Schwartz’s defense.

26. Indianapolis Colts
Record: 10-6 (.625)
Top needs: DL, WR, CB
The pick: I completely forgot about Clemson DT Christian Wilkins until just now.  That’s probably not going to happen in a real draft run by non-morons, but if it did, the Colts would probably take him.

27. Oakland Raiders (from Dallas for Amari Cooper) 
Record: It ain’t gonna change no matter how many picks they have.  4-12 (.250)
Top needs: DE, CB, WR
The pick: Well shit.  What’s next for the Oakland (For The Moment) Raiders?  They’ve grabbed a top DE prospect, signed Antonio Brown, picked up a TE for no reason other than that I needed to put the poor guy some place.  I’m told they need a cornerback and Georgia CB DeAndre Baker has probably slid far enough at this point.

28. Whale’s Vagina Chargers 
Record: 12-4 (.750)
Top needs: LB, DT, OT
The pick: You know who else has slid far enough at this point?  Michigan LB Devin Bush, and if he does drop this far he won’t get past San Diego.

Yeah that’s right, I said ‘San Diego’.  You can move your team wherever you want Spanos; these femurs are staying right where the good Lord intended.  OH YEAH!!!

Record: 12-4 (.750)
Top needs: S, CB, RB(that doesn’t kick women)
The pick: The Chiefs traded Dee Ford, lost Kareem Hunt to domestic violence and seem poised to lose Tyreek Hill to the same, lost Andy Reid to a buffet, and released Justin Houston when their defense was ass most of last year.  They seem like they’re kind of screwed, frankly.  They also lost center Mitch Morse to the Bills.  I don’t know anything about him, but I read that he was really good, so it sounds like the Chiefs could use a new center.  NC State C Garrett Bradbury is a good one, and his combine was apparently good enough for teams to start looking at him as a late-first rounder rather than a second-rounder.  Also I get to throw our NC State fan base a bone.

30. Green Bay Packers (from New Orleans)
Record: 6-9-1 (.400)
Top needs: DE, OL, TE
The pick: Jimmy Graham’s statistics have been trailing off the last four years, something that even I, a person who does not watch basketball, knows is probably not a good sign.  When Aaron Rodgers is your QB it would behoove you to keep him happy, and nothing makes a QB happier than a reliable outlet at tight end.  SHUT UP, IT’S A LEGITIMATE FOOTBALL ANALYSIS AND NOT A RODGERS JOKE!!!  Anyhoo, some rank Iowa TE Noah Fant as the #1 tight end in the draft, (oddly Hockenson, his teammate, won all the TE awards this season), so he seems like a good pick for the Packers.  No word on his basketball skills.  And with that pick, of course

31. Los Angeles Rams 
Record: 13-3 (.813)
Top needs: LB, S, DT
The pick: What the Rams seem to be most in need of is a head coach who doesn’t freeze up at the most crucial moments.  Christ I’ve seen opossum in headlights with quicker reactions than those McVay displayed during the Super Bowl.  I’m not sure why they’re listed as needing help at three defensive spots; the defense held the Patriots to 13 points.  Gurley apparently has significant trouble with his knee, so a running back would be ideal.  The trouble is that the only RB rated as a 1st round talent, Jacobs, is likely to be long gone by 31.  The Rams don’t have a pick in the 2nd or 3rd round this year.  My guess is that they try to trade this pick for a mid-2nd and maybe a 3rd, but if you think I’m going to do the research on who would do that with them you’re out of your mind.  I will say that the Rams draft Alabama RB Damian Harris, just maybe not here.

Record: 11-5 (.688)
Top needs: WR, DT, TE
The pick:  It doesn’t matter, does it?  It’s St. Patrick’s Day and this is the last thing I need to do before getting into the liquor cabinet so you know what the Pats are gonna do?  They’re going to draft a leprechaun and he’s going to show up with a pot of gold and six more Lombardi trophies, that’s what they’re gonna do, and Brady and Belichek are gonna live forever and keep winning Super Bowls until someone can trick the leprechaun into saying “Deflategate” backwards.