HRTN Special: The Boys of Summer (Part Three)

The scene: The clear skies over the Pacific Ocean, where a vintage DC-3 twin engine airplane flies a scant 500 feet or so above the blue waters.

Stoner Pilot: It’s easy flying from here, man. Like, we’re gonna unload all that Hawaiian grass and be on E-Z street.

Stoner Co-Pilot: Oh, fer shure, dude! How come we’re flying so low though, man? I can see porpoises from here. Like, one of ‘em’s just floating there, man…

Stoner Pilot: We fly low to avoid the RADAR, man! Like, we’re hiding from The Man, man!

Stoner Co-Pilot: Cool, man! Like, I don’t wanna get busted again, man. Last time I had to give up my grower, my supplier, my whole network just to stay out of prison, man. It was a total bummer.

Stoner Pilot: Oh, fer shure, man, I… Wait, you did what?

Stoner Co-Pilot: Hold on, man. Like, I’m gonna check the cargo, dude. I wanna make sure it’s secure back there.

Stoner Co-Pilot goes into the back. Stoner Pilot shrugs and lights a joint.

Stoner Pilot (inhaling): More for me, man…

Suddenly a large figure appears in front of the DC-3, as if launched from the ground below. It’s a very large humanoid figure with bat-like wings and cloven hooves. It’s momentum stalls and the Stoner Pilot briefly locks startled eyes with the creature before it falls back toward the earth.

Stoner Co-Pilot (re-entering the cockpit): Looks good back there, dude! Like, hey! Share the wealth, man!

Stoner Pilot (handing the joint to the co-pilot): Take it, man. Like, I think I’ve had enough for today…

Cut to: The beach where, just moments ago JJ Fozz was being menaced by Satan as Litre Cola and Unsurprised looked on in despair.

Suffice to say, things have changed. JJ Fozz is gone and in his place stands the angry purple mass of muscle known only as Fozz. Litre Cola and Unsurprised are standing nearby, not wanting to elicit Fozz’s attention and risk the chance of being punched into orbit.

Litre Cola (quietly): Holy cow! Is that…Fozz? What happened to him?

Unsurprised (also quietly): How should I know? He was normal when I knew him! Aside from, y’know, punching clowns and rooting for the Ravens.

Litre Cola (looking up): Man, Fozz really nailed Satan with that punch! I hope he’s okay!

Unsurprised (raising an eyebrow): Do you even hear yourself?

Litre Cola: What? He may be the infernal majesty of Hell, but I’m still kinda worried about him.

Unsurprised: Dude, I don’t even –

Unsurprised is interrupted as Satan crashes down onto the beach, spraying sand in a 20-yard radius. As the beach rains down upon them, Litre Cola and Unsurprised watch as Satan emerges from the crater he made, a scowl on his face.

Satan (angrily): Well, there’s more to you than meets the eye! But I don’t care how big you are, or how many muscles you’ve got, I’m going to –

It’s Satan’s turn to be interrupted, as Fozz grabs him by one of his horns, yanks him out of the sand crater, and smashes his whole body into the beach.

Then he does it again.

And one more time for good measure.

Fozz: Fozz smash!

Satan (groggy from being slammed around like a sack of grain): I’ll have you know I –

Fozz (angry, yet somehow bored): Bah!

With a mighty heave, Fozz hurls Satan out into the ocean. The devil arcs over the calm blue waters, then lands in the distance with a splash.

Litre Cola: Wow! With an arm like that, he should play for the Blue Jays!

Unsurprised: Or maybe even a real baseball team.

Litre Cola starts to make a miffed, yet polite, retort, but he’s cut off by the sound of steam. Lots of steam. Steam made by dumping the master of the infernal flames into the ocean, and letting him get angry enough to boil off an entire path from his landing spot in the water to the beach.

Unsurprised (grabbing Litre Cola): Let’s get out of here! I’m not going to sit around and get boiled like a lobster!

The pair run away as the wall of steam hits Fozz. Growling in pain and anger, he swings his arms wide, then brings them together in a thunderous clap that disperses the steam. Yet even as it dissipates, the yuuuge form of Satan barrels through the last of the misty cloud and straight into Fozz.

Satan (with literal fire in his eyes): So you want to play rough, eh? Well let me show you just what that means in the underworld!

Satan grabs Fozz in his mighty claws and then, with a flap of his wings, shoots up into the air like a…

Well, you know…

In a matter of seconds they are a thousand feet up. Satan lifts Fozz above his head with both arms, then throws the purple giant downward with all his might. Ripping through the air at near-sonic speed, Fozz crashes into the ocean below. A miniature tidal wave swells up and inundates the beach. Trees are swept away, bushes are uprooted and Litre Cola and Unsurprised run for their lives.

Unsurprised (running for a rise): Get to the high ground! C’mon, man!

Litre Cola (racing after Unsurprised): I sure hope the Maestro’s okay!

Cut to: The Maestro, who is tied to a long pole that is currently being carried through the jungle by two beautiful maidens.

The Maestro (hanging from the pole): So, uh…you from around here…?

Cut to: The beach again. Satan is landing amid the carnage with a satisfied grin on his face.

Satan: Well, now! I have to say, that was actually…

Satan is cut off by the sudden appearance of a bull shark flying through the air. Satan instinctively puts up an arm in self-defense, and the shark chomps down on it, swallowing it up to the elbow. As the devil attempts to extricate his appendage from the toothy jaws, Fozz strides up out of the ocean, peeling an octopus off of his head and tossing it back into the water. He picks up speed as he approaches Satan, then charges full-tilt into the devil.

Fozz (hitting Satan with a spear): GRAWR!!!

Fozz collides with Satan like a locomotive hitting a tank and they brawl all over the beach. Fozz’s mighty blows set Satan back on his cloven heels, although the devil is able to hold his own, swinging both clawed fist and shark-covered arm.

Uprooting a tree, Fozz uses it to batter Satan, who responds by breathing forth a gout of fire, setting the tree alight. Fozz tosses the burning lumber aside, only to catch a face full of sand.

I mean, of course Satan plays dirty.

The devil batters Fozz with fist and shark, sending the purple giant reeling under a flurry of blows. Driving Fozz to one knee with his infernal might, Satan then learns the hard way that Fozz also plays dirty.

A dick punch delivered with enough force to sink a battleship leaves Satan staggering, his eyes crossed. Even the bull shark winces in sympathy.

Then, with unexpected agility and a surprising knowledge of pro wrestling moves, Fozz puts Satan away with a Canadian Destroyer.

Then, as suddenly as it began, it’s over. With Satan lying in an insensate heap on the sand, Fozz wanders off down the beach. Soon, with his anger passed (at least for now), he’ll turn back into JJ Fozz once again. Not as large, nor as purple, yet somehow still intimidating.

Moments pass. A few seagulls land nearby, dipping their beaks in the water. A crab trundles toward the shore but then, upon seeing the birds, retreats back into the ocean.

Unsurprised and Litre Cola, having climbed down from their perch, approach Satan apprehensively. Unsurprised picks up a piece of driftwood and pokes Satan with it.

Litre Cola: What are you doing?

Unsurprised (poking): I just want to see if he’s alive.

Satan groans and suddenly sits up, startling the two humans.

Satan: I’m alive. Damn it, that was…

Litre Cola: Violent?

Unsurprised: Needlessly destructive?

Satan: Fun! That was the best time I’ve had in ages! Boy, you guys really helped me end the summer with a bang!

Litre Cola: We…did…?

Satan: You bet! Your friend there can really throw a punch! I haven’t been hit like that since Mammon and I threw down!

Litre Cola: Is that…a good thing…?

Satan: It sure is! Let me tell you, if you guys ever need something, you just give me a call. I really owe you one for the good time.

Unsurprised: You’re leaving, then?

Satan: Oh, yeah, I really need to be getting back to Hell. That place does not run itself, let me tell you. I’m really going to have a lot to catch up on.

Satan strikes the beach with a cloven hoof. It cracks and a fissure open. The stench of brimstone pours out, flames rise from within and the wails of tortured souls can be heard screaming their torment.

Unsurprised: Geez, and here I thought Cleveland was bad…

Satan: Thanks again, you guys! Hey, tell the Maestro I’ll be seeing him around.

Litre Cola: You…will?

Satan (with an evil grin): Oh, yes. He knows what he did.

With a wave Satan drops into the fiery chasm, which closes up after him. Unsurprised and Litre Cola are left alone on the now-quiet beach.

Litre Cola: Well, I guess we have our lives back, eh?

Unsurprised: Yup! We can go anywhere…

Litre Cola: Do anything we want…

Unsurprised: There’s just one problem, though.

Litre Cola: Oh, yeah? What’s that, eh?

Unsurprised: Well, we’re still stuck on this CENSORED ing island!!!

To be continued…