Rum, Simile and the Lash: NFL Meats Edition (and Tuesday Open Thread)

Good Tuesday to you, reprobates! Hopefully the young week finds you in fine spirits, or at least drinking them.

ACTUAL NFL NEWS!

*The Chicago Bears and New England Patriots have consummated a trade! Notable first-round bust N’Keal Harry is exiting stage-left in exchange for a 2024 seventh-round pick.  IMPLICATIONS ABOUND!

-This is about as close to trading a guy for a bag of balls as you can get in the NFL. Not just a seventh rounder, but a seventh rounder two drafts from now.

-The aforementioned bag-of-balls-guy will actually probably contend for a starting job in Chicago, whose top 4 receivers right now are Darnell Mooney, Byron Pringle, Velus Jones Jr. and Equanimeous St. Brown.

-Justin Fields has just got to be seething at this point, right? To quote the immortal Ted Buckland, “C’mmmoooon! Even a good lawyer couldn’t win this case!”

-This does hint that Belichick intends to coach until at least 2024, as he once again begins stockpiling late-round prospects.

*Danny Snyder has sort of potentially agreed to maybe testify in front of the House of Representatives about what a complete shitball he is!  He’s offered to testify via video, presumably so he can fake technical difficulties if the questions get Too Real.  The Committee has decided to subpoena him so that he cannot use any of the dodges available to one who has appeared voluntarily (i.e. claiming NDA prohibits voluntary disclosure of facts or deciding to un-volunteer at your discretion).

*The Texans are debuting an EXCITING NEW HELMET COLOR!

Does it look stupid, like they fucked up the Photoshop by failing to resize the logo? Yes.  However, I give them credit: the increased visibility will probably do more to help Davis Mills progress as a quarterback than anything the Bears or Niners have done to help his 2021 Draft classmates.

*Seattle has reportedly had “internal discussions” about trading for 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.  I can construct only one reasonable scenario where this could happen:

1. Pete Carroll decides he has no interest in a rebuilding project centered around next year’s rookie QB, and GM John Schneider decides he wants to retire at age 52 to become a TV talking head.

2. Accordingly, they decide to Thelma & Louise the Seahawks (the ride-or-die part, not the drive-off-a-cliff part) by trading a 2024 first rounder for Jimmy and his $24 million base salary.

3. The Niners agree, because they know they a. can’t keep Lance on the bench for another year, and b. won’t seriously contend for at least a year if they do commit to starting Lance and letting him work his game out.

4. Also, $24 million.

It would take an amount of testicular fortitude that we’ve not seen out of either party to pull this off, and would still probably end up in the full Thelma & Louise for the Seahawks (the driving off the cliff part this time).  But right now they are staring down the barrel of a Geno Smith Starting in the NFL Again shotgun, so perhaps drastic measures are necessary.

WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH:

No movie this week. I’m half way through Obi Wan, and it’s balanced precariously on the edge of Incredible Disappointment.  I persevere, but I can’t afford to be distracted by thinking about what else I should watch.

Instead, you will get my Highly Scientific Survey of What Kind of Meat Would Various NFL Players Be:

-Zach Wilson: veal

-Aaron Donald: kobe beef

-Carson Wentz: possum found on the side of the highway

-Von Miller: chicken he raised in his backyard coop

-Tom Brady: Spam

-Josh Allen: that giant steak with the rib still attached that looks like it came out of the Flintstones

-Joe Flacco: boiled chicken

-DeShaun Watson: scrapple that was left out in the rain. And then a dog came and shit on it.

-Jimmy Haslam: the dogshit.

-Jack Easterby: communion wafer

-Dan Snyder: the watery run-off from the scrapple-dogshit pile mentioned above.

-Bill Belichick: baby, the Forbidden White Meat.

Have at it, you maniacs.