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Two of us made ballsy picks while the other two sat on the sidelines and enjoyed their Thanksgiving. Who has two thumbs and was the idiot of the bunch?
Balls of Steel
First off, YOU ARE FUCKING WELCOME! Yes, I picked the Pats to win and they ended up losing to the Brockos (I should trademark that. Fuck you, Redskins!). I should clarify that Sunday night’s game was simply a case of schadenfreude and NOT an early coming of Pats Schadenfreude Day. That can ONLY happen after the Pats are eliminated from the playoffs. Like the women in the commercials say, don’t celebrate prematurely.
As for the picks, if I was in Vegas, I would absolutely bet the shit out a two-team money-line parlay with the Bengals and the Patriots. They are both 9.5 favorites but should really be much higher. That’s about as rock solid as it gets in today’s NFL. Sadly, we can’t do that here as we are locked into betting the spread. Seeing as I have to get back up after my sacrifice, I will go back to the well. I refuse to live in a world where the New York Jets are any good. The Giants usually bounce back after playing horribly and they are somehow still in the race for the NFC East. I say the Locker Room Hallway Battle goes to Big Blue. Take the Giants plus the 2.5. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
You know what? The whole non-Patriot AFC East division is a fraud. I’m going to bet against them this week. Take the Ravens plus 4 against the Dolphins and the Texans plus 3.5 against the Bills. Stakes are $11 to win $10 for both games.
WhyEaglesWhy
I sat out last week because I had a Thanksgiving weekend getaway with Lady WEW, but I’m pretty happy about it because I would have gotten killed. Let’s see if we can do any better this week.
REDSKINS -4.5 over Cowboys – The Redskins are fighting for the division (I can’t imagine reading that back in September) and the Cowboys are fighting for the #1 pick, which they’ll probably trade for Johnny Football and a bag of magic beans. The Skins will romp. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Broncos -4 over CHARGERS – Is this a joke? Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Seahawks PK over VIKINGS – The Seahawks offense is heating up, and that will counteract how average their defense is. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
TITANS -2.5 over Jaguars – The Titans are half-decent, and the Jags, while they looked half-decent for a while, are verging on shitty again. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Eagles +9.5 over PATRIOTS – I know. I know. I’m going to look like a king or a fool. But listen. The Pats have NO skill players left. This line is designed to take advantage of the fact that nobody really knows or cares about this. But I think the Eagles’ defense can cover Brandon LaFell and whoever the Pats drag out of a corner bar to play opposite him. Also, because the Eagles are in the NFC East, they actually have one last chance to get into the race. The Eagles have more motivation here, and they can’t possibly be that terrible for a fourth week in a row. Look, they’re not going to win. But I can totally see them staying within a touchdown. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
DTZM
S
King Hippo
For the first time all season, I don’t have to look over my imaginary shoulder for imaginary thugs comin’ to break my imaginary fuckin’ legs. Hippo in the black, yo! And hey, that is the one muthaflippin’ time this racialist shitburger world uses BLACK with a good connotation. RAISE YO’ FIST and keep on bettin’!
VIKINGS pick ’em over Seahawks. You’ve gotta be kidding me. This is in Minnesota. The Vikings are the better team. This should be at least a 4 point spread, and it’s a pick ’em. This is like stealing. Bet $55 to win $50.
PATRIOTS -9.5 over Eagles. I don’t know how many points you would have to give me to take the “how obvi do we need to lay down before Chip and his man boobs hit the road” Kelly against a supremely pissed off New England IN fucking Foxboro? Not sure, but it’s a helluva lot more than 9.5. Bet $22 to win $20.
GIANTS +2.5 over Jets. Two rules of nature are in play. The Jets can only experience so much success, and the NFC East can only get so settled. Thusly, the G-Men need to win this game, regardless of how cromulent they’ve looked of late. J-E-T-S looked deceptively good last week, but remember that was the fucking Dolphins. Bet $22 to win $20.
Colts +7 over STEELERS. Your quarterbacking ways seem to vex the oddsmakers, English. Bet $11 to win $10.
Name Balls of Steel Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | San Diego |
Detroit | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 210.00 |
| 2 | Minnesota | San Francisco | 2.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Tennessee | Cleveland | 1 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | NY Jets | Philly | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Indianapolis | Tennessee | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 207.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | Tennessee | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 227.00 |
| 10 | Green Bay | St. Louis | 9 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 216.00 |
| 11 | St. Louis | Cleveland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 205.00 |
| 12 | Arizona | Baltimore | 7.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 194.00 |
| 13 | New England | Miami | 8 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 183.00 |
| 14 | Kansas City | Detroit | 5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 172.00 |
| 15 | Minnesota | Chicago | 1.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 182.00 |
| 16 | Pittsburgh | Oakland | 4 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 202.00 |
| 17 | Washington | New Orleans | PK | 11 | N | -11.00 | 191.00 |
| 18 | New England | NY Giants | 7 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 201.00 |
| 19 | Miami | Dallas | PK | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 211.00 |
| 20 | Seattle | San Francisco | 12.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 200.00 |
| 21 | New England | Buffalo | 7 | 11 | PUSH | 0 | 200.00 |
| 22 | New England | Denver | 3 | 55 | N | -55.00 | 145.00 |
| 23 | NY Jets | NY Giants | 2.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 134.00 | |
| 24 | Miami | Baltimore | 4 | 11 | -11.00 | 123.00 | |
| 25 | Buffalo | Houston | 3 | 11 | -11.00 | 112.00 |
Name WhyEaglesWhy Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Houston | Kansas City | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Carolina | Houston | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | NY Giants | Atlanta | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Cleveland | Oakland | 3.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Miami | Buffalo | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 228.00 |
| 8 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Philadelphia | New Orleans | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 10 | Arizona | Detroit | 2.5 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 226.00 |
| 11 | Houston | Indianapolis | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 236.00 |
| 12 | New England | Indianapolis | 7.5 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 214.00 |
| 13 | Philadelphia | NY Giants | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 203.00 |
| 14 | St. Louis | Cleveland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 192.00 |
| 15 | Miami | Houston | 4 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 202.00 |
| 16 | Washington | Tampa Bay | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 191.00 |
| 17 | Kansas City | Detroit | 5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 180.00 |
| 18 | Minnesota | Chicago | 1.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 169.00 |
| 19 | New Orleans | NY Giants | 3 | 11 | Push | 0 | 169.00 |
| 20 | Pittsburgh | Cincinnati | PK | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 179.00 |
| 21 | Baltimore | San Diego | 3.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 189.00 |
| 22 | Atlanta | San Francisco | 7 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 178.00 |
| 23 | New York Giants | Tampa Bay | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 188.00 |
| 24 | San Diego | Chicago | 4 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 25 | Oakland | Minnesota | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 26 | Seattle | Arizona | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 27 | Miami | Dallas | PK | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 238.00 |
| 28 | Washington | Dallas | 4.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 227.00 | |
| 29 | Denver | San Diego | 4 | 11 | -11.00 | 216.00 | |
| 30 | Seattle | Minnesota | PK | 11 | -11.00 | 205.00 | |
| 31 | Tennessee | Jacksonville | 2.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 194.00 | |
| 32 | New England | Philadelphia | 9.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 183.00 |
Name King Hippo Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Green Bay | Chicago | 7 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 178.00 |
| 2 | Cincinnati | Oakland | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 3 | New England | Buffalo | 1 | 55 | Y | 50.00 | 217.00 |
| 4 | New England | Jacksonville | 13.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 5 | Seattle | Chicago | 14.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 195.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 55 | N | -55.00 | 140.00 |
| 7 | Atlanta | Washington | 7 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 160.00 |
| 8 | Tampa Bay | Jacksonville | 3 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 138.00 |
| 9 | Denver | Oakland | 4.5 | 33 | N | -33.00 | 105.00 |
| 10 | New England | Indianapolis | 7.5 | 44 | N | -44.00 | 61.00 |
| 11 | Atlanta | New Orleans | 3.5 | 33 | Y | 30.00 | 91.00 |
| 12 | Seattle | Carolina | 7 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 111.00 |
| 13 | Carolina | Philadelphia | 3 | 33 | Y | 30.00 | 141.00 |
| 14 | Houston | Tennessee | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 130.00 |
| 15 | Seattle | Dallas | 6 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 140.00 |
| 16 | Atlanta | Tampa Bay | 7 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 150.00 |
| 17 | Kansas City | Detroit | 5 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 128.00 |
| 18 | Pittsburgh | Oakland | 4 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 138.00 |
| 19 | Cincinnati | Cleveland | 11.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 127.00 |
| 20 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 2.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 116.00 |
| 21 | Baltimore | Jacksonville | 5.5 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 136.00 |
| 22 | Green Bay | Detroit | 11.5 | 33 | N | -33.00 | 103.00 |
| 23 | Jacksonville | Tennessee | 3 | 33 | Y | 30.00 | 133.00 |
| 24 | Atlanta | Indianapolis | 5.5 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 153.00 |
| 25 | New England | Buffalo | 7 | 33 | PUSH | 0.00 | 153.00 |
| 26 | Dallas | Carolina | 1.5 | 153 | Y | 139.00 | 292.00 |
| 27 | Seattle | Minnesota | PK | 55 | -55.00 | 237.00 | |
| 28 | New England | Philadelphia | 9.5 | 22 | -22.00 | 215.00 | |
| 29 | New York Jets | NY Giants | 2.5 | 22 | -22.00 | 193.00 | |
| 30 | Pittsburgh | Indianapolis | 7 | 11 | -11.00 | 182.00 |
Name Darkest Timeline Zack Morris Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Seattle | St. Louis | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 178.00 |
| 3 | Baltimore | Oakland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 4 | New Orleans | Tampa | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 156.00 |
| 5 | Indianapolis | Jacksonville | 9 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 176.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 165.00 |
| 7 | Cincinnati | Kansas City | 5.5 | 55 | N | -55 | 110.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | NY Giants | 4.5 | 22 | Y | 20 | 130.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 119.00 |
| 10 | Cincinnati | Seattle | 3 | 11 | PUSH | 0 | 119.00 |
| 11 | Seattle | Carolina | 7 | 11 | Y | 10 | 129.00 |
| 12 | Arizona | Pittsburgh | 3 | 11 | Y | 10 | 139.00 |
| 13 | Atlanta | San Francisco | 7 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 128.00 |
| 14 | Cincinnati | Cleveland | 11.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 138.00 |
| 15 | New Orleans | Washington | PK | 55 | N | -55.00 | 83.00 |
| 16 | Carolina | Tennessee | 5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 93.00 |
| 17 | Philadelphia | Tampa | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 103.00 |
| 18 | Chicago | Denver | 1 | 44 | Y | 40.00 | 143.00 |
| 19 |
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