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Your “Free Agency Begins” Monday Open Thread

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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It appears that ArmedandHammered has been trapped in The Warp (also known as the Immaterium, the Empyrean, the Aether, the Sea of Souls, the Realm of Chaos,or the Warpspace) so it’s your old friend Rikki here to fill in.  Some random notes:

I bought some “bone-conduction” headphones to use while swimming laps and I gotta say, I’m pretty pleased.  It’s going to take a little adjustment to get used to them and I’ll probably have to change my lap progression a bit (I wear different goggles for backstroke, so I normally switch them every 20 laps) and it’ll be necessary to write a little code to rename files prior to loading them onto the device (it plays things in alphabetical order by filename – so if the individual tracks are numbered 01, 02, etc. it’s fine, but otherwise things will get jumbled up), but beyond those minor issues it’s pretty thrilling to be able to listen to music (or recordings of the anguished wails of Iraqi orphans, if such is your thing, cough cough, Don Rumsfeld, rot in hell you piece of human excrement your value to the world as compost is greater than it ever was when you were alive) while underwater.

A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I know my way around a sewing machine and one of things I’ve created for myself is a headband for swimming.  I don’t like wearing a cap, but I want to protect my forehead from the sun and preserve these youthful good looks of mine so I bought some swimsuit material from Joanne’s and crafted it into a…

— [WORDPRESS EDITOR FLIES OPEN] —

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: Rikki…?

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Oh, hey buddy.  What’s up?

DTZM: You don’t have to keep typing.

RTD: Are they all asleep?

DTZM: Each and every one.

RTD: Oh, good.  You get packed up for Indian Wells yet?

DTZM: Sure did.  I even whipped up an edition of DFO Radio for us to listen to on the drive out there.

RTD: Fantastic! I can’t wait to get this show on the road.

 

 

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Here’s an ethical question for you–

I accidentally left my laptop charger at home (like a dumbass). The hotel I’m staying at was kind enough to bring me a bucket of laptop cords from the lost and found. Do I keep it or just use it while I’m here? It would be handy to have the whole plane ride back, obviously, but I’m unclear on if that’s the right thing to do vice returning it to the front desk on my way out.

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King Hippo

Leave it at another hotel lost and found once you get back home.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

See this is what I was thinking

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WCS

As a veteran of the hospitality industry, it’s really your choice. Chances are, you’re the third or fourth person to use that same cord this year. The hotel won’t notice, nor would they care.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hang onto it and tip the maid a little more than normal; they are the ones who make sure those things end up in the “lost and found”.

4
2Pack

I would give it back.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I agree with giving it back

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SonOfSpam

I agree with these two swarthy gentlemen.

1
2Pack

It’s the old Boy Scout in me.

2
SonOfSpam

If he’s old, I guess that’s legal.

4
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

this is the way

1
blaxabbath

“Take them all. Sell the ones that don’t match your computer.

For any you can’t sell, cut them. Don’t want to go driving down the value of that cord you did keep.”

– Silicon Valley Bank CEO Greg Becker

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Woo hoo! Guess which sleazy Hollywood producer gets to see Emily Raducanu play tomorrow night?

comment image

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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SonOfSpam

Raducanu can do, but Sartre is smartre.

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herodotus450

Apparently all you need to do is win one measly tennis tournament to be appointment an MBE, what is this empire coming to!

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey, is there an equivalent to the “mile high club” for having had sex on a train? If not, please propose a name for such a club.

4
herodotus450

The “hope you used protection because that baby is gonna be messed up from all the benzene on this train” club

4
Dunstan

Railin’ and Nailin’

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Dunstan

Wham-Bam-thank-you-Amtrak

2
Gumbygirl

Hopefully it’s not an Express

1
SonOfSpam

RAILED

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Sharkbait

Ride the D to Longwood?

comment image

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SonOfSpam

Getting It In The Caboose

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SonOfSpam

Chattanooga Screw=Spew

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Beerguyrob

Another Peyton joke?

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SonOfSpam

Only if it’s unwanted

1
Beerguyrob

I once “took a ride on the Orient Express”, which is three euphemisms in one.

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SonOfSpam

The 3:10 To Yourmom

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Tunnel Club?

1
WCS

Be quiet in Acela car!

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Senor Weaselo

“There is for sex with a train.” -Houston

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Getting Railroad Tied?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ooh Sleeper Car Crew?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Doing a little peripheral research; I like “golden spike club”.

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blaxabbath

The Trainee Club

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Senor Weaselo

Israel loses to Puerto Rico via walk-off mercy rule which solidifies an 8-inning perfect game. I haven’t seen this kind of defeat of Israel since the Babylonians.

Last edited 3 years ago by Senor Weaselo
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Beerguyrob

I am listening to WineWife fill out her pool, and she seems to be using the Diane Chambers method for picking winners.

Except for Tennessee. “That’s where Peyton went, right? Fuck that guy.” She picked against them.

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Gumbygirl

Mine is completely insane. I expect to be dead last in the DFO pool.

Last edited 3 years ago by Gumbygirl
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Sharkbait

I’ll give you a run for your money in the pool.

3
Gumbygirl

Oh no, Dick Fosbury Flopped.

3
SonOfSpam

Bummer, what an innovator.

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2Pack

Pity, he changed the event. I high jumped in HS track until my junior year when I got too big for it. I was still doing the western roll, could not master the flop.

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SonOfSpam

I flopped (a harbinger for adulthood) but I never topped 6 feet. It is DIFFICULT.

(And for those who have seen me IRL, I was a twig in high school)

1
LongtimeLionsLoser

For anyone who wants to know, the Ukrainian term for dumbass is “Bow-van”

Last edited 3 years ago by LongtimeLionsLoser
3
WCS

I always heard it pronounced, “pooh-tynn.”

5
Sharkbait

Sharkette’s passport arrived today. We’re all set for the Caribbean in June!

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LongtimeLionsLoser

My wife is yelling at my mother-in-law in Ukrainian. My mother-in-law has been staying with us for five months.

It is bourbon o’clock for this guy.

Last edited 3 years ago by LongtimeLionsLoser
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TheRevanchist

My wife yells at her mom in Russian every time they talk. After I run an errand, I’ll be joining you on the booze train.

1
LongtimeLionsLoser

My wife can yell at her mom in Russian too, but Ukrainian is my wife’s angry language (so the one that she uses the most).

1
Beerguyrob

It’s Latvian in this house. Russian is for pigs and murderers, apparently.

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LongtimeLionsLoser

The Ukrainians here agree.

2
LongtimeLionsLoser

So my funny Russian story.

My wife and I took my son skiing in Breckenridge, CO. A lot of Russians ski there, and so every time my wife would hear them speaking Russian, she would tell me “fucking cowardly swine” in Ukrainian.

5
blaxabbath

You guys should be spies…

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rod and Todd are officially retired (they hung up their hats after Diamond of Diamond and Silk kicked it) but they would otherwise be very enthusiastically responding to this story:

https://mobile.twitter.com/benryanwriter/status/1635318742287802368

4
litre_cola

The Premier of my province is a horsepaste believer. She is Desantis level of ridiculous.

1
Gumbygirl

How timely, I was just talking to my former Big Bear neighbor, who also took horse dewormer to ward off the Covid!

1
Sharkbait

Did you use a Ouija board?

3
Gumbygirl

She’s alive. Braindead, but still breathing. She wants to know who my SIL used to clear the snow from her driveway.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tell her he contracted the Jews to melt it away using their space laser.

3
Gumbygirl

Ha! I’ll tell her it was aliens.

2
blaxabbath

What happens when Silk dies? She’s the fat one, right?

Pardon me….

I meant, Silk is the fat one who isn’t dead yet, right?

Last edited 3 years ago by blaxabbath
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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’ve got the bone conducting headphones for running. I like them as it let’s me hear what’s going on around me. Mainly the cars filled with bad drivers that somehow don’t see my 6’5″ frame wearing high fucking viability shirts.

2
WCS

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“Bone conducting.”

“He’s a boner maestro. Huh huh huh.”

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Updated Songs of the South playlist is live. Apologies if I missed anyone but I think I did a pretty good job of getting at least one of everyone’s requests on there.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Are you still putting these on Spotify or is that just a giant pain in the ass?

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t been. Though I don’t think it’s too difficult. I’ll check it out, um, some other time.

1
DJ TAJ

Maybe I should cut down on the beverages but some of those words strike fear into my incomplete mind.

Not sure if:“bone-conduction” or using:  goggles for backstroke is safe.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They’re basically just little encased speakers that rest against your temples. As long as they don’t fall apart in two weeks it will be a very well-spent $30. It’s got 16 gigs of space too so there’s plenty of room to put whatever I want on it.

0
Gumbygirl

Gumby had a pair of those, but he has a massive head, so they broke trying to encompass his melon.

Last edited 3 years ago by Gumbygirl
0
litre_cola

I believe Nina Hartley was one of the first bone conductors, if memory serves me correct.

6
LemonJello

A talented skin flutist, to be sure.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[puts an engineer’s hat on the remains of one of his victims and works its like a puppet]

“Look at me, I’m a bone conductor!” – scotchnaut

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I always thought bone conducting was Balls’s speciality

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sort of relevant:

comment image

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ballsofsteelandfury

Very relevant and thank you!

2
DJ TAJ

But why does my butt hurt?

2
BugEyedBoo

A guy I worked with bought a high-powered sewing machine that can stitch quarter-inch thick leather. Which gave him serious he-man sewing cred. Then he made this giant leather manbag, which gave all that he-man sewing credit right back.

2
King Hippo

I bet he could make a mean skin suit!

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My ex-girlfriend has an overlocking machine that I borrow from time to time. I last used it to make a cashmere sweater for the dog (out of an old cashmere sweater of mine).

1
Gumbygirl

.

The-Most-Interesting-Man-in-the-World.jpg
2
Brick Meathook

I was taught the manly stitches for: 1) repairing or replacing a shoe sole (you use a special tool with a hooked needle; 2) sutures (curved needle with forceps); and 3) sail repair. Heavy weather Dacron sails are the hardest because you have to drill the holes first, no needle can be pushed through that stuff. I should point out that I’m also terrible at actually doing these all of these stitches.

3
blaxabbath

An awl?

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