[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

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Limited Edition Open Thread

scotchnaut

/

She’s a hot one, ain’t she? If you want to stay hydrated the liquids must flow, so flow they shall. Right now I’m a gonna watch a baseball game for the first time in twenty odd years because the Blue Jays are rolling and there’s still plenty of room on the bandwagon.

Later on I think I’ll fry an egg on the hood of my dog sled because it’s The Canada and jokes must be made about the weather. Also, if I’ve stepped on anyone else’s post I apologize because as Bugs Bunny would say, I’m a “maroon”.

So sit your butt down and maybe we can all entertain each other like we always do.

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jjfozz

I’ve had enough of the fucking POOL. And stinky chlorine and chasing kids and overpriced beers and fat women in bikinis and chasing kids.

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laserguru

I had a mini boner.

A pot luck boner.

My Cubbies are kicking ass and destroying worlds.

Do you hear that Cardinal fan King Hippo!

I’m coming for you hillbilly boy!

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laserguru

Pot Luck Boner is the name of our greatist hits album.

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trollsoharduniversity

You spelled “cumming” wrong

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MikeWallaceAndGromit

If you guys can ever find an IPA on nitro…drink it. Drink it all.

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laserguru

Why? you got one?

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MikeWallaceAndGromit

Oh yes, yes I did.

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scotchnaut

“The best thing about summer is summer pizza.”

/is Papa Johns ever going to get anything right?

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ballsofsteelandfury

I doubt it. Can’t even spell pussy right.

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...

It sure is if you enjoy spending your summer with your ass attached to a toilet seat.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Can get a lot of reading done that way, ICRM

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Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Gentlemen, let me just start off by saying:

Fuck Ride Along 2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWfmmwdCHTg

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scotchnaut

Of all games to feature in the pre-season, Minny/Tampa is not right up there.

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Spanky Datass

I think I’ll brave the heat and go have a beer (brand not pictured) with my neighbor (Also, sadly, not pictured.).

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m75y85koGY1r3a6jho1_500.jpg

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Spanky Datass

I’ll be trying Founders Imperial Stout.

comment image

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Jethro

Founder’s is becoming my favorite
brewery.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I had one of those!

/sadly points at Heineken mini-keg.

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King Hippo

Brock Osweiler looked MUCH better than I have ever seen him. I suspect a truther-level conspiracy concocted by Pete Carroll and his minions.

But Christ, this second half has been tedious viewing.

Cards/Marlins in 30 minutes, WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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WCS

http://i.imgur.com/papSS2s.gif

GO MARLINS

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montythisseemsstrangetome

CARDS WIN, sorry not sorry

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Curse of Marino

Somehow gayer than 9 dudes fucking 8 dudes

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I guess you didn’t realize it is just an expression…..

http://40.media.tumblr.com/516a53a343c0674123da58ae0f861175/tumblr_mr0ny4Fh8W1soqrhbo1_1280.jpg

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Meanwhile at DFO’s secret HQ bunker at an undisclosed location.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/d5acc101493db3d7a0888ec48b90e0c1/tumblr_nrv4w0bEuw1qmsicmo1_500.jpg

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Old School Zero

I haven’t watched The Shining in maybe two decades, and holy shit, this is way more terrifying than the Treehouse Of Horror parody version (something I’ve watched repeatedly).

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Horatio Cornblower

My wife and her friend stayed in the room at Stanley Hotel that supposedly scared King enough to inspire the book. She claims to have heard something on a tape recorder.

But no blood in the elevators.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

+ one in between the four weeks.

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WCS

But LOTS of dudes in costumes giving other dudes blowjobs.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Someday one of our more skilled photoshop practitioners should put together one of that elevator scene featuring PK and Roger Goodell.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I stayed in that hotel! We were there for a wedding where the priest kept screwing up the bride’s name and three months later the groom had been arrested for something something underage something undercover something internet.

I also overheard some of the fellow wedding guests complaining about the ahem, over-expressiveness of the female component of the couple in the next room (us). I felt like Rex Grossman must feel every day.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

The priest kept screwing the bride?

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Jethro

Have you seen the Tree House Of Whore porn-parody parody? It has a parrot who parries Matthew Perry’s penis.

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nomonkeyfun

The shinging is the biggest piece of shit “horror” movie I’ve ever come across. I’ve tried to watch it three times in the last 20 years. Fallen asleep every time. The Shinning on he other hand…

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Shinging was really just drunk Karaoke.

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laserguru

Well I made it to Langers and I was right. Holy shit it’s hot.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Butt hot but well worth it!

The #19 was as good as advertised. Fucking delicious!

And the company was delightful.

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laserguru

A fine eating indeed. Another successful gathering of the LA tribe.

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laserguru

I learned more about the female “Package” than I ever knew possible.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Me too.

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ThePirateSloth

My fellow Kommentariat: many a drink was had, but alas, no Manning fan was cruel, mean, or angry last night. If anything, they were just sad he did not play.

Now if I could only remember where I left my liver.

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Old School Zero

Check the cooler.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe it’s a coincidence, but Dr. David Chao just offered me a really good price on a “previously owned” liver.

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WCS

Anyone want to discuss the PGA Championship? How about Matt Jones coming out of— [hit by brick]

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Old School Zero

–[hit by two dozen follow up bricks]

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Horatio Cornblower

Hey, anyone seen my bricks?

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Jethro

I am drowning slowly.
/abortion joke.

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Old School Zero

–[hit by kickball]

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Jethro

Getting in the way-back machine here for a minute, but does anyone remember who used to write a day after blog post about the sports bar he went to? Those were great and hilarious and someone (not me–I have two kids and a wife I would like to keep) needs to do that again.
I’ll hang up and listen.

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Old School Zero

The Mighty MJD, I believe.

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Jethro

Merci, mon ami.

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ballsofsteelandfury

That was indeed MJD. I remember the saga of Muff Stubble Girl quite well.

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synapticmisfires

I forgot how awesome those used to be. What happened to Mighty MJD?

BRING BACK MIGHTY MJD. And also, Matt, Ape, Flubby, Drew, Punte, Maj, and KSK.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I wonder if Punte’s Mike Mayock porn draft post is still somewhere in the Internet. I will always love that post.

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ballsofsteelandfury

If I am still single (likely) and without a girlfriend (also likely), I will do one next year after I stop Sunday Ticket. It’s too late this year.

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Horatio Cornblower

That was YYYYYYYUGE effort by Tanaka!

http://localtvkdvr.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/71027a01.jpg

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scotchnaut

Listen, the only way we’re all going to get along is if we start eating hand-made Italian sausages with small batch German relish. I’m doing my part. What about you?

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MikeMartzColorsDontRun

I will be in attendance at tonight’s Vikes / Buccs preseason game- which will of course be held outside in TCF bank Gopher stadium or whatever the fuck it’s called.

This means I could be providing my fellow DFO ex-kommentariat kin some prime live scouting intel, such as:
is Charles Johnson the real deal?
will Teddy really bridge the gap from promising young QB to superstar gunslinger?
can Lovie Smith bungle time management even in preseason?

But unfortunately I expect to be waaaay too blasted on overpriced beer to retain any of my usually acute football insight.

Alas.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Washington just lost both tight ends with Paul in their names for the year.

This is either a curse on the franchise or on anyone named Paul. Be careful out there!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

/crosses fingers that Rand Paul tears an ACL.

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SonOfSpam

Paul, Rand (R) – Questionable (hair like a poofter)

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King Hippo

The only place in North America with pleasant August weather is North Cakalaky. Surely the apocalypse is upon us?

Also, watching one’s team’s pre-season game on DVR is alot like homework. Do I get to be a Gruden Grinder for the week?

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Cuntler

Pretty nice in the Rockies today. High 60s

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nomonkeyfun

It’s always high in the Rockies. Unless you’re in Utah. Then it just fucking sucks, but not by one of your 10 wives.

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Horatio Cornblower

Currently 92 outside. Just came in from painting the west side of the house. The west side has a driveway cut-out that dives down to the basement. So at one point, to reach the peak of the house, the ladder is 25′ high and precariously balanced on a stone wall, which drops another 6′-8′ to an asphalt driveway. It’s frankly terrifying.

So I get my son to hold the ladder steady while I’m up there. I’m at the peak, painting away and trying to ignore the hammering in my chest and from below I hear “Hey, my Snapple fun fact says more people die in ladder accidents then from electricity! How about that.”

I fucking hate that kid.

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ballsofsteelandfury

It’s 94 in Pasadena. In the shade.

At least I’ll be taking the subway to Langer’s. That won’t be full of stinky sweaty people at all!

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scotchnaut

I like your kid in a way that I’m very thankful he’s not mine.

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laserguru

Thank the Lord and little Sonny Christ I’ve got air conditioning. It’s gonna be hot downtown.

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scotchnaut

Current Me: Why don’t the Blue Jays just hit a home run to tie this up?

Realistic Me: Hmmm. How many home runs did YOU hit during your 8 years of playing competitive baseball?

Current Me: This isn’t about me. I can’t believe you brought that up. I thought we had agreed to bury that.

Realistic Me: Yeah, we TOTALLY agreed on that. [makes wanking motion]

Current Me: ASSHOLE!

Realistic Me: SINGLES HITTER!

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Horatio Cornblower

Christ I thought this was a night game. Just put it on.

Well, now I can relax and see what kicks in first: the Yankees burned out bullpen giving me a heart attack or the heat stroke finishing me off before the heart attack.

It’s a coin flip really.

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King Hippo

This Yankees team has a fuckton of heart. They would be very likable if they weren’t, you know, the fucking goddamned Yankees.

GO TEAM CANADIA!!!!

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Horatio Cornblower

They are likeable. Even A-Rod has been likeable this year, which is amazing because he’s kind of a dick.

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scotchnaut

You know who else liked coin flips?

Anton Chigurh, that’s who!

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UDFA

That reminds me,I need to go steal my old avatar off of Uproxxforwhatever.
I could just Google it,I suppose.
Later,perhaps.

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scotchnaut

The NY Jizzyankees are up by one in the sixth.

C’Mon, All That Is Good In The World!

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scotchnaut

If Greg Bird influences a Yankee victory in any way whatsoever he is a traitor to his species.

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nomonkeyfun

I’m sure Dave Winfield will be happy to help deal with any Yankee Birds. He’ll also probably be happy to dig up Steinbrenner’s corpse and take a giant shit on it too.

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