NFL New Year’s Resolutions

As the year comes to a close DFO took some time to have some introspective thoughts from around the NFL to consider what sorts of New Year’s resolutions one would be able to hear if they were merely a fly on the wall of corporate offices, locker rooms, showers, and playground sandboxes. and from teams to players to coaches.

From our teams we could anticipate some of these fine utterances:

1. The Vikings resolve to further downsize their offensive line, adopting the radical “lineless” formation. Their offensive possessions are three illegal formation penalties and a punt, a production upgrade that wins Norv Turner a contract extension
2. Cleveland really wants to allocate more money in the City’s budget for additional firefighters to help fight the citywide dumpster blaze
3. Colts Fans resolve to lose weight. **Starts pawing through the closet for that box of nutrisystem they ordered last January and the TRX hanging off the door frame. Gets winded hunting. Goes to the kitchen for something healthy. Eats stick of butter
4. The Broncos resolve to find a quarterback who’s even taller, a running back who’s a baller, and to not fax a girl when they can just call ‘er
5. Cowboys resolve to learn necromancy.  JJ and Romo together 4evah!
6. The Redskins resolve to start selling special popcorn made from Indian corn in a collectible wigwam bowl for $20 a pop (pun intended) with 0.05% of proceeds going to some charity or other to demonstrate cultural sensitivity towards Red Indians.  Indian give some to your family today!
7. The Bears resolve to crossbreed all linemen with actual bears to increase their blocking abilities
8. The Rams resolve to locate one of the mythical Quar-Teer-Baks that the other teams talk about.  Use them to enter the fabled Ende Zoahn and score a tuch-downe and winne
9. The Giants resolve to invest in an atomic clock, so as to improve their time-management at the end of games
10. Lions resolve to go undefeated in the month of April.  They somehow fail to keep this resolution.
11. The Jets resolve to keep punching Geno Smith in his stupid face
12. The Houston Texans resolve to develop fan.  Not fans.  A fan.  Somewhere.  They will adopt An American Tail’s theme song Somewhere Out There as their rallying cry in their quest
13. The 49ers resolve to run an exclusive gadget-play offense called in through a fleet of drones to an even less experienced QB (and INT specialist) with Chip Kelly at the helm
14. The New England Patriots resolve to win back-to-back Super Bowls, and have Roger Goodell publicly assassinated at the Lombardi Trophy presentation ceremony
15. Steelers resolve to purchase some health insurance for their players.  Only get it for Antonio Brown and make the rest use Obamacare

And from some of our individual cast of characters:

16. BOSS TODD IS GONNA SPIN DOUGHNUTS IN THE PARKING LOT SO DAMN HARD HE’LL END UP IN ORBIT WOOOOOO
17. Coach Zimmer resolves to remove you from your car, take off his belt and beat the everlasting fuck out of you if you forget to use your turn signal
18. Mike Tomlin obviously remembers to obviously keep sticking to the obvious standard which that is the standard which obviously other standards are standardized by
19. BOLTMAN RESOLVES TO ROCK. YOUR. WORRRRRRRRLD! /air guitar and headbanging (OR DESTROY IT! /stomp. stomp. Clap)
20. THE BEN RESOLVE TO MAKE MORE HAPPY MOUTH NOISES AT MEN IN DIFFERENT SHIRTS WHEN THEY HAVE BALL HARF HARF
21. Rex Ryan resolves to foot the bill for every team meal, saving the soles of his players and helping them avoid defeet.  He’s taking steps to make sure he toes the line on hits the nail on the head with his playcalling
22. Jim Tomsula resolves to stop hunting stray dogs for sport, and will now only hunt them for food
23. Philip Rivers resolves to increase the number of daily calcium injections he forces on all of his Super Soldiers, to promote better bone and kidney health
24. Tom Coughlin resolves to finally finish the sky above the old saw mill in that jigsaw puzzle
25. Bill Belichick is on to Martin Luther King Jr Day.

As with all Resolutions, these will be passing and short-lived, but we can only hope that over the next day or so our lads at least take a moment to pause and reflect on what can be done to improve for 2016. I encourage each of you to go on ahead, grab yourself a sticky note, and write down a grocery list for shopping on Saturday because at least that way you’ll have started off your year getting something actually accomplished.

Happy New Year!

The wisdom and genius:  Balls of Steel (15), Blaxabbath (3, 25), Covalent Blonde (11, 13), Darkest Timeline Zach Morris (8, 12, 21), Doktor Zymm (5,6,7), Horatio Cornblower (9), Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (22, 23), Make it Snow (4), MikeWallaceandGrommitt (2), OSZ (19), PickettsChargeKSK (1), Rikki Tikki Deadly (10), The Maestro (14, 16, 20), Scothnaut (24), TrollSoHardUniversity (11), WCS (18), Yeah Right (17)