Coach Duchess’ Guide to Little League

Duchess
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Part I – Parent Orientation

Hello, parents, I am Coach Duchess, and I am here to help you through the most important decision in your life… Allowing your boy (or girl) to play little league football. Just a little background. I have played football since 6th grade through my sophomore year of college. From there I have coached little league kids from the aged seven all the way to 14 years old. I have gone undefeated twice including one little league National Championship. Now, there have been a lot of people saying football is dangerous, and it’s just not true. Fact: the cheerleaders at UGA are more likely to get a concussion than the football players. So are you going to wuss out and let your son/daughter miss out at playing the manliest sport in the nation?

Parent’s I know this is a big decision and commitment but don’t worry your $125-200 are going to be spent the right way. We send the helmets out to be recondition after every season. This is a fancy word that means that all the helmets are repainted, sterilized, and the warning stickers are replaced. The helmets are all checked for cracks, and if they can’t be buffed out or painted over we don’t get them back. Contrary to popular belief we don’t need to replace them after any amount of time this is so we can pass the savings down to you. However, if you feel like buying a new helmet for your kid feel free to do so, you can even purchase them second-hand through us!

Now don’t worry parents you are not just leaving your kids off with just anyone. If you are lucky enough to play for a well-funded club or community league, we might even spring for the real basic background check. Ya know just make sure they don’t have too bad of a criminal record. It’s not required just something some clubs do for your ease of mind. Now we also make all head coaches and sometimes all assistant coaches go through some on-line certification process.

Speaking of which does anyone want to coach we need one more. You just need to pass a certification program that is designed for you to pass. Who here has taken an online defensive driving test? It is pretty similar it says it can take 3 hours but just between us I sometimes “ask” my assistant coach or bribe my oldest child to take the test for me. It’s a joke and only costs $25 to take it.

Actual Sample Question:
Before every practice, it is a good idea to:
A.) Check the field for any holes, divots, sticks or broken glass
B.) Make sure you have an adequate amount of space on the practice field.
C.) Make sure you have water/fluids and access to shade
D.) All the above

If you answered D. Congrats, you just passed the field safety section and one-third of the way of becoming a coach.

Now don’t forget at the end of the season if we do well enough we may decide to go to the National Youth Football Championships tournament. This is where we take the team to either Las Vegas, Nevada or Daytona, Florida over your Thanksgiving weekend. There used to be one in Lubbock, Texas but come on who wants to go to a town that the entire east side is filled with a dense fog of cow manure? Now if you’re the parent of one of our star players, and you don’t want to spend your Thanksgiving in another city. We will just find your kids friend and ask him to convince your child to beg you to come. After all, you wouldn’t like your child’s spot on next year’s team threatened do you?

Now please make sure you have your registration fee another to me or you will not be asked to pay your way down to those cities. We would like to keep the kids in the same area so that will be determined by whose parents have the most money. Don’t worry about me my registration fee is paid for by baking in that cost into the money you give me to register your kid. Fear not I am not just using this to relive my spring break.

Now this tournament is unique. The organizers weigh all the kids and group teams into 4-6 team round robin groups where you play three teams and whoever has the best record after the three games gets to call themselves a “National Champion.”

Great now we have team organization stuff out-of-the-way we will soon go over.

  • New Coach Orientation – How teams are picked and what skills we will teach your children.
  • Player Orientation – Your children’s health and wellbeing.
  • First Coach Parent Meeting – How you the parent should act on the sideline during practices and games.
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WakezillaDon THoratio Cornblowerpackman_jonDuchess Recent comment authors
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Wakezilla

Are they ever! My second year of playing football, all–yes all– the coaches that season were raging alcoholics. That was the absolute fucking worse.

Last year, my then 10 year old nephew played football for a coach who wouldn’t just shut up because he loved listening to himself speak. Their hour of practice was mostly spent listening to him talk. It was ridiculous. I nicknamed him Coach Limp Dick.

Wakezilla

Shit, reply fail. Sorry.

/tries to do 10 burpees as punishment

/only does 2 before vomitting.

Wakezilla

Added Bonus: For all you parents that drop off your kid for practices and games and never really spend much time with them outside of football, I have some bad (good?) news for you: I am now their daddy and will hold more influence in their lives.

When are you going to cover coaches calling their players “faggots” and “pussies” for deciding not to play because they are hurt?

Will there be a section about married fathers deciding to throw their marriage out the window to bang the somewhat recently divorced (and very fit stay at home) mothers on the team who are peacocking by doing yoga along the sidelines.? Because holy shit, that can get messy.

Don T

The very worst thing about football, from what I’ve seen on Hard Knocks, is the constant lecturing. It’s speeches 24/7. Even if Abr Lincoln were the coach, I would leave in a week.

Old School Zero

Why, this wasn’t at all like the Rodney Dangerfield classic movie Ladybugs at all!

Cuntler

No offense, but 95% of football coaches at any level are psychotic dickbags.

Don T

Is there a constructive way to promote ferocity? That usually rattles my brain.

SonOfSpam

Next installment will be on how to handle Pop Warner cheerleaders. I believe Jared will do that piece (heh).

Horatio Cornblower

Josh Duggar has some hands-on experience he’d like to share with you…in secret.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

So if I am reading this right you got to be coach because you “passed” your mandatory online DUI rehab, sorry my bad, coaching questionnaire and you have no shame in asking other parents for money for baseball that will never be used to help the game?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

What I am saying is that sounds hard. When I played hockey going into high school 3 of my 4 coaches had DUI’s, none of them bothered to get their licenses back (this is like a half joke, I don’t know all the details, but they were drunk on the bench enough and I heard rumors, Then played with them with beer on the bench). But it was hockey so they didn’t have to beg for money

King Hippo

In retrospect, I am quite fortunate that I didn’t have any kind of growth spurt until I was a junior in high school.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

6’2 230 by 12. Grew up playing 3 sports. I was the quiet nerd everywhere else but at the 3 sports though. My rebellion in high school was growing Kurt Cobain hair, that my mom made me cut before pictures every year, I looked like Dwight Schrute for pictures

blaxabbath

But kids need after school structure.

http://images.tvrage.com/screencaps/13/2594/1064801526.jpg

Enrico Pallazzo

My non-existent son will only play for a coach that makes 100% of his practice The Oklahoma Drill.

packman_jon

So…PFT Commenter?