Good Tuesday to you, reprobates! Hopefully the young week finds you in fine spirits, or at least drinking them.
ACTUAL NFL NEWS!
*The Chicago Bears and New England Patriots have consummated a trade! Notable first-round bust N’Keal Harry is exiting stage-left in exchange for a 2024 seventh-round pick. IMPLICATIONS ABOUND!
-This is about as close to trading a guy for a bag of balls as you can get in the NFL. Not just a seventh rounder, but a seventh rounder two drafts from now.
-The aforementioned bag-of-balls-guy will actually probably contend for a starting job in Chicago, whose top 4 receivers right now are Darnell Mooney, Byron Pringle, Velus Jones Jr. and Equanimeous St. Brown.
-Justin Fields has just got to be seething at this point, right? To quote the immortal Ted Buckland, “C’mmmoooon! Even a good lawyer couldn’t win this case!”
-This does hint that Belichick intends to coach until at least 2024, as he once again begins stockpiling late-round prospects.
*Danny Snyder has sort of potentially agreed to maybe testify in front of the House of Representatives about what a complete shitball he is! He’s offered to testify via video, presumably so he can fake technical difficulties if the questions get Too Real. The Committee has decided to subpoena him so that he cannot use any of the dodges available to one who has appeared voluntarily (i.e. claiming NDA prohibits voluntary disclosure of facts or deciding to un-volunteer at your discretion).
*The Texans are debuting an EXCITING NEW HELMET COLOR!
Does it look stupid, like they fucked up the Photoshop by failing to resize the logo? Yes. However, I give them credit: the increased visibility will probably do more to help Davis Mills progress as a quarterback than anything the Bears or Niners have done to help his 2021 Draft classmates.
*Seattle has reportedly had “internal discussions” about trading for 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo. I can construct only one reasonable scenario where this could happen:
1. Pete Carroll decides he has no interest in a rebuilding project centered around next year’s rookie QB, and GM John Schneider decides he wants to retire at age 52 to become a TV talking head.
2. Accordingly, they decide to Thelma & Louise the Seahawks (the ride-or-die part, not the drive-off-a-cliff part) by trading a 2024 first rounder for Jimmy and his $24 million base salary.
3. The Niners agree, because they know they a. can’t keep Lance on the bench for another year, and b. won’t seriously contend for at least a year if they do commit to starting Lance and letting him work his game out.
4. Also, $24 million.
It would take an amount of testicular fortitude that we’ve not seen out of either party to pull this off, and would still probably end up in the full Thelma & Louise for the Seahawks (the driving off the cliff part this time). But right now they are staring down the barrel of a Geno Smith Starting in the NFL Again shotgun, so perhaps drastic measures are necessary.
WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH:
No movie this week. I’m half way through Obi Wan, and it’s balanced precariously on the edge of Incredible Disappointment. I persevere, but I can’t afford to be distracted by thinking about what else I should watch.
Instead, you will get my Highly Scientific Survey of What Kind of Meat Would Various NFL Players Be:
-Zach Wilson: veal
-Aaron Donald: kobe beef
-Carson Wentz: possum found on the side of the highway
-Von Miller: chicken he raised in his backyard coop
-Tom Brady: Spam
-Josh Allen: that giant steak with the rib still attached that looks like it came out of the Flintstones
-Joe Flacco: boiled chicken
-DeShaun Watson: scrapple that was left out in the rain. And then a dog came and shit on it.
-Jimmy Haslam: the dogshit.
-Jack Easterby: communion wafer
-Dan Snyder: the watery run-off from the scrapple-dogshit pile mentioned above.
-Bill Belichick: baby, the Forbidden White Meat.
Have at it, you maniacs.
My first ever dfo post was Geno Smith getting punched in the face.
Nighty night!
Reds: “Redshirt. Reeedshiiiiirrrrt.”
Redshirt: “Go away! You’ll hurt me again!”
Reds: “We’ve won five in a row!”
Redshirt: “Not biting.”
Reds: “We beat the Yankees in New York in the 9th Inning.”
Redshirt: “After eight innings of nothing!”
Reds: “See, you do care.”
Redshirt: “Please hurry, Bengals.”
Bengals: “Its almost Pre-Season. Hang in there!”
Reds: “Heh, this is a twist. Its usually fans looking forward to Spring Training to save them from you guys. Now its the opposite.”
Bengals: “I know, its kind of nice in a weird sort of way.”
Beating the Yanks with Judge trying to pinch hit in the 9th, but striking out, is the best.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WajEW5HPnuw
We are watching a new Korean show that is basically “what if Ally McBeal was autistic?”
Alternately, “what if The Good Doctor was a lawyer?”
If you like Retard Doctor you’ll LOVE Retard Lawyer! Tonight on CBS
Geno staying with the Ice Stillers! Yinz are free to raid my liquor cabinet to celebrate!
Now where did they find that money?
Touche.
YAYYYYY!!!!
I just had a ginormous piece of cake
Really don’t like being compared to Tom Brady.
But I really DO like the Elmo gif.
You wouldn’t be saying that if the reason they were comparing you to him was that you had both banged Bridget Moynahan *and* Gisele Bundschen.
True…sadly, I’ve only had one.
Business end of half of a quad 40mm Bofors shipboard anti-aircraft gun. Bofors was a Swiss artillery dealer who sold weapons to both sides in WWII.
Bofors c. 1942 (artist concept)
CORRECTION: Bofors was Swedish, not Swiss. Now part of BAE Systems.
Been watching the World Games and the ladies and men’s lacrosse sixes format. Different than field and box but I’ll watch any lacrosse, so it’s a good watch.
Stream on olympics.com if interested and tis free
And the old lady with the bra from my avatar no longer waves the bra around after goals. I blame covid
“To retreat and cower” — official motto of the Uvalde Police Dept.
To be fair, they only do that when there’s an armed psycho slaughtering children. They will absolutely advance and threaten if they have numbers on a homeless guy in a wheelchair.
“protect and serve” was never anything more than a marketing slogan for the LAPD. Constitutionally they have no obligation to do any such thing.
Decided when I was 2 months old! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_v._District_of_Columbia
And yet the cast of Seinfeld got thrown into jail for not doing anything.
They aren’t cops, society has higher moral expectations
LAPD? I thought it was more for Trojans.
So, I’m not gonna watch the Danny testimony live. I don’t ever wanna see his bits and I suspect there’s a very real possibility he thinks it’s a power move to teabag the webcam during congressional testimony
So I find myself talking to a drunk beaver when suddenly it says to me that beaver pussy is the finest furburger in all of the land, so I said,
“Oh yeah? prove it’
I would like to take a moment to apologize to all the beavers I may have offended in the past for you are truly majestic.
Were you chasing beaver?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvtPuWtmNPM
That’s hilarioUs!
So I’m watching Jackass 4.5 and found it really interesting that when their elephant gun sketch was interrupted (by a porta-potty explosion prank) the film crew actually took it very seriously – came in running “gun is HOT” and handled it properly even though the thing only shot tennis balls. Comparing that with the set of Rust where apparently they were basically just juggling loaded guns left and right.
I would think the Jackass film crew would have to be more attuned to danger than most.
Given that the only time any one of them has died was a unrelated drunk driving accident, I think it’s pretty fair to say that they are SPECTACULAR at their jobs.
Also re: Obi Wan. It was good popcorn TV. Not great, but not terrible. It’s not the writer’s fault it’s hard to create tension for characters you know survive.
Also young Leia is annoying as fuck.
Notable first-round bust N’Keal Harry
He was such a bust that I dont think he was taken in the bust mock draft on Monday
Just not even that interesting.
A French 42 pounder gun of 1786 stands by to blow the shit out of anyone who comes through that front door:
“Oh, merde!”
-Ashlee Lapin, around the same time
Nice composition, did you take it?
Yep, today. U.S. Navy Museum in Washington.
Come to Baltimore this weekend
You’re in DC right now? Is there a VFW in town you get cheap drinks at?
Billy Mitchell Post #85 American Legion
Best bar in Clarendon!
That’s the “Bucket of Beers”: 6 cans domestic for $5
I was originally flying back to L.A. this Saturday but now I’m not but I might be in upstate New York this weekend but maybe not so if I’m here I might go to Baltimore.
Also American Legion Post #8 on Capitol Hill is great. They close when they feel like it and on weekends they usually don’t feel like it. That’s where all the bar staffs go after hours. Just a few blocks from The Capitol.
Great shot
There is so much good tv out right now that I don’t see the need to waste time on the marvel studios overreaches. Moon Knight sucked? Great, that time was better spent on Hacks. Obi Wan is disappointing? New episodes of Only Murders in the Building season two, and I haven’t even started The Bear yet (and Letterkenny in the queue as well).
THIS! So. Many. Times. What is the dumb fucking sheep-watching appeal of all projects Marvel? It’s ridiculous/hilarious.
I work on that marvel studios crap because it doesn’t make itself.
That’s wonderful and completely unrelated to my comment.
It’s very related. I need those dumb fucking sheep to keep watching that crap.
I get it-pics of planes in museums don’t pay the bills.
Obi Wan wasn’t that bad. It had lulls but the few good parts made up for the bad.
Moon Knight: Don’t Know. Don’t Care. The MCU is a trainwreck. Just doing movies and shows just to make money. No plan for anything. Either they are bidding time for X-Men and Fantastic Four or they are screwed.
They actually approached us about filming a scene from Hacks at my home.
The one where Jean Smart tries to tell jokes over incessant vacuuming?
Better Call Saul started off its final season in epic fashion last night.
/watching “42”
Harrison Ford doing a great job as “The Magical Caucasian”.
They released footage of the shooting in Uvalde. It’s extra rage inducing. I never want to see or hear the dick riding of cops ever again.
I’ve got some bad news for you…
Reminds me of this
https://youtu.be/SNVj59B_sLE
Those cops are worse than those who do bad stuff and lie for each other. At least the dirty cops actually do something.
And that’s the first positive thing I’ve said about dirty cops.
Jon Gruden: a Ty Cobb Salad.
John Mara: a dry-aged striploin that is long past its expiry date.
Kate can’t ascend to the owner’s box fast enough!
I’ve heard good things about her ability to shoulder responsibility.
Was that too obvious? It was too obvious, right?
oh no, it hit the sweet spot PHRASING!!
Jonathan Taylor: the finest cut from a bell cow
Obi Wan is much like the first couple books in the Harry Potter series – you have to constantly remind yourself that it is meant to be watched and enjoyed by children (and Eli Manning). As long as you can make peace with that, it’s without question one of the most adequate television shows you’ll see this year.
FIVE STAR MAN!!!!
/also, I think Petey likes Janeane’s experience handing the ball off 40+ times a game
It brings me so much joy to see the incredibly accomplished Old Billy Boy Belichick flub on yet another draft pick and move on from him for next to nothing in return.