Boss Todd’s Garage, Episode 16: The 2005 Citroën C3 Pluriel

[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

BUT YOU KNOW WHO’S NOT FUCKIN’ BACK? MY GODDAMN FOOTBALL TEAM. FUCK, DO WE FUCKIN’ SUCK. Holy SHIT. Practise this week is nothing but suicides and Oklahoma drills. Lose one more and I will start running these layabout sons of whores over with a John Deere.  I swear to FUCK I’ll do it. Two points against Birmingham. TWO POINTS. Jesus Christ. Helen Keller could’ve gotten more separation on routes that my bitch-ass receivers.

Football is dumb as shit. I’m this close to rippin’ burnouts on the 50 and flippin’ the bird to everyone. Let’s talk cars for a little while.

THE CITROËN C3 PLURIEL

Model Year: 2005

Total units produced: 109,000 (2003-10)

Vehicle type: Two-door, soft-top multi-configuration small car

Engine: 1.4L inline 4, 1398cc, 70 HP

Drivetrain: FWD

Transmission: 5-speed manual

Gross weight: 2700 lbs.

0-60 time: 15.6 seconds

Top speed: 117 MPH

Vehicle cost: €15,500 (equivalent to $24,235.62 USD in 2023)

What makes this car interesting?

Believe it or not, some people on this earth are stupid enough to be completely obsessed with French automobiles. These individuals all clearly need electroshock therapy. Regardless, for the modern, discerning French-obsessed maniac, there’s one model in particular that shines above all others in delivering a unique driving experience.

Citroën has long been a staple of the French automotive industry alongside well-known brands like Renault and Peugeot; while all have international reputation, it’s reasonable to say that Citroën is definitely the quirkiest of the three. Best known for being early pioneers in four-wheel drive and in hydropneumatic suspension, the most popular Citroën of all time was the 2CV, which sold 3.8 million units from 1948-1990. Despite being hilariously underpowered and lacking creature comforts of many newer models, its extreme simplicity and low price made it a staple of French roadways for much of the 20th century. As such, Citroën really wanted to capitalize on the nostalgia for its best-known car when it designed the 3C in the late 1990s.

The 3C was launched worldwide (save for North America) in 2002 as a five-door hatchback, but the “Pluriel” version, which we’ll focus on right now, was definitely not that. What was it? Well, Citroen billed it as many different vehicles – all in one. Its soft top could fold down, taking it from a covered hatchback into one with a big, open moonroof. You could then remove the side pillars and turn it into a proper roadster. Fold the rear seats flat and flip the tailgate down, and now you have a mini pickup. It’s brilliant! If you’re looking for a vehicle to cater to the widest customer base possible… why not pick this one?

What makes this car stupid?

Want to take the 3C Pluriel from roofed hatchback to pillarless roadster? Well, you better get the disassembly order correct, because you’ll quickly break the electric roof retraction if you don’t. Speaking of electric retractable roofs – if you’re looking for a vehicle that’s definitely watertight and not prone to random catastrophic leaks… keep looking. The build quality of Citroëns has long been considered suspect at best, and this model did absolutely nothing to change consumer opinions.

But oh boy. The coup de grace, so to speak… what to do with the roof pillars when you remove them from the car? Where do you put them? There’s no space built into the car to store them, so if you want to ride around with the top down, you have to either flip the rear seats down, or leave them at home and hope & pray to god that you and your three passengers have good weather for the entire duration of your ride, because if you have to stop at all to get the roof back up, you’re fucked. By the way – the roof pillars weigh about 50 pounds each. Definitely something the average 85-year-old woman could manoeuvre easily, right?

Oh, and one other good bit – yes, the seats fold down, and yes, the tailgate flips out, giving you a flatbed to haul things around. However, it’s illegal to drive it in this configuration. Why, you ask? Well, the rear license plate was obscured, and the car didn’t come with a hinged flip-down plate mount in order to work around this legality. Great planning there, Citroën!

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

Flip down seats? Mini flatbed? Load yourself a blowup mattress in the back and gaze up lovingly at the twinkling stars all around you as you head on a trip to POUND TOWN. Or, rather, be dour and morose the entire time, because everything in life is utter bullshit to the French.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

FRONT WHEEL DRIVE? Those fuckers should’ve given up Paris forever and ever. When these assholes are finally conquered by Germany once and for all I hope to FUCKING SHIT that FWD is banned forever. Listen, I gotta be realistic. Not everyone can be BOSS TODD when you got a budget to work with. I get that. So that’s why I’m FUCKING MAD that the French had a cool cheap little car that ticks all the BOSS TODD boxes – and then desecrated it with wrong-wheel drive. Fuck. We need to melt the Eiffel Tower down for scrap and turn it into a new Hummer or two. Fuck those miserable assholes forever.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.