David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 19: Tried and True Trepanation

The Maestro - May 12, 2022May 11, 2022

Good morning. Headaches again, huh? Let me just go get the Black and Decker. All my other instruments are still in the autoclave. Oh, don't grimace like that. You want budget? You're getting budget. Hell, if you make it, this one will be totally free - I promise. TREPANATION: NOTHING LIKE

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 18: Lending A Sympathetic Hand

The Maestro - May 5, 2022May 5, 2022

Good morning. Thanks for stopping by. I'm just rushing out to play golf, but I have a few seconds to take a look at what's going on here. And... oh. How did you cut yourself using a plastic butter knife? Do I even want to know? I may be your

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 17: Blubbering Away The Pain

The Maestro - April 28, 2022April 28, 2022

Good morning. I have the medical reports requested for your NFL Draft preparation; my only caveat is that you don't ask how I managed to acquire this information. Remember: cash remains king, and silence says just as much as your Tweets. What I can tell you is this: I think

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 16: Cutting to the Core With Psychic Surgery

The Maestro - April 21, 2022April 21, 2022

Good morning. I just read your charts from before; I understand the voices in your head this week are telling you that you're in immense pain? Sorry to hear this. But fortunately, I have some good news - I think I can make the voices go away. If you're willing

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 15: Porpoiseful Pregnancy Patronage

The Maestro - April 14, 2022April 14, 2022

Good morning! I... Oh. I see. Yeah, I can get you some Plan B, but you really need to be more discreet about this in future. I promise I won't even ask which cheerleader it was this time... Hey, just thank your lucky stars that I'm still able to help

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 14: Hangover Help From Historical Hordes

The Maestro - April 7, 2022April 7, 2022

Tylenol? Here, take the whole bottle. I know it's probably not strictly ethical for me to give you this many all at once, but we really shouldn't have had all those Bloody Marys hanging out in the pool after playing golf yesterday. I feel just as rough as you are. Take

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 13: Teething Solutions For The Modern Mother

The Maestro - March 31, 2022March 31, 2022

Look, I know you're frustrated about not being able to sleep, but I don't do pediatrics - I'm sorry. No, Darren Sproles doesn't count! But I empathize. I do. Teething's no fun for anybody. I could potentially refer you to my buddy, Dr. Earl Bradley, down in Delaware... but I

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 12: Life, Lungs, Love, and Laughter: Tips And Tricks For The Leader In You!

The Maestro - March 24, 2022March 23, 2022

I'm going to have to ask you to cough for me this morning. I know you've been up all night coughing, but you have to understand that for a patient such as yourself with known breathing issues, you really need to be more aware of the risks of riding shotgun

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 11: The Sacred Seizure And What It Means

The Maestro - March 17, 2022March 16, 2022

Good morning. Seems you had quite the night. I must say... it's probably better that you try and limit the number of times you wake up completely covered in blood. I would certainly prefer it if you only did it when you weren't under NFL contract, you know. It means

The Maestro Goes To A Meeting (Your Tuesday Night Open Thread)

The Maestro - March 15, 2022March 15, 2022

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[EXT. A cold, barren Canadian wasteland.] [A man in a giant parka dismounts from the back of a polar bear. The bear is haggard, having trudged for days through the deep snow while carrying the man.] [The man gives the bear a gentle nuzzle on his snout]. MAN: Thanks, pal. You've earned yourself

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 10: The Gentle Kiss Of The Red-Hot Poker

The Maestro - March 10, 2022March 9, 2022

Good morning. Have a seat. Oh, I see. Well, maybe grab that throw pillow in the corner there and give it a try. Ah, very well. Hemorrhoids. Yes, I understand, and empathize. Well of course I can deal with those for you. However, before we begin, I must ask - did you

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 9: Rabies Gets An Unfair Rep!

The Maestro - March 3, 2022March 2, 2022

Good morning, patient. That's quite the nasty bite you've got on your finger. Looks like a canine tooth... Oh, I see. Yes, that's fine, I won't mention your fetishes to the rest of the internet... nobody needs to know what your side pieces have been doing to you. That said,