Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t.

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This weeks cheesy motivational quote is: “

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work [in bed].
Thomas Edison

Better, but think this is just saying that he was just a bad lover.

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post. Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts. Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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Since the Brownies traded away all of their future draft picks in perpetuity, for a handful of magic beans and yet another QBFail, this seems appropriate

Gumbygirl

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Just learned on Jeopardy that a group of bats is called a “cauldron” and that’s pretty fucking cool.
SonOfSpam

Yes, pretty cool, but, it’s no MURDER of crows.

WCS

Agree, murder of crows will always be #1.
SonOfSpam

Parliament of owls can only hope to claim #2.
Dunstan

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Buffalo taxpayers are on the hook for 850 million dollars for a new stadium but that’s about 25 million in Los Angeles dollars.
scotchnaut

I have to believe you could buy all of Buffalo and a decent chunk of Rochester for that.
Horatio Cornblower

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UConn player back on the bench with a broken wrist and enough painkillers to make Hippo swipe right on Tinder.
Horatio Cornblower

“Um, I don’t mean to be forward but…do you have shoulders?”

-Hippo’s opening foray
scotchnaut

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I have to be honest: I’ve met many of the DFOers and I still refer to them as their online names.

They’ve told me their real names, but it’s easier for me just to call them by their online names. Quite honestly, I’ve forgotten some real names.

And, it sounds really weird when someone refers to them by their real names. I’m always thinking, “Who?”
ballsofsteelandfury

It also gives us Plausible Deniability. “Redshirt? Never heard of him.”
Redshirt

but he was here the whole time
Game Time Decision

To be fair, he’s likely the first to die in the next
WCS

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One of the things that led me here in the first place and obviously keeps all of us here is the intellect and the exchanges of like thought.

I think the key thing over the last two years has been the intellect, the support and most of all the empathy during this unbelievably horrible shared experience and I want to thank each and every one of you for being there for your support, your guidance and most of all just being a kind and open ear to those of us who’ve needed support and just a good, if imaginary friend.

I love you all so much for that.
yeah right

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Love the post. Might even say AMEN REVEREND.

Used to downplay all the time in grade school/high school; at first, out of empathy, later to be less unpopular. (Didn’t work)

Then I discovered alcohol and didn’t have to pretend to be stupid. The cause of, and solution to, all our problems.

This community is great for all the reasons Rev elucidated. ELUCIDATED I SAY YOU COCKBITES.
SonOfSpam

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https://twitter.com/ColinSNewsday/status/1508937166105292810Sharkbait

Penguins are all wearing No. 7 in warmups for Ben Roethlisberger.

— Colin Stephenson (@ColinSNewsday) March 29, 2022

Sharkbait

Probably against their will though
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Can we brag about our dick size?

ballsofsteelandfury

Ooh, let’s! A new girlfriend once complained that she thought I might be too girthy for her, turns out she just had a UTI.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I was broken in kindergarten.

My teacher brought in a TV so we could watch part of the moon landing. She asked if anyone could explain the lunar lander. I walked up to the front of the room (it had a little stage. I can still see it). I explained that LEM stood for Lunar Excursion Module, how one astronaut had to stay in the command module while the other two went to the moon. How NASA would lose contact with the CM every time it went behind the moon. I then looked out into the room.

Every student was staring at me like I grew a third head. This, I kind of expected. I was a nerd already, even if the word hadn’t been invented. What broke me was the look on the teacher’s face. She was terrified. I had said things she didn’t even know. At 5 years old.

As I have told my daughter, I got exactly the grade in school that I wanted. No more, no less. I never told any civilians I was a member of Mensa. Mensa meetings were always a bit of an asshole convention, because we could let our freak flag fly. You could tell every Descartes joke you knew. But never in front of civilians.

Gumby made a topographical model of the area of the moon they landed on, for the school science fair. He had everything to scale, and labeled. A teacher came up to his dad later, and said he would have won if he hadn’t “made up silly names” for everything, like the Sea of Tranquility. Um….
Gumbygirl

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Damn it, he’s right! [ Rev’s open thread from March 29th]

WE ARE SMRT!!
WCS

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Bruce Arians just retired. Apparently, Dreamboat was still shedding when he returned from his retirement to get away from his family.
Redshirt

How will his retirement affect Tampa’s Kangol cap?
scotchnaut

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Found a funny;
[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba
rockingdog

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“A Man, A Plan, Canada, Some Anal, Panama!”

-Balls, doing his best to describe the CONCACAF tilt occurring later tonight[March 30th]
scotchnaut

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Who has two thumbs and got to experience passing two kidney stones?

This guy.

Thank Jeebus for morphine and percoset.
LemonJello

WCS

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Redshirt

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I don’t know about you guys but lately my Give A Shit at work is broke around Thursday afternoons.

I may be in need of a vacation.
ballsofsteelandfury

Sub. Fucking. Scribe
Sharkbait

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I’m having a massive issue with the USPS and you’ll be shocked to know their customer service is not helping. Here’s a direct quote from the most recent interaction, this time via twitter dm because phone and in person didn’t cut it:

Let the parcel do what it will do and thank you for contacting USPSHelp.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Let the parcel do what it will do

Your parcel is on the path to knowing the sound of one hand clapping and you’re complaining? This one is on you.
scotchnaut

At least your parcel didn’t fuck off to Australia.

Yet.
ballsofsteelandfury

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Saw this quote in an article about the Brady / Arians rumors swirling about:

“Unfortunately, this is a league that regularly spits in the face of the bastardized “duck test” proverb. You know the one: “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s probably a duck.” That’s not how the NFL’s manual on controlling narratives is written. Instead, this league’s boilerplate approach to damage control is often something along the lines of “If it looks like a duck, dress it like a chicken and start lying immediately.”
BeefReeferLives

That seems on brand for The Shield™
Sharkbait

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I also heard a joke this week:

Hey did you guys hear about the barbarian wrestler who was addicted to sex?

He was a Randy Savage!
Brocky

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Found a funny;

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
rockingdog

Doktor Zymm

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My feet hurt, it’s snowing in April, brocky’s hibernation is done

HOW THE FUCK U DOING BOYS?
Brocky

Better than the Jaguars under Tom Coughlin!
ballsofsteelandfury

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I wish beer commercials were more like pill ads.

“Heineken. Ask your doctor.”

“Bud Light may cause headaches, nausea, divorce, truck nuts, mask aversion, gun purchases, book burning, the desire to deep-fry a turkey, gout and unemployment. Use product wisely.”
scotchnaut

“Caution: Increased usage of this product without supervision may result in unintended sexual relations.”
Redshirt

“That’s my favorite kind!”
— Ben R.
— Dehaun W.
— Jameis W.
Dunstan

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For those of you that get roped into watching a rom-com with your partner, might I suggest The Guernsey Literary And Potato Peel Pie Society? It’s not completely over-wrought emotionally manipulative detritus, it’s just wrought.
scotchnaut

Careful though, too much Potato Peel Pie and you won’t be able to fit in the Sisterhood Traveling pants anymore.
herodotus450

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Hippo’s Tom Petty joke reminded me of some ancient history. Way back, when bungee jumping was new-ish a bunch of us at the restaurant (about 15-20 gals and dudes) decided to take the plunge. On the day of, a bartender said, “I made a mix tape for the occasion!”.

So songs like “Free Falling” and “Learning To Fly” (but I ain’t got wings) were featured. As the person that drew #1 out of the hat, this wasn’t helping my nerves at all-actually kinda pissed me off. Most of the tunes were about failing and being nervous and crashing, etc.

In retrospect it was a brilliant bit of trolling but it certainly wasn’t appreciated by anyone that day.
scotchnaut

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This is a good book. No idea how I even want this to end.

(re: The Old Woman with the Knife)
Doktor Zymm

Scotchy probably has some ideas.
Gumbygirl

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I’m going to open an Indian/Norweigan funsion restaurant called The Sizzling Thunor
Doktor Zymm

Why not Thor Kapoor?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Gonna steal all your recipes and open my “Fjord a Few Dal-ers More” food truck across the street.
herodotus450

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Hey, “Napoleon Dynamite” is on TV. You know someone once said I was like that character.

I can still remember the sounds of their screaming as the dirt covered their face.
Redshirt

Redshirt turned into scotchy so slowly that I didn’t even notice
Game Time Decision

Its always the quiet and nice ones you gotta watch for.
Redshirt

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I’m really surprised that Hippo hasn’t gotten into hockey. It’s the best sport.

Hippo, Carlton is waiting for you in Australia. They’re actually good this year.
ballsofsteelandfury

I tried once. I made the same mistake I made with soccer; watching with a hardcore fanatic who I’m convinced couldn’t get sexually aroused unless a hockey puck or a soccer ball is involved in the foreplay.

Its ruined me for both sports.
Redshirt

You haven’t lived until you’ve banged a girl wearing a hockey sweater…
ballsofsteelandfury

“Oh God! I didn’t cum again! You keep disappointing me! I’m so turned on!’

-Girl wearing a Leafs jersey
scotchnaut

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I regularly comment on a Sens blog and I’m guessing that a large number of the commenters are over 70 years-old or are autistic. When the goalie Anton Forsberg lets in his first goal I call him “Onesberg”. His third goal? He’s “Threesberg”. I’ve been doing this since last year. (and many others have adopted this nomenclature) And yet, long-time commenters to that site are completely befuddled as to why his nickname gets changed throughout the course of any one game.

/I guess this is my way of saying I’ll never leave this site
scotchnaut

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My brain now wants to think of cutesy name for back-alley abortion businesses!

A Trip Down the Stairs
Bring Your Own Hangers
King Hippo

Gut-Punch-R-Us
WCS

Embry-No
Brick Meathook

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I’ve been picking up the slack for you vegetarians. Just my way of putting my arteries on the line to keep the cow population in line. Although in a remarkable piece of restraint, I only ate half of the steak I made last night, which means lunch today is taken care of.

Dunstan

Cows think they’re so tough! You show ’em who’s boss, Dunstan!
scotchnaut

WCS

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Another gently used fleshlight for Litre! Thanks Cocks!
litre_cola

Are you thanking the team or those who made the prize “gently used”?
Redshirt

So much yes.
litre_cola

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UConn game is going about how I expected, so I see no need to jinx them by doing anything other than what I did yesterday.

Best part of this game is watching ESPN2, where Sue Bird and Diana Taurasi are doing a Manning brothers announcing thing, while quite obviously getting a good buzz on.
Horatio Cornblower

That should be the new norm for all sports.

EDIT: And State of the Unions. Just imagine a SotU with Obama and Dubya snarking their way through it.

“Oh, that’s a cheap pop for another gimme Standing O.”
“Looks like someone bet the over.”
Redshirt

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Diana Taurasi: “It’s a game of inches. Just ask the cocks.”
Horatio Cornblower

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Good news, the boy competed his 28 days in rehab and was able to get into Intensive outpatient while staying at a recovery home for the next two months, meaning I don’t have to worry about him for a bit!
ArmedandHammered

That’s greats news. Tell him your imaginary internet friends are still pulling for him/will kill him if he breaks your heart again.

puts ninjas from Ready Status to Standby Alert
Redshirt

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

NOTE banner image from here