It’s almost here! It’s almost here! The most wonderful time of the year- Draftsmas Eve! The night where every fan can go to sleep and dream of the franchise-changing pick their team is going to make the next day, before the harsh sunlight of Reality reveals that they end up trading a second-rounder to move up two spots to reach for a guard.
This year has been interesting, because in the absence of an Apparent Franchise Quarterback we don’t really have an epicenter for the Mock Industrial Complex’s endless debates. In a year with unprecedented seismic shifts in the existing quarterback market, the choice between Malik Willis and Kenny Pickett just doesn’t carry the same gravity. There is also a surprising amount of nuance being shown in the M.I.C. regarding scheme and competitive timeline, meaning that two pundits who assess Ikem “Ickey” Ekwonu in the same way may have him going first overall or twelfth based on need and fit.
By the way, he is my very favorite player in this draft. The man is an absolute gigantic beast of an offensive lineman who played lead in musical theater in high school. I would kill to have him protecting Josh Allen.
Our very own Horatio’s Mock Draft is holding up well almost a month later, despite the Iggles and Aints doing a little reshuffling in the middle. And even if the picks aren’t quite right, the analysis is spot-on. For example:
They’ll still need a QB, and it looks like the top remaining prospect is North Carolina QB Sam Howell. He’s been described as “a poor man’s Baker Mayfield”, which is perfect, because Detroit is a poor man’s Cleveland.
Now, this was back when the Smart Money was on Baker Mayfield going somewhere normal like Seattle. But the market has changed, so why settle for a potential Baker Mayfield when you can overpay for the real thing? Mayfield seems like exactly the sort of jacked-up semi-talented headcase that Dan Campbell wants to gnaw on a femur with. A Jim McMahon to Campbell’s Mike Ditka. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DETROIT!
Look for my long-form standalone piece on Thursday about how the blatantly anti-free-market draft process is actually essential to preservation of player livelihoods. Guaranteed to piss off the Defector staff!
Other Final Draft Thoughts:
-Houston is not expected to draft a QB, although if anyone would reach for a Liberty “University” quarterback in the Top 10, I would expect it to be Jack Easterby’s God Botherers.
-Aidan Hutchinson is probably a very nice young man. But this shit, with the eyeblack?
Just…no. This was Joe Laurinaitis, a professional wrestler known as “Road Warrior Animal”:
This is James Laurinaitis, his son and a highly-respected NFL veteran:
If anyone was going to pull this look off, it was going to be James. But even he knew to keep it tasteful.
-Pitt quarterback Kenny Pickett went from this:
to this:
I’m not saying he won’t be a good quarterback, just that he’s following the Aaron Rodgers Hobo Curve at an alarming pace.
-Speaking of Rodgers, having the draft in Vegas is a tremendously terrible idea. They invited 21 players to the “green room” where they will wait for their names to be called:
- QB Malik Willis (Liberty)
- QB Matt Corral (Ole Miss)
- WR Garrett Wilson (Ohio State)
- WR Jameson Williams (Alabama)
- WR Drake London (USC)
- WR Chris Olave (Ohio State)
- OT Evan Neal (Alabama)
- OT Ikem Ekwonu (NC State)
- OT Charles Cross (Mississippi State)
- OG Zion Johnson (Boston College)
- DE Aidan Hutchinson (Michigan)
- DE Kayvon Thibodeaux (Oregon)
- DE Jermaine Johnson II (Florida State)
- DE George Karlaftis (Purdue)
- DT Jordan Davis (Georgia)
- DT Devonte Wyatt (Georgia)
- LB Devin Lloyd (Utah)
- LB Nakobe Dean (George)
- CB Ahmad “Sauce” Gardner (Cincinnati)
- CB Kyler Gordon (Washington)
- S Kyle Hamilton (Notre Dame
Leaving aside the trouble they can get into before the draft, imagine if one gets Geno Smith’d and ends up not being picked the first night at all? With 21 guys in an incredibly uncertain draft, it’s going to happen to at least one guy, and maybe up to four. Late night Thursday is gonna be dangerous at the Forum Shoppes is all I’m saying…
-I really hope they don’t boo Roger this year. God knows the fucker deserves it, but when it happens every single year no matter where he lands on his Spectrum of Shittiness it just loses some of it’s meaning.
-Best nicknames/noms d’ football of the draft:
“Sauce” Gardner
“Ickey” Ekwonu
“George” Karlaftis
-The Eagles are going to pick two receivers with their two first round draft picks, and I am Here For It.
-The Bills are close enough to a Super Bowl that I could see them either trading up to get one of the top cornerbacks or biting the bullet and drafting a “lower value position” player (Breece Hall) in the first to get them over the top.
-San Francisco should trade Jimmy G and Deebo to Carolina for the number 6 pick. I need someone to pump chaos directly into my veins. Besides, John Lynch just gave one of those “We’re Not Trading Him” statements that means they are totally going to trade him. Remember how the Twitter Board was all “hell no, no Elon” about a week ago?
OTHER SPORTING EVENTS:
Fuck other sports. IT’S DRAFT WEEK, BITCHES!!!!!
Here’s a Union Pacific heavy freight in Wyoming, 1964.
And yes, you guessed it: that’s a 2500HP GP35 cab unit followed by two DD35 booster units at 5000HP each and then a second GP35 making up a 10000HP Rocky Mountain prime-mover consist.
Now I know you’re going to ask “was there an A-unit?”
Of course there was. Here’s a DD35A (with a cab) and a DD35 booster (or “B-unit”). The booster could only operate when connected to an A-unit and they were electrically synchronized. Each unit was essentially two GP35s built onto a common frame, with each driving two sets of four powered axles (the “D-D” configuration) instead of the GP35’s configuration of two sets of two powered axles. Both were mounted on Flexicoil trucks which used a bogie pivot fitted with rubber-metal bearings to hold a cross anchor yoke to transfer the forces to the bogie frame via two cross anchor link pins.
As you already knew, these were built by EMD, the Electro-Motive Division of General Motors, who also built the Chevy Cavalier and the Pontiac Fiero.
Kemp needs ejected for his arguing with the call. Is that really so much to ask? I love a firm, upward finger-point and a goor guttural grunt of an ejection.
Also, these A’s fans are annoying as hell. Let’s not give them the camera time, please.
Congessdick Johnny Noodlelegs apprehended again with a loaded 9mm going through airport security. Again. After not being charged the first time and bragging he’s been hiding weapons in his fucking wheelchair rolling onto the House floor. This greasy cunt is itching to shoot someone to cement some sort of vigilante legacy. At what point do we hold republicans accountable for fucking anything?
Show some respect. His name is Adolf Sitler.
(someone on Twitter came up with that; I can’t take credit for it)
(please note that I do not condone making fun of people with paralysis, unless they’re real assholes, like Madison)
Yup. Fuck him. Shove him off a cliff, the world won’t miss him.
That’s too quick and painless, let’s go with crocodile-infested waters.
I like the cut of your jib, sir!
I ordered a roll of bubblewrap and it arrived today.
It came packaged with bubblewrap so that the real bubblewrap wouldn’t be damaged during shipping.
“Sweet”
-Moose
That’s as good as finding the extra fries at the bottom of the bag. Nice!
it’s like bonus bubblewrap
Today I forgot my grocery bags, and had to use the bags of shame that Von’s sells. When I got home, I found two brand new bic gelpens clipped to the side of one of them. Not a big win, but hey, free pens!
Highlight of the Cincinnati Reds season so far:
Cincinnati Reds on Twitter: “Catching a foul ball while bottle-feeding the baby… just dad things. https://t.co/tTXL0oDquu” / Twitter
Join the “Predict the Pick” DFO Group on NFL.com if you’re not a commie.
https://predictpick.nfl.com/group/5372
A group of elites deciding where poor workers get sent, what they do, and colluding about how much money they make? Definitely not communism.
Totally socialism, duh
You hear that, no members of Dan Snyder’s org can join
In. I’ll be horrible.
What are things I’ve said to women too many times?
I’ll take Potpourri for $800
You’ve probably said it to be modest; I say it so I can say “TOLD YOU” when they complain afterwards.
Based on the Trumpublicans and the Liberal-wing of the Democratic Party, I already am a Communist, but I’ll do it anyway.
Maestro, do you need any more art for your Medical posts?
https://twitter.com/JoshMankiewicz/status/1519007834981036032?t=qUJY8HeOZKzs2bkgG16gow&s=19
Oh my God that dunk by Ja Morant.
Politico sent out a story tonight with the headline “Why progressives hate Elon Musk” but refuse to write the most important piece, “Why Republicans hate America”
Ickey is a delightful, salt-of-the-earth young man. Who is freaky fast for a Very Large Human, who happens to LOVE competitive violence.
I like him even more than I liked Ryan “Big Fin” Finley, and y’all know that’s saying something. You have to go back to Bradley Chubb for a Wolven Sort equal in Hippo Esteem.
I just got back from Von’s, amongst my expensive groceries (557 bucks, American, what the infernal fuck?) Is a copy of Lindy’s draft mag, for my man. I should just let him read the stuff here, but he’s not fluent in DFO. Although I think I told you guys this, he was on KSK back in the day. I’m sure he was annoying!
WE’VE FOUND OTTO!!
He doesn’t remember what name he used, but if Otto is the Simpson’s busdriver, I guess it’s a remote possibility?
Yup, that’s the one .
Yeah, but Otto was on DFO too, Gumby wasn’t, so it can’t be him.
D’oh!!
Was he, though? I thought he went quiet and we all started speculating that he was running for office or something (he was fiercely liberal. And a Chiefs fan, I thought?)
Otto’s avatar was Kenny Powers.
Gumby is a lifelong Steelers fan, like me. Otto was in Hard Road to Nowhere, so I think he must have been on DFO too? (Mournful sobbing for Beastmode)
Nope, Otto was in HRTN as wishful thinking. he never made the transition to DFO, and in fact had largely removed himself from the internet prior to the 2016 elections.
Because in reality Otto was Hilary Clinton.
Wooo, plot twist!
Lindy’s! Wow! Anyone remember the Street and Smith’s mag?
I would get their JV NFL annual off the bloody NEWSSTAND every summer as a HippoLad
Their college basketball preview was insanely detailed-every team in every conference broken down. That was in the late 70’s/early 80’s.
I liked how they broke down schedules and such. Made for good immersion on long car trips (I had the middle seat of the station wagon).
I can teach him Hippo FOAR Beginners in 10 short weeks, and I only require 40% of that sweet Army pension lucre*!!
*opiates as like-kind substitution greatly appreciate
Navy. He passed the ASVAB. Gumby is smrt.
So, he only eats the pastel crayons then?
Well, la-dee-freaking-dah! Look who’s putting on airs now!
The draft on a Wednesday is stupid.
That will be all.
I think it’s on Thursday. Source:
I got lost in the Eves. 4 more?
https://youtu.be/T8Xb_7YDroQ
DOUBLE SHOT!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9JmK3Y03flE
Very interesting stuff. Face paint propensity and hobo progressions are draft analytics I can get behind!
Here’s a draft prediction everyone can go GAMBLOR on:
Philly fans will boo both picks.
SRTONG TAEK I know!
I believe Vegas is only taking action on the decibel level of the booing
I would bet bongo bucks there will also be some J-E-T-S JetsJetsJetsing.
Version 2 of the mock draft is halfway done and will be available for the Thursday Open Thread. I expect to get very few picks right, but I will say that The Right Rev. Mayhem has clearly been reading my mind with regard to Houston’s second pick in the first round, but clearly stopped reading before he got to Philly’s first pick.
And before any of you say it, (glares at, well, all of you), I am fully aware that I always get very few picks right.
I feel like your picks are just as accurate as any “expert” can do. Have you tracked your stats at all?
I am very (some might say overly) competitive, so even though I have absolutely no expertise in drafting, watch very little college football, and have no NFL sources, I do keep track of my results. I think last year I was 5/32.
My best was the year before, when Covid kept much trading from happening during the first round. I went a straight 8/32 that year, 10/32 if you count me saying that the only thing was sure of was that the Patriots would trade out of their pick, (they did), and that it would be hilarious if the Packers drafted Jordan Love with their first pick, (even though I had them take someone else), and they did, and it was hilarious.
My worst has been 2/32, which I think was the year Mayfield went first and skewed the whole draft.
There is only one SonOfSpam.
The only mocks I read, since 2015
/blushes
I imagine William Hung singing Mock Draft With H. Cornblower!!