Football is done in Baltimore for the 2015 season and purple camo wearing fans are circling M&T Bank stadium with pitchforks, torches, and lukewarm cans of Natty Boh Ice. (Perfect for smoothing things out when the meth is wearing off and your monthly check is on its way and there’s no booger sugar left.)
They’re all yelling for the pumpkin like head of defensive coordinator Dean Pees.
Like it’s his entire fault. Stupid fuckers.
Let’s say that he owns the entire medical waste fire that is the 2015 season – he’ll be gone in December. Meanwhile, here are a few things he was seen doing while sitting in his cozy booth on game day.
1. Using Wooly Willy toy to recreate Steve Biscotti’s hairdo.
2. Searching for MC Hammer memorabilia on EBay.
3. Composing a sonnet that immortalizes Flacco’s eyebrows.
4. Playing full contact Jenga with Steve Smith’s sons.
5. Making prank phone calls to Cam Cameron and asking if he has Prince Amukamara in a can.
6. Diving into the porn stash left behind by Rex Ryan.
7. Trying to eat 50 hardboiled eggs.
8. Drawing up plans for a fort to build in his living room after his ass gets canned.
9. Swapping dirty limericks with Ozzie Newsome.
10. Submitting loan application forms for his bikini waxing business.
11. Reading Beaver Hunt issues cunningly hidden inside his playbook.
12. Circling the differences in the Highlights magazine.
13. Making a fleet of paper airplanes using pages from Brian Billick’s book.
14. Joining extreme parasailing league.
15. Making hot chocolate for the guys in the press box.
16. Building a webpage dedicated to Christmas Ape.
17. Getting to the bottom of this whole Loch Ness mystery.
18. Selecting songs for his Ethel Merman tribute album, “Merman with a Side of Pees”.
19. Tying up chicken necks for some late fall crab catching.
20. Mastering Tecmo Bowl.
21. Getting through one chapter of Gravity’s Rainbow.
22. Sending audition tapes to America’s Got Talent.
23. Deciding on what kind of furry he wants to be.
24. Catching up on My Little Pony via Netflix.
25. Writing his first submission for DFO, entitled, “JJ Fozz is an Unoriginal Hack Who Needs to Get Laid”
26. Mastering Five-Finger-Filet, aka, Bishop’s knife trick from Aliens
27. Anagramming Jeremy Irons.
28. Consulting for DraftKings while competing for FanDuel.
How did we not make one of these “1. Dean Pees” ???
Coaches go to the bar restroom together.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/7570636b9a9b411245ec69ef54a4b007/tumblr_nwi6q0Y79f1qm3rsfo1_400.gif
I don’t think you’re an unoriginal hack. The getting laid part, though, may be true.
How am I just finding out there is a coach (really, anyone) with the last name “Pees?” I feel like you’ve all let me down…
http://i.imgur.com/Zqjb6F3.png
Three used toilets and a broken washing machine in his front yard.
Finallys minds his Qs
29. Checking his email to see if Chris Berman accepted his “Green” nickname suggestion, closing his playbook to reduce methane emissions.
30. Seeing if he can find a way onto the Lions next year to coach alongside Jim Bob Cooter.
Pees and Cooter! HOW IS THIS IMAGINARY SHOW NOT ALREADY ON BASIC CABLE?!
Dean Peas himself?