DFO’s Ahmad Rashad Sits Down With The Coronavirus

The NFL is charging ahead with plans for the 2020 season despite the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic. In a world exclusive, DFO has sent former Minnesota Viking, husband to Claire Huxtable, and noted lickspittle Ahmad Rashad to chat with the Coronavirus itself. Why is it here? What does it think about the NFL playing games as soon as September? Does it think the Chiefs can repeat? Read the transcript and find out!

AR: Coronavirus, welcome to DFO, great to see you.

CV: It’s good to be here, Ahmad, thanks for having me.

AR: Coronavirus…may I call you Roni?

CV: By all means.

AR: Roni, you’ve killed hundreds of thousands of people, destroyed economies around the world, and driven some to drink bleach just to avoid catching you. I think I’m speaking for everyone when I ask you – what do you want?

CV: It’s a fair question, Ahmad. You know, I want what most dads want. I want to make millions of clones of myself, I want to provide my clones with a fertile spawning ground, and I want to make a difference in the world. I think you’ll find that’s a pretty good definition of the American Dream. 

AR: I have to concede that you make a pretty compelling argument. What do you say to those who would call you selfish for putting your goals ahead of the lives of all mankind?

CV: Ahmad, we live in a society. And we say that success in our society should be based on merit. If I excel at infecting people and those people fail at preventing me, don’t I deserve to be rewarded? In a free market, there have to be losers for there to be winners. It’s not my goal to kill everyone. I’m not without sympathy. But I’m not going to sacrifice what I’ve worked for and earned just so those weaker and lazier than I am can enjoy the same kind of life. Look, I have the perfect example for you. Public health officials around the world have laid out a strategy of social distancing and quarantine that, if I’m being honest, had me concerned. But instead, people thought they could argue me away with lies. They thought they could bully me or intimidate me by playing Army man. I’m a virus, Ahmad, not a snowflake. I’m immune to rhetoric. When those people congregated at beaches and protests and Dak Prescott’s house, I infected them. I resent the fact that I’m supposed to swallow such flagrant disrespect and not respond. I’m good at what I do, I’m not going to apologize for it.

AR: And nor should you have to, Roni. I gotta say, it’s been enlightening to hear your side of the story. Let’s move on to football if we can. The NFL has released its 2020 schedule and plans to play a full season. What are your thoughts, and do you have any plans to take in a game?

CV: I’m a big football fan, and I’ll certainly get to as many games as I can this season. When I heard Tom Brady was working out in a park with his new teammates, I really wanted to go. I must admit that after meeting Tom Hanks, I’m a little starstruck. It’s a shame Tom and I couldn’t make it work, because I’ve been doing so well in Florida otherwise. 

AR: That’s gotta hurt.

CV: It’s a missed opportunity, no doubt. I do well when people are affectionate, and let me tell you, Tom doesn’t give you many openings!

AR: (laughs) Class guy, Tom Brady.

CV: Oh, the best. And you know, he’ll still be in Florida for half his games, so here’s hoping I get to meet him this season!

AR: Roni, the NFL and other sports leagues have adopted a strategy to play games in empty stadiums in order to keep you from making mischief. What do you think of that plan?

CV: If I’m being honest, Ahmad, I think that strategy puts money ahead of people. There won’t be fans present, but there will still be players, coaches, game officials, TV production people, security guards, and locker room staff. It’s a little ironic that I’m supposed to be the one who doesn’t value human life, but Roger Goodell and the NFL owners are willing to put people in harm’s way to keep the profits coming. Those people in the stadiums will be easy targets for me, but the decision makers will probably be out of my reach. It’s not fair, but that’s inequality and privilege at work. I should have the same opportunity to infect Roger Goodell as I do to infect the guy who picks up towels in the locker room. But sadly, that’s not the world we live in.

AR: Sometimes it feels like we’ll never live in that world, but it gives me hope that there are viruses like you around that can see the problems and so eloquently talk about solutions. Have you considered running for office?

CV: Ahmad, don’t you think my Q rating is bad enough as it is? No, seriously, that’s very kind of you to say. I don’t want to give too much away, but I have been approached. It might be difficult for someone like me to build a solid base, as I don’t really target any particular race, gender, or socioeconomic group. If I decided to run, I’d just have to hope that truly treating everyone equally is enough to win the day. 

AR: I wouldn’t hold my breath!

CV: (laughs) I hear you. But maybe there’s an opportunity in Alabama. I might be more appealing than a child molester.

AR: I think that’s all the time we have today, Coronavirus, but thanks so much for coming by, it’s been a pleasure. 

CV: The pleasure is mine, Ahmad.

(They shake hands)

CV: Gotcha!