Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

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This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:

Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time [in bed]
Jim Rohn

Going to avoid the obvious jokes here and talk about not ever getting enough sleep. Like why do I keep staying up late when I’ve got to be up early the next morning. One would think after all these years that I’d have learned this, of all things, but nope.

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As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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Buttercup is the greatest Powerpuff Girl, and I will cut a bitch who disagrees. CUT. A. BITCH!!!!
Gumbygirl

(runs out of the Clubhouse, screaming and crying like a bitch)
Redshirt

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I like to imagine that the Cardinals employed Eli Manning as a consultant in structuring Kyler Murray’s deal. “Tell us, Eli, if you had four full hours at your disposal, how would you spend them?” and then writing each of his answers into the contract as a restriction.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Friend to me: Wakey, I’m getting married. I went to a fortune teller and they said I need to get married to my fiancee before the end of the lunar year. I’m thinking November, but the Mrs. doesn’t care. Also, can you be my best man?

Me: Wonderful! You bet. Just know I’m going to the world Cup and will be gone most of November and return on December 2nd. This is a life long dream and a bucket list thing, so, I’m not missing it.

He nods his head and agrees.

Today via text: Hey Wakey, I went to the fortune teller and they said the best day to get married is on the 22nd of November. Can you change your plans?

Now as I roll my eyes, I make him wait before giving a nice response that the answer is no fucking way, we already talked about this, bit if you’re having your life run by a fortune teller, then you do you.
Wakezilla

“I too went to a fortune teller and… heh… long story short, I slept with your fiance.”
herodotus450

Is he engaged to Cheryl Tunt?

WCS

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That Kyler Murray contract is going to be gift the keeps on giving to anyone who doesn’t root for the Cardinals.
Horatio Cornblower

Having to put into a massive contract that a player has to do one part of his job because he’s currently not really doing it?

I cannot see what could possib-leye go wrong.
Wakezilla

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Mrs. Cornblower, (new name still to be determined), just got back from breakfast with a friend who is in an unhappy marriage, and let me tell you for the next 2-3 days I am a golden god. I should probably send that useless asshole husband a thank you card or something.
Horatio Cornblower

That’s just the best.

It’s SO EASY being a “great guy” because of all the assholes out there. THANKS ASSHOLES!
SonOfSpam

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Chris Carson’s retiring due to not wanting to be Ryan Shazier.
SonOfSpam

“I wish I could say that I feel that, but…well, you know.”
-R. Shazier
LemonJello

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2022 is starting early.
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/joe-burrow-to-undergo-surgery-to-remove-appendix-will-miss-some-practice-time-per-report/
Redshirt

Redshirt: “Man, I wish Borrow doesn’t hurt his knees this season.”

Monkey’s paw: (finger curls)
WCS

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Former Ice LioUns player, Jake Virtanen, was found not guilty of rape today. There are clear and well known gaps and problems with convicting someone of rape, the law really should catch up on that.
Wakezilla

At this point, I believe all participants must sign a consent form before having sex to remove all doubt with everyone having a duress signature if they are being forced to sign. In cases of intoxication, a co-signer must be required by a trusted non-participant.
Redshirt

That’s stupid. How’s she gonna sign anything when she’s unconscious?

Or

That’s stupid. How’s she gonna sign anything when she hasn’t learned to write yet?

Or

That’s stupid. Dead girls aren’t gonna sign anything.
SonOfSpam

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white tigers appear approximately once in every 10,000 Bengal tiger births

Appropriate, since 1 in 10,000 is also the Bengals’ chances of winning a Super Bowl.
Dunstan

Redshirt:

(artist’s conception)
WCS

Idk. They could be just one offensive lineman and an appendix away.
TheRevanchist

Watch that appendix be the source of all of Burrow’s talent.
Redshirt

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Don T

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One of my coworkers who I’ve worked with for the last 13 years just gave me a hug and walked out the door to retirement.

She is an absolutely wonderful human being too. I’m so jealous.

That gave me a lump in my throat too.
yeah right

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No Steelers helmet?
ballsofsteelandfury

I’m sure Myles Garrett will just rip the one off of Mason Rudolf’s head for a preview later on.
TheRevanchist

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Another Giants helmet feature is a very tiny retractable coke spoon. Say what you want about LT, as a designer, he was true to his roots.
scotchnaut

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Do I remember Lucky Whitehead? Do I? Of course I don’t.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

-Trent Green, holding his shoe to his ear like a telephone, while standing in a puddle of his own urine in front of an Arby’s drive thru.
LemonJello

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Wait, Mike Brown is paying for two helmets? Or do the players have to spring for the alternate?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

He’s taking a little bit out of their paycheck until the debt is paid off so they don’t really feel the pinch of having to pay for those helmets. It’s like he’s doing them a favour, really.
Wakezilla

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MARK DAVIS: [picking up a phone on his desk] HI I’M MARK DAVIS!

SECRETARY: Yes, Mr. Davis?

MARK DAVIS: Please add this individual “Blax Abbath” to the list.

SECRETARY: Right away, Mr. Davis.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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That’s why they call it “Massage Envy.” Because you leave envious of people who get actual professional massages!
Gumbygirl

When Elmer Fudd went to Massage Envy:

BeefReeferLives

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https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/34309612/arizona-cardinals-remove-independent-study-clause-quarterback-kyler-murray-contract

Brought to you by the same franchise that hasn’t won a title since the Truman Administration.
WCS

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What about Ohio which is already solidly Republican? Can I vote Forward or do I gotta show up at the polling station drunk again so I can vote Democratic?
Redshirt

The latter
BrettFavresColonoscopy

ESPECIALLY this year with that competitive Senate race.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fast forward to first day of early voting, a drunken Redshirt stumbles out of an Uber:

“My imaginary interwebs friends said I need to vote for Hillary’s and Nancy’s bitches or else Trump will try and declare himself Il Douche again.”

(vomits on self)

“Where’s my sticker? I was promised a sticker.”
Redshirt

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You know, despite my rugged good looks, my very huge penis, and my celebrity lifestyle (believe all or nothing here), I’ve been down a bit lately. I’ll explain this 4ch*n style so it’s easy for me to type.

Wife was in hospital early June
intestines telescoping into each other and pushing back up into stomach
10 day hospital stay
slow recovery but feeling like her old self after 5-6 weeks
same symptoms happen last week
another emergency surgery
they do permanent fix this time, though a lot more cutting
BP is high
heart rate is high
BP under control
HR not under control
take her home today
now gotta figure out heart shit

In the meantime, my mom had COVID, and got better. My dad has it now. With the kids and work and everything, this has been a trying time. I realized I was not in the right frame of mind when I had no desire to eat fast food or burritos or tacos or Chinese or Thai. And porn just bored me.

I know she is not out of the woods yet. We have to get her heart right and make sure her blood pressure stays okay. Going to take time.
TheRevanchist

Make sure you take care of yourself, while you take care of her. Believe me, I know a little something about this. I’m doing better now, but I hit a very rough patch when Gumby wasn’t doing well. We’re both in a better place than we were, but he’s on disability for good reasons, and is never really going to be well again. I’m always going to have to do most of the heavy lifting.
Gumbygirl

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If you’re not careful, that Rittenhouse Rye will come from the right without reason and shot you in the face.
Cuntler

Goddamn it!!! That was the exact joke I was going to make but I got “you must be logged in to comment” instead.

This is the worst thing to happen to a middle-aged straight white male in the history of everything.
Horatio Cornblower

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I’m assuming everyone has bought a Mega Millions ticket?
ballsofsteelandfury

Already spending the winnings!
SonOfSpam

You’re spending MY winnings? That’s bold of you.

When I win, I’m inviting you all to a luxury box celebration and we’re getting banned for life from Little Danny’s Shitbox Stadium.
LemonJello

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July 29, 2022 10:40 pm
Well crap, George Jetson will be born in 2 days!
Doktor Zymm

Much longer wait for daughter Judy.
2Pack

Look, I’m pretty sure I picked her in the “cartoon characters you’d like to fuck” draft, so hands off!
Dunstan

Damnit, I checked, and yeah right drafted Judy Jetson, which Commissioner Snagglepuss allowed despite some controversy over the age rule. I settled for Jane.

And yes, that’s a weird paragraph to write.
Dunstan

(somewhere at FBI HQ)

“DFO?! Again?! Damn, I’m tired of checking out these false alarms from those idiots! It always ends up the same: grown-up adult babies and too much beer. Sorry, America. We could’ve found the smoking gun to send Trump to jail, but Dunstan has a crush on Judy Jetson!”
Redshirt

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Periodic reminder that Mike Zimmer is wonderful:

Don T

I wonder what would have happened if he had missed. The balls to act all smug when a kicker really had the game on the line is something.
Sharkbait

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Kyle Rittenhouse looks really good for a 50 year old wine mom who recently decided to go by ‘they/them’
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

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So what percentage of our MegaMillions winnings will be going to clubhouse improvements and what percentage to a super-soft DFOcon?
Doktor Zymm

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I CALL LIVERPOOL AN UNDERPAID AMAZON WORKER BECAUSE THEY’RE PACKING THAT BOX TIGHTLY AND THEY’RE DOING IT IN UNION.
scotchnaut

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This reminds me that Rush Limbaugh is dead, which makes me grin.
Horatio Cornblower

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Just signed up for a Turkmenistan trip next September. I’m stacking it with another trip I already had planned along the north of France, Spain and Portugal. I won’t be able to take any time off next summer to be sure I’ll have enough PTO for 3.5 weeks off (during my birthday month!), but I don’t usually travel much during the summer anyway as that’s when ‘normal people’ take their vacations and I dig off-season travel. I can’t wait to see the gold toilet statue that follows the sun and the gates of hell (hopefully they won’t have filled it in yet)!
Doktor Zymm

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I burned out with most fantasy sports about 2 years ago, which has lead to burning out of most sports. Turns out when you find out the athletes are awful people & it feels like the league makes up rules on the go, pro leagues aren’t very fun.
Wakezilla

spoken like a true…Dolphins supporter. FUCK YOU, DOLPHIN!! 😀
King Hippo

Wakezilla’s constant, recurring wetdream/nightmare:

WCS

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For the fantasy league thing, if you aren’t having fun anymore then drop it. And for life in general
Game Time Decision

(in BED)
King Hippo

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Found a funny;

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: ok

me: places a hamster next to his dog thanks
rockingdog

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Found a funny;

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
rockingdog

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One of my main kitchen rules is to NEVER put knives into a sink of dish water. Safety reasons.

Guess who just put a knife in dish water?

Guess who just cut the piss out of their finger?

That was supremely stupid.
yeah right

911 Operator: “Can you give your address so we can send the ambulance?”
Yeah Right: “One second, I just gotta post this comment.”
Redshirt

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Pour out some Romulan Ale tonight for Nichelle Nichols, otherwise known as Lt. Uhura
Dunstan

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I pity the fool!

Gumbygirl

The ₐ Team!
Mr. Ayo

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New painting for the DFO clubhouse would be rocking

rockingdog

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Here’s a painting from the East Building of the National Gallery of Art.

I wonder if this guy really looked like this.

Brick Meathook

I guess Keanu Reeves really is immortal.
Dunstan

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Just got my 4th vax.

“How are you doing health wise?”

“I am ridiculously hungover.”

Side eye from Mrs. Cola.
litre_cola

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I have generally enjoyed my travel to places with aggressive hookers, as it’s fun to see the men having to be cautious for once. I have some excellent memories of men asking me to walk them home so they could avoid street harrassment! Back in maybe 2005 on La Rambla in Barcelona I was walking with a guy and got a bit ahead of him when he came running up, grabbing my arm, and shouting back to a pursuing lady of the evening that ‘he was with someone’ 😆
Doktor Zymm

“Who are those scantily-clad women?!”
“Oh, I hired them for the night.”
“Why are they painting the house?”
“Its cheaper this way.”
Redshirt

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Redshirt

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Bill Russell dying suuuuucks
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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