Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 4, 2022 Season

I freely admit to struggles with motivation this week.  NC State put its heart and soul into Saturday night, and came up short (like always, at least since 1983).  And of course, the NFL-assisted-attempted murder of Tua on Thursday.  PS – You want to see The Shield squirm?  NFLPA should demand that that “independent neurologist” scapegoat be released from any and all confidentiality agreements with the team and/or league.

So, I proferred a foolish #ShameBet to Rikki-Tikki-Deadly.  Which I very predictably lost.  TMR! gets the banner treatment, and McDaniels (double BLECH) is off the mark.  Russ cooked some, but the defense was gassed and gave up a back-breaking, time-bleeding drive late.  Really, the die was cast with Melvin Gordon’s Q2 fumble-six.  32-23 is your wet fart, palindromey final.  I HATE EVERYTHING.

You may have missed it, but the Jaguras offense AND defense tallied Q1 scores, and DUUUUUVVVVVAAAALLLL led 14-nil in the City of Brotherly Love.  The Greatest Living American (who was on POINT today, also mocked ESPN’s “Aaron Judge cam” mania) had a great line – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia…Until It Isn’t.  The rains came down, and the Iggles rallied.  I fell asleep for a good swath of this one (after PHI ran off 20 in a row, all in Q2), and we finished 29-21.  Philly missed a late 4th and short (rather than try a FG in the rain and slops), but turned Prison Girlfriend over the first play afterward.  That defensing unit just might be legit (and is the only good auction decision I made, going $2 for them).  I still expect JAX to take the Surly Duff Division.  But Philly rolls on to 4-0.  Impressive, winning games in different ways.  Great teams must do just that.

Oh yeah, we played a game BEFORE this, and the London fixture delivered.  28 the hard way won it for the Vikes – that’s 5 FGs and a missed extra point.  Which would have sent us to Extra Time, except Lionel Hutz hit the woodwork on the game’s final play, from 61 – having made from 60 a few minutes earlier.  Yeah, it was cray-cray, despite the “exploits” of the NFL’s two most agreessively white quartered backs.  28-25, and the Saints is in trouble, watch this determine the 7th seed via tiebreaker.  Latavius Murray is somehow still in the League, and good for him.

We have liftoff for the Uncle Jack Yinzers!  Bollo del Verdad got trhe hook at halftime, and SunnyVerse’s favoUrite creeper almost led his charges to a comeback win.  I mean, aside from throwing 3 pickerceptions.  Oops.  But he rushed for a touchdown, and threw pretty OK overall (one pick was the final play Hail Mary, too).  But it was MILF Hunter Z who stole the show, leading Gangrene to the winning score, with 16 seconds left.  Joisey B is now 2-0 on the road, 24-20 winners in Yinzburgh.  As Balls sagely noted, no more kissing tittaaayyyys, except to kiss them goodbye.  You’ll always be a meme legend, Bollo.

Actual winning QB line: 7/19, 139, 0 TD, 1 INT.  Take a bow, Marcus Mariota.  You just enjoyed an afternoon with #ThePauls!  According to RedZone, these were the only sides to score 26+ points in their first 3 games.  Today, neither do.  23-20, Falcons.  Inexplicably, these teams are BOTH 2-2, despite seeming 0-4.  Certainly IN SPIRIT.

Baltimore led 20-3 at home, deep into Q2.  That Bills Mafia bandwagon was leaking a heroic amount of oil.  And Brokeback had maybe his worst game as a pro, at least since he turned good.  But Lamar! had a mare in the second halfm, and the Ratbirds never troubled the scoreboard again.  In a tie game late, Buffalo was able to center the ball at the 3 yard line, and kick a chip shot on the very final play.  23-20, a crucial road win for the once-and-future Superb Owl runaway favoUrites.

Have I mentioned before that Dakota Jeebus is awful?  Today was a good reminder, if you needed one.  The Commies were odd all-black alternate road kits, but to no avail.  Cooper Rush game managers another win, 25-10 to the Non-Gendered Cowpersons.  Sorry, I noticed almost nothing.

Know who combined for almost 700 passing yards, and 93 points?  That’s right, Geno Smith and Baby Buster.  Detroit loves them some bonkers home losses, and this qualified.  48-45 is apparently a Scorinami, no less.  Give Buster some credit for putting up a fight down his top THREE WRs, and best RB.  I think he was throwing to some Madden CPU-generated players by the end.  But man, they just could NOT get a stop.  So, the SeaTruthers get a win, and are somehow a worse 2-2 team than ATL or CLE.  Geno for MVP??

Hey, at least I activated Herbert the Duck off my bench, though I am sure to lose anyhow.  340 and 2 scores, and helped Wee Austin Ekeler break his duck as well.    The screams you hear are from those who finally benched the latter this week.  Clippers du Merde follow their home stinker loss with a workmanlike 34-24 win over the 500s, in a game that was never close.  Unlike ATL, CLE, and SEA, CdM’s 2-2 is a 2-2 with PROMISE.

Tennessee has a formula.  Rush out to 24-27 points, then quit playing entirely, hope the other squadron goes away.  24-3 became 24-10 by the half, but Matty Ice Ice Baby was too cold, too cold.  He could only scrape together one additional Mo Allie-CoxDOWN, and a 24-17 road Tits win in the Gravy Boat.  I won’t call them “perky” just yest, but 2-2 means they’re alive(ish).  Fat Humps are 1-2-1, and can be safely written off.  El Tractorcito ran like he had a point to prove, and maybe he’s not quite glue just yet.

Chi**** took their sucking and fucking tour on the road to the Meadowlands, and a crime against humanity ensued.  The Bearistocrats! were bound and determined to let Dimebag run left off bootleg action, which he did for 68 yards and BOTH of the game’s TDs.  Jones only managed THREE MORE yards THROWING, and his side won the game, 20-12.  Jumpin’ Jesus on a Pogo Stick, that’s some shit football.  Chi**** won the FG kicking battle 4-2 (or 12-6, if you want to look from another perspective), so there’s always that.

I guess the short version of things? Lots of franchises could use a QB in the 2023 Draft.

We already talked Donks/Raiders, and the 9/3 split meant that we only had two other late matchups.  Both wet bags of shit.

Perhaps this sequence wraps it up best.  4th and inches on their own 40, the snap goes about 10 feet over Wee Kyler’s head.  He does manage to get to the ball and fire an incompletion, saving almost 20 yards of field position.  Baker, Baker, the Turnover Maker tossed a pickerception a few plays later.  Good Christ.  Tied at 10, Johnny Hekker completes a pass on a fake punt, but BLEERGH noted an illegal man downfield.  Melvin Gordon really should play for one of these teams.  Mayfield then made his best play of the game in Q4.  Unfortunately, it was a post-INT tackle, that prevented a Pick Six.  Wee Kyler would walk into the end zone two plays later, untouched.  AZ finishes off a 26-16 road win, and Matt Rhule’s NFL career.

Hoyer Country was a short-lived Empire, as he died early and we got to see the P*ts’ 3rd stringer!  BRING ME THE ZAPPE!  Turns out, he kinda sucked.  “Kinda” being Southern-polite for “really, REALLY.”  Why do us Southerners keep pretending to be polite?  We are just as big an asshole(s) as anybody else.  Anyway, somehow Grumblelord (ok, mostly thanks to Q-aaron self-sabotage, with a Pick Six heading into the half) kept his team hanging around.  Doubs dropped the winning TD, so we head for Extra Time at 24-all.  P*ts had good field position on their sole offensive drive but couldn’t get the one first down they needed to attempt a FG.  Bay of Green then bled the clock dry, kicked a chippie for the gross 27-24 win.

There was a night game, which I mandatorily watched.  On mute.  But I refuse to report upon that puppy abortion.  MRSA surprisingly and blissfully LOSES to the Chefs, 41-31.  It was never close, whenever I paid scant attention.