[EXT. A cold, barren Canadian wasteland.]
[The man gives the bear a gentle nuzzle on his snout].
[The bear wanders off as the man makes his away into the igloo directly in front of him. It’s the only structure around for hundreds of miles.]
SEATED MAN 1: [softly] Your words betray your thoughts.
SEATED MAN 2: [also softly] What does your soul say to you?
MAN: So, I should just… grab a seat right there, I guess.
SEATED MAN 3: What were you called, in your previous life?
MAN: Well… I…
[The MAN is overcome by a series of flashbacks.]
[We see, in rapid succession, the innocence of youth, followed by the camaraderie of adolescence, and the rites of passage celebrated by family and friends alike. A sunny sky, a grassy field, and the roar of the crowd intermingle. There are flashes of shiny metal and gems, and the smell of leather, champagne, and hydrogen peroxide. Splashes of blue, silver, white, red, and black rush by at dizzying speeds. Time moves dizzyingly fast, and yet manages to stay still all at once.]
MAN: … I was once known as The Maestro. But I’m not sure if that’s true anymore.
SEATED MAN 1: You came to seek us out, though.
SEATED MAN 2: You travelled day and night and faced great dangers to arrive here.
THE MAESTRO: This is all true. And yet I am still unclear why exactly I’m sitting in this igloo. All I know is I felt compelled to be here.
SEATED MAN 3: There were whispers from all corners of the earth that swept through here recently. You felt them.
THE MAESTRO: I… Maybe?
SEATED MAN 1: He’s back.
SEATED MAN 2: He’s back.
THE MAESTRO: Who?
SEATED MAN 3: Your soul knows already. Otherwise you would not have risked the journey.
THE MAESTRO: [with dawning realization] No way. That’s impossible.
SEATED MAN 1: And yet you felt it.
THE MAESTRO: But… that’s insane. Hasn’t he done enough already? I thought I’d already felt everything I could’ve ever felt about him.
SEATED MAN 2: So you feel something new, too.
THE MAESTRO: Is this… hatred? Is this loathing?
SEATED MAN 3: Your truth will reveal itself in time.
THE MAESTRO: But… How could I feel different? Why is this happening? Why am I here?
SEATED MAN 1: Many questions.
SEATED MAN 2: Some answers.
SEATED MAN 3: But above all, patience.
SEATED MAN 1: I was once like you. A simple man, with a simple life. Lived on Staten Island, was thrilled when Bill Parcells joined the Jets. And it all came crashing down.
SEATED MAN 2: I saw Ryan Fitzpatrick finally defeat Tom Brady at Orchard Park in 2011, and it was the greatest day of my life. All for naught.
SEATED MAN 3: The Dolphins used the Wildcat in 2008, and it was immaculate.
ALL 3 SEATED MEN: [in unison] And that motherfucker still made our lives miserable.
THE MAESTRO: This is crazy. I’m clearly dehydrated. The temperature swing is making me hallucinate.
SEATED MAN 1: Do you know why we sit here, day in, and day out?
THE MAESTRO: Because you’re bitter, broken men?
SEATED MAN 2: Yes.
SEATED MAN 3: But mostly, we desire change.
SEATED MAN 1: We’re tired of the old ways. We yearn for the new.
SEATED MAN 2: By waiting here, we cleanse ourselves of the pain and suffering of years gone by, awaiting the new era when his cursed name may no longer be spoken of on this earth.
THE MAESTRO: But what about me? What about all of us who were genuinely positively affected by him? What of all the heartfelt words I had just weeks ago? Are they meaningless now?
SEATED MAN 3: No, no. The past is never meaningless. It continues to shape us, sometimes in ways we may not necessarily ever understand.
SEATED MAN 1: But we must always strive to move forward. All of us, for better or worse, have had our lives shaped by this man.
SEATED MAN 2: There comes a time, though, when all of us must acquiesce and allow for time to run its natural course.
SEATED MAN 3: Time waits for no man… and so we, too, must wait for time to run out. What’s happening here is unnatural and an abomination.
THE MAESTRO: So time always turns all of our emotions on their ear, regardless of our own actions and beliefs? Isn’t that awfully Calvinist of you to propose?
SEATED MAN 1: You are no exception.
SEATED MAN 2: Look within.
THE MAESTRO: I don’t know what to make of all this.
SEATED MAN 3: Nobody does. All one can do, when one is sick and tired of the world, is to wait.
SEATED MAN 1: And while we have waited here for a long, long, long time…
SEATED MAN 2: … At least we came prepared.
[The third man turns to reach behind his seat, looking deep within a large burlap sack.]
SEATED MAN 3: Molson? [He passes an opened bottle of beer over to THE MAESTRO.]
[The others grab their own bottles.]
SEATED MAN 1: [Toasting] To change.
THE MAESTRO: To change.
SEATED MAN 2: Welcome to the Tom Brady Fucked Us Over Club, friend. We appreciate every new member. Hopefully this will be his final year.
[THE MAESTRO has already gulped down his entire Molson and has already cracked another one.]
THE MAESTRO: Yes. Hopefully.
[The four men sit in silence as the fire crackles. As the snowstorm continues to rage into the night, all is quiet and still in the igloo. For now. ]
***
NFL NEWS
Lots going on today in advance of free agency officially beginning tomorrow!
- Earlier today, New England traded OLB Chase Winovich to Cleveland in exchange for LB Mack Wilson. Both guys didn’t play much last year for their respective teams, so a change of scenery might just be what the doctor ordered.
- Arizona converted WR DeAndre Hopkins’ $10.65 million roster bonus into a signing bonus, freeing up around $7.1 million of cap space for 2022.
- Detroit is set to sign former Jaguars WR DJ Chark to a one-year deal worth $12 million when free agency officially begins tomorrow.
- The Steelers tendered an RFA offer to QB Dwayne Haskins for $2.45 million; if signed, the Steelers’ QB situation is looking awfully crowded with both Mitch Trubisky and Mason Rudolph also on the roster.
- The Rams cut 10-year veteran punter Johnny Hekker; I can almost guarantee he’ll have a new job very soon.
- Former Saints safety Marcus Williams signed a 5-year, $70 million deal with Baltimore; about $37 million is guaranteed. That’s a YUGE upgrade in the secondary for the Ratbirds.
- DE Randy Gregory almost re-signed with Dallas, but instead opted to go for an identical 5-year, $70 million deal with Denver. Apparently the Non-Gendered Cowpersons blew up the deal on some specific contract wording that Gregory’s camp did not like. Shocker!
- Cleveland released C JC Tretter after trying unsuccessfully to trade him earlier; Tretter also serves as the current president of the NFLPA.
- Rams LT Andrew Whitworth announced his retirement earlier today; after 16 seasons in the NFL with Cincinatti and LA, he goes out on top as a Super Bowl champion and winner of the Walter Payton Man of the Year award. Not a bad way to finish off a great career.
- Pittsburgh is signing former Bears offensive lineman James Daniels to a 3-year, $26.5 million deal; his familiarity with playing with Mitch Trubisky might serve him well, particularly if Trubisky wins the starters’ job as pundits are currently predicting.
- QAaron and the Packers announced the finalization of his monster new deal earlier today, he’ll make $150 million guaranteed over the next three years, including a cap hit of $42 million for 2022, $59.5 million (!!!!!!!!!!) in 2023, and $49.3 million in 2024. That’s a lot of money to throw a football and be an insufferable prick. We clearly have much to learn about both skills, apparently.
- New England traded OG Shaq Mason to Tampa in exchange for a fifth-round pick; he won two Super Bowls while Tom Brady was still on the Patriots, so hopefully he’ll fit in quickly on his new team. The Patriots also re-signed RB James White to a two-year, $5 million extension, giving them some added flexibility on third down looks and uptempo offenses.
- Speaking of Tampa, the Bucs are preparing to sign former Atlanta Falcon Russell Gage to a deal very soon. With Calvin Ridley suspended, the Falcons are now completely fucked for receivers this year.
- Atlanta signed K Younghoe Koo to a five-year extension worth $24.25 million; $11.5 million of that total is guaranteed money. With his new contract, Koo becomes the second-highest-paid kicker in the league, behind only Baltimore’s Justin Tucker.
SPORTS ON TV TONIGHT
JV ROUNDBALL:
| NCAA First Four: (16) Texas A&M-CC vs (16) Texas Southern | 6:40pm | truTV |
| NIT First Round: Missouri State at OKlahoma | 7:00pm | ESPN |
| NIT First Round: Belmont at Vanderbilt | 7:00pm | ESPN2 |
| NIT First Round: Princeton at VCU | 7:00pm | ESPNU |
| NIT First Round: Oregon at Utah State | 9:00pm | ESPN |
| NIT First Round: Alcorn State at Texas A&M | 9:00pm | ESPN2 |
| NIT First Round: Cleveland State at Xavier | 9:00pm | ESPNU |
| NCAA First Four: (12) Indiana vs (12) Wyoming | 9:10pm | truTV |
| NIT First Round: St. Bonaventure at Colorado | 11:00pm | ESPN2 |
| NIT First Round: Santa Clara at Washington State | 11:00pm | ESPNU |
ROUNDBALL:
| Brooklyn at Orlando | 7:00pm | YES Bally Sports |
| Memphis at Indiana | 7:00pm | Bally Sports |
| Detroit at Miami | 7:30pm | Bally Sports |
| Phoenix at New Orleans | 8:00pm | NBATV Bally Sports |
ICE FOOTY:
| Arizona at Montreal | 7:00pm | Bally Sports Sportsnet |
| Anaheim at NY Rangers | 7:00pm | Bally Sports MSG |
| Dallas at Toronto | 7:00pm | Bally Sports Sportsnet |
| NY Islanders at Washignton | 7:00pm | MSG+ NBCS-WSH |
| Pittsburgh at Nashville | 8:00pm | ATTSN-PIT Bally Sports |
| Vegas at Winnipeg | 8:00pm | ATTSN-RM Sportsnet |
| Boston at Chicago | 8:30pm | NBCS-CHI NESN |
| Detroit at Edmonton | 9:00pm | Bally Sports Sportsnet |
| New Jersey at Vancouver | 10:00pm | MSG+ Sportsnet |
| Colorado at Los Angeles | 10:30pm | ALT Bally Sports |
| Florida at San Jose | 10:30pm | ESPN+ HULU |
LESSER FOOTY:
| Copa Sudamericana: Metropolitanos vs Estudiantes Mérida | 6:15pm | beIN Sports |
| Copa Sudamericana: Oriente Petrolero vs Royal Pari | 6:15pm | beIN Sports |
| Copa Libertadores: Barcelona vs América Mineiro | 8:30pm | beIN Sports |
| CONCACAF Champions League: Comunicaciones vs New York City | 9:00pm | TUDN |
OK, go make some good #content, people.
I’m tired, going to read for a while. Peace out.
I was expecting Boots and The Ginger to show up at some point….
I should write a novel that’s a cross between classic Russian literature and quantum physics. The existential dread of a photon defies measurement at the same time as it is a product of its measurement. Does time dance to the photon’s tune? No, for the photon is irrevocably bound by the curvature of the fabric of the universe, and must face both the internal and external conservation of consequences. Also the photon drinks a lot of vodka and wears a fur hat.
“In Soviet Russia, waveform collapses observer!”
I read one where Anna Karenina is an android, so why the hell not? If anyone can pull it off, it’s you!
I read that! I enjoyed it!
I did too. And I also loved Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies. I have a Jane Austen action figure, because I’m a huge nerd.
Scott Farkus as a high-schooler?
Just read a 6 week old article about the situation in Myanmar a year after the coup. Basically civil war. I wonder if civilization has actually made any progress in the last 1000 years?
I should stop making myself sad, it doesn’t help anything. Hey, on the plus side, the NFL doesn’t seem nearly as evil when compared to Putin and the Myanmar military and China and oh, guess what? Israel and the Arabs finally agree on something! Too bad what they agree on is supporting Russian war criminals and refusing to say anything against human rights abuses.
Of course we’ve made progress over the last 1,000 years. It doesn’t take nearly as much time to kill a bunch of people as it used to!
People occasionally leave books in a reading rack in the laundry room, and I check them out in case I might want to take them. Tonight I came across a book that has a lead character named Inspector Harry Hole. And yet, disappointingly, this is NOT porn.
I’ve read that entire series. Lots of Oslo geography involved.
same, and vivid alcoholism imagery
I’ve read about 5 of them. Enjoyed each one
Is it a Norwegian book about a snowman? I heard they made a terrible movie out of it a few years back.
Ha no, but The Snowman was on the rack right beside it!
Read it, you’ll like it!
What part of “not porn” was unclear?
I saw a porno movie from the 70s that not only had a villain named “Harry Balls” but it was also in 3-D.
So you could see Harry Balls coming right at you?
Yes, they used the 3-D to full effect. Use your imagination. It starred John Holmes.
I’ve got about a month and 1/2 left before I leave New England and move back to San Francisco/Bay Area.
Driving across the country is gonna be stressful and not rocking specifically cause the higher gas prices.
Def looking forward to the car naps, random hotels, and California Mexican food.
It’s been Rocking!
Hey future neighborino! Have a good drive, and remember that there are no gas stations in Wyoming because Wyoming doesn’t exist.
If his drive takes him to Wyoming he is way off course.
Because he’s driven to a nonexistent place, of course.
Congratulations!
You’ve been here this entire time? Bruh.
He’s probably like Horatio’s neighbor or something.
Unless he’s a feisty 80+ years-old-woman he is not.
But I’m with Sharkbait on this one. Bruh.
Treehouse is happening soon. Bank on it
It’s just like Homeward Bound: The Amazing Journey! Or the one with Milo! Or the Secret Life of Pets!
DAMN, there are a lot of movies about good dogs making their way home. Welcome back to the Best Coast! You will totally appreciate it during football season, when the late game is over by 8:30 or so.
I’m driving cross country soon too – halfway at least. Los Angeles to Indiana. Maybe we’ll cross paths we can give each other a high five out the window.
It’s like one of those math problems I could never do!
Condolences on your trip to Indiana
If this isn’t timed for the Indy 500, it seems quite poorly planned.
For you history nerds, Behind The Bastards and The Dollop got together to do a six part series on Henry Kissinger. Ep. 1 just dropped
Obligatory.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5vo7jLGOb8
Look at Maestro with the table formatting at the bottom. Well done
What sorcery is this??
copy and paste out of Excel. Will add rows as needed.
I dont understand, why does the McDavid one simply not score more goals than the other team? Eulers blow a huge early lead, now tied 4-4.
The Wyoming band looks like you think they would.
Randy Gregory in a state with legal weed?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4UUPY902Ph0
who on earth would think AT&T Lily and Zoey Deschanel are similar??
Idk. The boobs are totally different.
Is half the population of Wyoming a bench player for the school? That is a loooong bench.
probably student managers tasked with finding the most attractive local farm animals for the after-party
Are there 3 people on the bench and 2 of them are antivaxxers? If so then yes, that is half the “population” of “Wyoming”
I’m working on Un Lun Dun (by China Mieville) right now book-wise. I was about 35 pages in before I realized this is his attempt at writing a Young Adult novel. Now I’m 100 pages in and the jury* is out.
*which spits electricity and has just boarded a double decker bus-it’s on the way to Around Town. It’ll never get there.
Not a damn thing wrong with Young Adult Lit. Some of the best, most imaginative writing out there now.
G’devenin. How the fuck is it only Tuesday?
Found a funny;
theory: the Russian military got McKinsey’ed. there’s like an 800 page white paper on the invasion they paid $60 million for
“Tovarisch Major, where is our air support?”
Page 657, under the flow chart
I know someone who works for McKinsey! Well done that guy!
I’m so lazy this evening that I’m not going to get up and walk 15 feet to get a bag of Doritos.
sloth is teh best diet ppl forget that
Wyoming doesn’t seem like the kind of betacuck state that would still be masking its cheerleaders (smh)
Don’t they got enough room there to be 6 miles from each other?
this totes checks out
Problem with having guys like McDavid and Draisaitl on your team is it makes the rest of your players look like garbage in comparison. Horrible for morale, wouldn’t want it.
Plus living in Edmonton would get anybody down.
Exactly. They should trade McDavid for Georgiev. One for one
I feel like Rex Chapman is a cry for help.
people say Gretzkey’s point record is untouchable, but watch out now, McDavid and the Eulers could score 500 points just tonight. Currently up 3-0 in 5 minutes.
Fuck Tom Brady and all, but is this really the crowd for “we desire change”?
https://youtube.com/watch?v=1TtGQnyPZ6g&feature=youtu.be
I’d wondered where those Molsons went
Best news of the day–Dr. Oz is allegedly quitting the PA Senate race.
Thank you to Mrs. Cola, whose article had to be what tipped the scales.
Not all heroes wear capes. Unless Mrs. Cola does, obvs.
Bless her.
Hi Folks. I am writing this from my brand new (checks notes from kids) Mac Book. I bought it because that was all they had at the UConn bookstore, and they were willing to give me the student price, even if I look more like a professor, (and not a good one), than I do a student.
I look forward to getting on here more often and getting back to writing stuff. I also look forward to learning all the neat things this glorified paperweight can do in much the same way that I look forward to winning Powerball: it’d be great, but I’m never gonna do it.
I hear it’s pretty good for porn.
We’ll find out.
Not together though; that would be weird
/cancels move east
So glad that Horatio is getting on to the site more often. Getting off on the site so often back in the past tended to gum up everything.
Ew.
Macbooks have a tendency to overheat, which is handy for keeping your lap warm in the winter. Then the fan comes on, which is loud but kinda vibrates a bit and doesn’t actually decrease the heat, so lap bonus!
Those clowns in Congress have done it again: the Senate unanimously passed a bill to make Daylight Saving Time permanent.
THIS is what they agree on. All of them.
What a bunch of clowns
“Is there a guaranteed rate of return on this “Daylight Saving Time”? Was the night consulted on this? How much do I save if I transfer funds into my ‘afternoon account’?
-A- Rodgers, doing his research
This serves as everyone’s reminder that The Sun is a LIE.
I don’t get this. Why wouldn’t it always be the 16th/17th seeds doing the play-in game? Is the tournament committee really saying, “yeah, there’s four teams in this section worse than you, but we’re making you do the play-in game because, uh, reasons.”?
shitty teams can get automatic berths from their conference tournaments.
Right, but are those shitty teams being seeded 12th for some reason? Or are you saying that the shitty conference champs are exempt from having to do play-in games?
Yeah I guess they dont make the shitty conferences do play in games anymore? Not really sure, or why.
All but the shittiest conference champs. These are the shittiest of the at large!
That always bugged me too. If someone’s good enough to get the 12 seed, they shouldn’t have to win a game to get into the tournament.
Looks like the Islanders will have to slink back to the NHL
Qaaron might get paid, but Adams won’t be there at this rate. He ain’t gonna play with the tag.
…and now the Dolts might try to…pony up for him.
“The Bicycle Thief” was the first movie that overtly criticized the Gig economy. Fight me.
Bicycle joust at noon!
Boeing 777 > Boeing 787
”Dreamliner” my ass. This is like Auschwitz, and I’m in first class.
The 23-6 Princeton Tigers have been relegated to the NIT Tournament. I wish that once…just once, damnit!, that Ivy League schools didn’t get the short end of the stick.
/so mad! Makes me want to march on something!
Transcontinental time-lapse:
I want Aqib Talib abd Gus Johnson doing these games, too.
Qaaron rn:
it would appear everyone got raptured but yinz and Hippo
Figures.
/rips weapons-grade fart
I don’t eat adventurously enough to have rotting corpse-calibre gas at age 48. As Maestro would say, NAWT FAY-UH!!
Some of us have Important Things to do! ( I went to Von’s and bought ice cream)
Thanks for the wondrous post, Maestro. Always happy when a Younghoe gets paid, ya noe?
Happy Those Four Days You Remember TruTV Exists Half-Week!
My first guess at the channel number was RIGHT and I am inordinately proud of myself.