Hi all, blaxabbath here. As many of you may remember, I knocked out an interstate move here in July and it was actually pretty daunting. But we made it here, got all set up, and now I’m totally checking off priorities to get down to offseason [DFO]ing. And what’s more offseason than non-NFL television posts? Well, Crimebeat! but it’s already got a thing. And while Battlebots or CFL nonsense may earn weekly recaps, ABC’s hit reality show, The Bachelorette, I feel deserves only a season finale preview. So set your alarms not for the two-night season finale Monday and Tuesday of next week.

For those of you who do not know, the current version of The Bachelorette is where a bunch of bros and a dude who looks like a tall Russell Wilson are chasing a Miss America contestant for an engagement. I know what your first questions is and, yes, they do have some black contestants — they’re just more likely to land a spot in Trump’s Cabinet than ever make it to Fantasy Suites with ABC’s southern belle, Hannah Brown.

Big picture point is this — I’m tired and suburbia is chilling me out. It’s great. And one of the things about my relationship with the Mrs is that she won’t watch television that just I like but I’ll watch pretty much all her bad TV.

The opposite is strangely true for movies.

But back to the show. There have been like 15 seasons of the Bachelorette and, I assume, something similar for Bachelor. This is the first full season (less the first episode — I can’t even hate-watch the premier where all the guys show up one-by-one and meet Hannah) I’ve watched, having been introduced to the series by my wife midway though The Bachelor last….whenever it was on. The way ABC works it, you’ve got The Bachelor (which was Colton) and he has like 25 women that he pairs down week-by-week until he ends with proposing to just one them. Then the network takes one of the losers and makes her the next Bachelorette. She subsequently gets 25 male contestants and the cycle repeats. There’s more to it than this but now you all get this gist. I mean, it’s reality television. The suitors share a mansion, sit around having wine and talking about their own internal bro drama, and speak directly to the camera in confessionals about Hannah, other contestants, and ‘getting a rose’, as receiving a rose is how a contestant moves on the next round.

A little about Hannah Brown, this season’s Bachelorette. Prior to television fame, she was a ROLL TIDE Communications graduate and 2018 Miss Alabama. That’s it. She’s a pageant girl. Well, according to People, “Brown also worked as a freelance makeup artist and hairstylist, and interior decorator at Gracefully Done in her hometown of Northport, Alabama.”

And look, I know we do a lot of “one hair out of place, would not bang” nonsense around here (statistically, at least a few of you bang dudes) but I will say this, Hannah is a pro. She’s got all the right sayings down about how she is a strong woman (while crying all the time), who is smart (while saying dumb stuff all the time), wants a career (though she cannot articulate any specifics about what that career may be) and can take care of herself (while constantly breaking down). So — and maybe this is credit to her agent and/or the editing team at ABC — there has been no “the Iraq and such” moments for her. Don’t get me wrong — she’s definitely superdumb but they do a nice job of editing so they just seem like some gaffs.

For of those of you who haven’t watched, the structure of the show is such that there are group and one-on-one dates in/around L.A. as they separate out the chaff in the first few weeks. There is this specific dynamic where Hannah seemingly cannot say no to like conversing with guys. So much of the drama between the guys is that, you know, Hannah will be over talking privately with a dude and then another will pop in and be like, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” and she can’t really say no. So the guys sort of have these passive-aggressive negotiations where the issue of fairness in competition effectively comes up. More on this later.

After the first couple cuts, all remaining contestants travel with Hannah wherever (I think they went to Thailand this year) and continue “building their relationships” there. Each episode there’s like one or two guys who are selected (seemingly by Hannah) to a one-on-one date where they bungee jump or ride quads or something and then have like a romantic evening where they talk and we get to find about, you know, sharing tragic life moments or talking about how they feel. One-on-ones are really gold because that’s, first, where you should be able to score a rose to get you through to the next round and, second, if you have a good one-on-one early on, you’re going to remain safe for a couple more episodes if you just keep your nose clean because she’ll just let the other guys trip up as they get desperate for their one-on-ones/time to win over Hannah.

Anyways, Hannah was a strong front-runner for Bachelor Colton when she was a contestant. She got dropped by him in an airplane hanger after taking her home to meet his family though. So she was a pretty obvious choice to be this season’s Bachelorette. As we are down to the finale now, I’d like to share with you where we are at, how we got there, and what to expect. But before I do (I know this piece is nothing but a bunch of tangents already), I’d like to just say that the rise of commentary on the Bachelor/Bachelorette is insufferable. There’s blogs, fantasy leagues, and youtube reaction videos out the ass talking about this show. But here’s the deal — it’s all about the editing. The entire series is filmed and completed (meaning she chose her winner months ago) before the premier airs. It’s not scripted (parts obviously are) but it’s not far from it. In fact, the editing is exactly what makes it such compelling television.

So here’s where we sit heading into the weekend. Contestant Luke P. was a strong front-runner the entirety of the season because (as the show portrays it), he’s completely toxic but she has a connection (read: wet panties) with him. The entire show, up through last Monday’s The Men Tell All episode, was Luke P. versus the rest of the guys. At one point even body slamming Luke S. away from the play during a rugby game. Just watch the first thirty seconds of the below clip (Luke is in the royal blue) and you’ll totally see how (1) he talks in circles like Kellyanne Conway; and (2) how easily southerners will totally fall for someone who talks in circles like Kellyanne Conway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-7dNQRrZ-c

Anyways, Luke ended up finally leaving (or so we’re told) and now the three remaining guys are Peter the pilot; Jed the aspiring country musician; and Tyler (I don’t know what he does but he’s just some bro). I assume the two-night finale will be pairing it down to two guys on Monday and then an hour-long, “who will she choose?” on Tuesday.

Alright, so I think that’s enough for now. We’ll get into the details on Monday.